Missing Autumn

On facebook I've been seeing everyone start their annual "my football team is better than your football team" posturing, and I've realized quite suddenly that Fall should be here. Growing up Labor Day always meant another week on the road. For months we'd discuss locations -Maine, Colorado, New England, wherever our fancy and two or three day's traveling could take us. As Labor Day approached we'd check out travel books from the library and watch the weather reports. At some point us kids would be dispatched to vacuum out the rv and stash numerous boxes of cereal. Then, on a Friday afternoon, we'd put the milk in the rv fridge, put a few pizza's in the oven, and wait for Dad to come home. As soon as Dad had come home and changed we did a last check of the house to make sure faucets and ovens and irons were all off; we'd carry down the pizzas on their cardboard rounds, scramble up the steps into the rv, and wait for Mom to lock the door. I can still hear the sound of the that first twack as Mom pulled the rv door closed behind her, and the rv rumbled it's way up the driveway and out onto the road. Sitting there in the rv, eating pizza, and digging into my library I always knew we were doing something special. It was every trip was like Christmas where each day was another present unwrapping itself from the ribbon of the interstate before us. Every sunrise was an entirely new thing seen from a bouncing, swaying window while licking powdered sugar from my breakfast doughnut from my fingers. Even the rain didn't bother us because it was new rain from a new sky, and watching the storm come up over mountain or lake could be half the fun. When you go to see things it doesn't matter near so much how you see them but only that you do see them.

Unfortunately I can never return to those days. I'm even finding myself increasingly reluctant to wear my old vacation shirts because they are the last tangible memories of a time that was necessarily all too brief. Even if I wanted to though I couldn't go back. The university schedule changed much of our travel schedule. Now that we are growing up and going our own separate ways.... How I wish my memories of these days were clearer. As they are I only have snapshots of hikes and sunrises and late nights listening to old radio shows -often as not thinking about some boy I rather liked. They were good times, and I will be forever grateful that I had them.

This is just brilliant

This is a quote from Lark News article Pastor tries inauthenticity.

BEND, Ore. — For years pastor Terry Bradley of New Life Community tried to be entirely real with everyone.
That experiment is now over.
"Authenticity is bogus," he says. "It's never real. Nobody knows himself well enough to be fully authentic, and trying to self-divulge all the time breeds shallow relationships because it denies the complexity and mystery of human personalities."

If you don't read Lark News you should -this goes double if you're a Christian and triple if you're an evangelical Christian. If what you read there offends you, and you vow to never darken their links again be scared. Be very scared. Remember, the Pharisees couldn't get the joke about them meticulously straining out gnats out of their wine and then golluping a camel in their soup.

Sorry for the below

I just wanted to say sorry for the sour tone of previous post, and I hope I haven't offended any of you young/new moms out there that might have stumbled across my little blog. However, I think I'm going to keep that post up because I really have felt like that in the past. I suppose I should explain that when I'm talking to a person I have a real life connection to I can genuinely be happy/sