not thinking things through

I keep feeling the need to write, to think, and to be be introspective about this whirlwind we call life. Well, I call it a whirlwind, but sometimes it seems more like one of those hills you see around here - all smooth and grass-covered. Lovely to look at on a drive up 280 but pretty boring after you've been sitting on one for a couple of hours. I look at all the tree a few times, count the ants running around a log, and decide to keep hiking 'cause I've already taken a nap and am getting pretty antsy myself. Extended descriptions aside, whether life is currently a maddening torrent or a particularly boring stretch of lazy river I like to think about what I'm doing. Lately though most of my thoughts have run more like this:

You know I really feel like I could say something about (marriage, dating, the academic elite, women in society, Dorothy Sayers, etc), but [sitting down to write a blog post] here's this implication and that implication. I really don't know enough to be writing about this.

Then I go check my e-mail again and never put in the work to sort out my thoughts on (virtual) paper. In the end I suppose that's another form of laziness. I want to have a considered life, but I don't want to put in the effort. When I do feel like putting in the effort I'm often off doing something else. So that's why I haven't been writing anything very much to the point. Also, I'm tired. My sleep cycles are completely out of whack right now, and no amount of supplements can compensate for that. Hopefully this is just another temporary dip in the search for a healthy equilibrium, but until then I'm just having to ride it out.

note to self

When the doc gives you something (in my case a supplement) and says "here, this will even out your brain chemistry and help you feel more motivated" don't forget to take it (or fail to be motivated to take it) and then wonder why you aren't getting anything done. Who cares if it smells bad, and you're feeling particularly lethargic. Take the sassafrassing supplements! You'll feel human again!

Seriously, I feel like I finally woke up this week. Dopatone, you are my stinky but beloved friend.

tired little girl

A while back Allen found an integrated health care practitioner and sent me to go see him. He looked at my eyes and studied my posture and had me fill out this exhaustive questionnaire and agreed that I probably had some blood sugar/thyroid/hormone imbalance. Then he sent me to have this massive blood panel done (9 vials, and I really don't like getting labs drawn), and I waited for him to sit down with the numbers and figure out what's wrong with me.

Iron deficiency.

Last thing in the pharmacopoeia I would have suspected. I cook with cast iron, eat red meat, use green vegetables, etc. Nope, not on the radar. Thyroid is a touch sluggish, but all the hormones are firing away like normal. Blood sugar is good. I just don't have enough iron in my system. Having learned that though, it explains a lot. Looking at the list of symptoms was like reading about my life for the past year. So he's got me on some supplements to try and straighten all this out, and hopefully I'll start feeling better in the next couple months.

It's also good to know that often when I didn't feel good I wasn't just lazy and not wanting to get stuff done. Doesn't help with the energy levels, but it does help with the guilt for not keeping my housekeeping up in the way I'd like.

the snooty foodie test

Do you know the taco bell song? If yes, you're definitely not a snooty foodie. If no, ask yourself if you know the greasy pizza song. If still no, you just might be a foodie. If so get thee to the best greasy pizza joint in town and order it with extra sausage.

Dang.

Now I'm hungry.



P.S. I'm posting this because sometimes I think I'm a snooty foodie myself, and it's such a relief to know I'm not always a snooty foodie. Even when I'm buying organic white sugar.*







*I don't really do that.

an actual resolution

Ok, so I'm thinking that the exercise/lose weight resolution might actually stick for longer than it took to write it. Since I've already got some momentum going I want to break it down a little better.

1. For January I'm exercising at least 20min a day six days a week. Might reevaluate this either the end of January or mid-February. For now I just need the tiniest non-guilt inducing amount that I can maintain while still getting some benefits.

2. More veggies for supper. Go crazy and fix steamed broccoli and Caesar salad with the spaghetti bolognese.

3. Go back to the eat when you're hungry stop when you're not principle. Stop obsessing about camping gear for 3 hours and get some breakfast! The sale will be there later.

4. Easy on the grains/carbs. This is January. That means we've just come through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Carrot sticks sort of follow logically after all that pie.

taking the lazy river of indecision

Yesterday the counselor said I need to start basically being more conscious about how I live my day ie not letting facebook happen all day but deciding what I want to be doing at any particular moment. Result? It's a quarter after one, and I've only had a small piece of cheese to eat. And yes I'm hungry. MAKING DECISIONS IS CRAZY SCARY CRAP! Even though he told me I could decide to do whatever I wanted to do I had to actually decide. If I was on FB I needed to decide to be on FB for half and hour or something and then make a new decision after that time was up (even if I decided to stay on FB). Somehow that added up to me not even being able to decide to get something to eat. Yeah. Paralyzed of making wrong decisions? Even when there aren't supposes to be any wrong decisions? YES!!! My problem is that I don't want to decide to do dumb stuff like read on-line comics for hours at a time. I want to decide to do good stuff -like scrub the entire apartment :D But I don't want to scrub the apartment. I want to make a (very belated) smoothie and work on my bedroom. And yet because that means deciding not to worry about the dishes that need doing and the laundry that needs folding and the bathroom that needs scrubbing I find myself unable to decide to do anything. And since I'm not doing anything I might as well read internet comics while I'm just sitting here. Yeah, come live inside this head for a while. You'd be a bit kooky too ;)

Ok, enough ranting. I'm going to give this at least one shot today. The counselor said this was going to be pretty emotionally exhausting, and I think I believe him. I already warned Allen that emotional exhaustion was probably going to translate into frozen food from Trader Joe's.

Ok, for real, going to get up and do something. I think. Damn, this is scary. And it looks so easy when other people do it.

stuffed feelings don't shout in your face

The past few weeks have really been a time of very intense processing for me. I've realized that in the past I've had trouble voicing my feelings, desires, and hurts. So many times when I thought I was expressing my feelings (like on this blog) I was either making intellectual statements (ie "I think") or making excuses for other people (ie "they didn't realize"). So rarely do I ever say simply "this hurts." If you put a huge pile of guilt and perfectionism on top of that you sort of have my everyday life. Pretty exhausting. And it plays out in the strangest ways. For instance, lately I've been thinking it would be all kinds of fun to try backpacking for a few nights. Allen says he's up for it, so away I go researching lightweight sleeping pads, wind/rain shells, water filtration systems..... the whole kit and caboodle. At first it's fun. "Hey look, REI has their BA insulated air core pads on sale right now -let's sit down and have a talk about how we see ourselves camping in the future." In a way research kind of appeals to me. But then I find myself spending five or more hours a day (yes I said a day) trying to find the perfect wind/rain jacket that's breathable, lightweight, inexpensive, etc. I need to get this right. Things will be very wrong if I don't get this right. Because of various influences I can be highly tempted to point of being absolutely compelled to sit down at the computer and painstakingly research water filters or vacation destinations while dishes and laundry pile up around me. By the time I tear myself away I'm stuck feeling lethargic and guilty with a huge pile of work that I am now mentally ill-quipped to handle. It's no fun. And now that I'm trying to express my feelings and really work though some of this junk I feel sort of like a roller coaster that's lost it's brakes. For instance, I often feel very apologetic about stuff like having a bad day or wanting to do something, and I hate feeling the need to compulsively apologize for stupid things. I really, really hate it. Lately I've found myself apologizing for stupid things and then feeling resentful about it. And if my counselor is right about anger often masking unhealed wounds then I' guessing this will only stop once we've gotten to the festering, bleeding core of things. I thought I had gotten the anger out of my system a long time ago, and here it is coming back. It's like picking at a scab that won't quite heal. I don't like feeling this way. Of course this is where my counselor would be asking "feeling what way?" Anger and resentment are pretty ugly emotions. I suppose I would say that I don't want to be feeling my feelings. And then we get back to where I was when I started going to counseling. It seems like I have to feel the feelings to get through all this and become the stronger Natalie that I hope to be one day. It's just that this stretch of the road is kind of bumpy right now.

More good news

Found a counselor in the city. Going to go up there soon and see if I can't get a few answers to some of my questions.

weight loss for the reasonably healthy?

Seriously, I see all these weight loss ads/programs/herbs/whatever. What I need is something that will tell me why a girl who eats organic, homemade, balanced meals can't seem to budge a single pound. Seriously, it seems like every time I try making a lifestyle change for the better (raw food, more fruit, biking, getting my broad spectrum supplement, etc) I end up gaining weight. Or if not gaining weight then having weight shift. I know the big thing I need to add into that mix is 15 minutes of rebounding a day and some weight training, but honestly this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Little help that my mom always thought I was overweight anyway. The past few years certainly haven't done much to improve my body image. But, I can't gripe about my weight anymore just now. Betsy and I are meeting Allen at the bike shop to get a rack for B. Then it's off to meet church folks for dinner. Road meet Betsy. You have just met your doom. For these ten miles at least :D

What does depression actually look like?

Lately I've been wondering just what depression really looks like. I understand that suicidal inclinations and an inability to function because life is just too much to handle indicates real, severe depression, but is that all depression looks like? I mainly ask because for I don't know how long I've cycled through up and down moods. My up moods never really become manic phases, and my down times don't actually cripple me. Not really. My mom used to joke I was bipolar because I could cycle between up an down sooo quickly. Allen actually told me when we were dating that if I was flying too high when he picked me that was a signal to try and get me back home before my mood crashed. And still the man married me. Isn't love great. Fortunately my mood swings have gentled somewhat -or at least lengthened. I still can cycle between up and down in a day, but I don't cycle between adrenalin highs and sobbing in the corner lows. Not normally anyway. Nevertheless I still experience a cyclical pattern of highs and lows. About a week and a half ago I entered a downward swing that pretty much continued unabated until Monday. That is not to say that I didn't have good days during that time. It's just that my default mood is lower than usual. Monday though I woke up, and it was literally as though someone had flipped a switch in my brain. Although I didn't get up any earlier that day, when I did get up I had a much more positive outlook on life and the tasks that needed doing that day. Same thing today. In fact, I was actually upright and coherent when Allen left for work. Just that can be quite a feat some days. In the past I've questioned whether what I've experienced has been some form of depression (sometimes I think that would be a definite yes), but waking up Monday morning and feeling that abrupt switch in my personality has made me wondering whether or not my rolling mood swings actually constitute some sort of depression in and of themselves. I don't have an answer, but I'm thinking it might be time to find some. Yes, I've been through a stressful cross-country move, and I'm struggling to fit into a culture and geography that's strange and slightly scary. I also know that before I had my last depressive episode I was doing better than I have since Allen and I got married. Chores where getting done. I was feeling good about myself. I was looking forward getting fully settled in here and pulling out some of my long neglected projects and hobbies. Then....it all fell apart. I did have some muscular distress in my shoulder that was making deep breathing/sneezing/yawning painful, but I don't know how much of that was correlation and how much was causation. For one thing three days after I went to a massage therapist the pain was gone, and the depression lasted maybe 5-6 days longer. Could be related. At any rate I can't think of any one thing that triggers these blue moods of mine. A common frustration/complaint with me is that as soon as I get things on track I get knocked back on my back again. Could this be one of depression's many faces? If so it would explain so much of my discouragement over not being able to keep to a schedule longer than a few weeks because what can start coming naturally when I'm in a good mood can seem like an impossible burden when I'm in one of my blue phases.

One reason why I haven't sought out professional guidance on this issue is that my moods never really get that bad. I certainly become lower functioning, but I never really get dysfunctional. Heck, during this last rough patch I even managed to keep making my smoothies. Considering that when I get depressed it takes a good deal of mental effort to do anything for myself I'd call that forward progress. Peanut butter on rice cakes and frozen fruit smoothies might not be a complete and varied diet, but it sure beats what I've eaten in the past when I get down. So like I said, my down times aren't, on any absolute scale, that bad. They're just bad enough, and they keep coming back. Towards the end of last week I found swing music helping me to get moving and face the day. Maybe it's matter of environment and learning to talk my way through it. Maybe I need to find me a decompression chamber -be it bike riding, pedicures, or taking my hammock off to the park with my last Agatha Christie find. Maybe it means hanging out on the sofa trusting that my bad days will pass. I don't know, and I think it's time I start finding out. So maybe one of my next steps should be finding a Christian counselor in the area who can help me sort through all of this. If anyone knows of such a counselor (preferably reformed) then please holler out. If not I've got a feeler or two I can put out.

blender recommendations?

I'm thinking that I might have to get a new blender. I know I got one only about a month ago, but every day it sounds a little more tired. Any recommendations? I'm looking for something that will make frozen fruit smoothies 4-7 times a week and not burn out on me. Since it looks like these smoothies are going to be a regular part of my diet I'd be willing to get a more expensive model if it would do the job and last me a few years.

Doing the healthy whole grain dance

Thoughts of food reminded me -I am now allowed two pieces of whole grain bread twice a week. I am so psyched. Big Sky bread here I come!!! Hmmmm, what to have first? Grilled cheese or buttered toast? Oh decisions decisions. I loves them both so good. I have been doing the gluten free thing for so long....(still will largely so as not to strain anything).

More on being tired

My mother-in-law got her shingle in the mail. She got her naturapathic doctor diploma. It's amazing the knowledge and wisdom she has amassed during this whole process. She was no sneeze before she started on this, but that woman knows health sideways and diagonal and even straight up and down. She's still learning knew stuff all the time. Today we learned a few things about me as well. On top of a few other things it looks like I'm trying to shake an epstein-barr virus. Mono and chronic fatigue syndrome are epstein-barr related -hence an easily tired Natalie. Maybe this would be a good time to learn how to rest withouth feeling guilty over all the stuff I "should" be doing. lol It's either that or drive myself nuts, and why should I do that to myself when Allen will gladly drive me there any day of the week? jk. Allen is a dear. He also makes dumb jokes. Dumb jokes are contageous.

Shoes aren't footly salvation

So I'm still getting all those flylady e-mails, and did I mention that she has a thing about shoes? As a psychological gimmick to convince my brain it's work time I don't mind it. I don't do it, but if that's what cleans your counters then yea you for doing it. What does drive me nuts are the number of testimonials concerning someone's poor pitiful feet and how things would have just been peachy if they'd been wearing shoes all the time. If you've got cracked heels and spurs and pains in your ankles or wherever I'll bet you $20 that at least 90% of the problem isn't from waltzing around barefoot. You got odd bones? Stop taking costco fake calcium or drinking that gallon of milk you can't digest very well and hit the leafy greens. Then...go butter your toast. Yes I said butter. Toss that smart/sham butter and get some real stuff that actually had a prior bovine existence. It will help you assimilate all your nutrients and stop those weird aches. If your heels still hurt try drinking more water. You could well be walking over the reflexology point for your kidneys, and if they're hurting so will your heels. If on top of this you aren't rotting your bones with a daily (or weekly) pint of rootbeer I'd say you're starting to cover some territory. Just remember, flip flops aren't satan's temptations for the downfall of our arches, and keds aren't the embodiment of bipedal virtue.

Namaste

If anyone hasn't tried a Namaste mix I really recommend you do so. They're free of gluten, soy, nuts, refined sugars, and most other potential allergens. I like them because particularly because I'm trying to maintain a mostly wheat free diet (my cheats are fried chicken and communion bread), but they're good for anyone who's trying out healthier alternatives to convention cakes. I particularly like their spice cake with carrot cake variation, but their brownies are also good. When my MIL and FIL were out of town over my brother-in-law's birthday I used the brownie mix to make him a mint chocolate chip brownie cake which he really liked. Anyway, thought I would mention it.

Clean Feet

My mother-in-law just got her ionic cleanse foot bath in late last week, and Allen and I went over there this evening to see what all the fuss is about. Don't ask me about the science because I really don't know. Basically it uses polarization (and electricity and ions) to draw toxins out through your feet. Think of it as a super charged detox mudpack. Except without the mud. It's really neat though. The water you put your feet in turns all sorts of nasty colors, and you get this horrid scummy foam over the top. Glad that's not inside me anymore.

This sort of thing is useful because it provides your body with a way to detox without overloading your colon and/or kidneys -which is awesome because if you're really toxic it's so easy to overload your elimination channels. Looks like I'm going to be adding that into my weekly routine now.

Chugging along

Well, as I hope you can see by my previous posts I'm still plodding along. I haven't been doing much writing lately, but I really think I need to get back at it. I often think better when I write, and there are times when I think even my dull posts help organize my brain. My mother-in-law has continued to help me as I try to get myself back in shape. While attending a seminar I noticed a quiz on stress in one of the booklets. It said that if you scored 300 or more stress points you needed to seriously evaluate your life and health. Guess what. I scored at least 300 points and depending on how you counted some of the events likely a good bit more. In everyday terms that means I am simply stressed out, in, up, down, and probably sideways. It's put a tremendous strain on my mind and my body, and I'm still in recovery mode. Right now the prescription is a simple one. Work on re-evaluating my mental habits and hit the amino-acids to help build up my body from the tiniest cell upwards. I was doing a fair bit more, but we're paring it down to see what kind of results we get from this.If I can (through God's strength) change my mental habits and get out from the daily burden of destructive head chatter then the physical should fall into place. It's not easy, but Allen's helping me. One of the things that I think it helping me the most right now is a preparation of Bach's Flower Essences that I have. They work rather like homeopathics except that they work on the emotions rather than working directly on the body. Often times I'll physically feel better, but that's because the flower essences help balance my emotions and mental processes which in turn helps to balance me out physically. They aren't a cure all or any sort of opiate or anti-depressant in the prescribed sense. They simply give you a little nudge in the right direction. A bit like a mental booster seat. While they don't replace the Scriptural renewing of the mind, they do help while you're on your way there.

this is sort of a placeholder

Corin, from CMOMB, sent me a rather detailed response to my post of health. This is just a reminder that I need to respond to her and that more health discussion will be coming up.

God's Word on Health

This is taken from a list I posted on the CMOMB forum in response to some questions.

What the Bible has to say about health:

Luke 7:18 The disciples of John reported all these things to him. And John, 19 calling two of his disciples to him, sent them to the Lord, saying, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” 20 And when the men had come to him, they said, “John the Baptist has sent us to you, saying, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?’” 21 In that hour he healed many people of diseases and plagues and evil spirits, and on many who were blind he bestowed sight. 22 And he answered them, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers [5] are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. 23 And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.”

God is about health and healing. Christ's ministry was about healing and restoration of our souls, minds, and bodies.

Ps. 38:1 O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath!
2 For your arrows have sunk into me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 There is no soundness in my flesh
because of your indignation;
there is no health in my bones
because of my sin.
4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.
5 My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
7 For my sides are filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

Our sins and mental attitudes, even the judgment of God can affect our health and our ability to heal.

Prov 16:24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Prov 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Grace and hope are healing and healthy emotions. A lack of these in one's life may indicate a lack of spiritual and physical health.

James 5:13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Sickness and healing are at least partially under the purvey of the church. Confession and prayer are part of (if not essential to) healing.

Prov 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.

Need I say more?

Prov 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Again, joy is good medicine but a crushed spirit dries up to bones. Arthritis? Osteoporosis? MS? This could have bearing on a number of crippling conditions.

Prov 4:20 My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
21 Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
22 For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.

Quite explicit

Prov 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh,
but envy makes the bones rot.

Prov 15:4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Again, see the above comments.

Ps. 31:9 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10 For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

Grief, excessive sorrow, sin --all these things affect our health.

Prov 10:27 The fear of the Lord prolongs life,
but the years of the wicked will be short.

Prov 14:26 In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence,
and his children will have a refuge.
27 The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life,
that one may turn away from the snares of death.

Prov 19:23 The fear of the Lord leads to life,
and whoever has it rests satisfied;
he will not be visited by harm.

The fear of the Lord, being in right relationship with Him, is health and life to us.

Prov 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness
will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

How we live and how we think affects us physically.



Not just in these verses, but throughout the Bible we see the importance of the spiritual and emotional to our physical health.
How we think and act -what we really believe about God- affects our bodies. I know this experientially. There have been times when my husband and I have had to repent and confess our sins to each other before our bodies would begin healing. Other times I have needed to seek peace or repent of my anger and unforgiveness in order to heal. The Word of Life is just that. It is life to our souls and our bodies. This does not mean that every cancer or cold is necessarily caused by sin and unbelief. You have merely to look at the blind man who sinned not, neither did his parents, but had been born blind that the glory of God may be revealed. However, I believe that we should look to our hearts and souls first if we really want to enjoy good health. Jesus didn't just heal people to get attention -it was an integral part of the Good News of salvation. Healing for our souls and our bodies.

I hope this explains a few things. I'll post about muscle testing later. It was important to get this up first though because it gives a pretty good foundation for how I think about health.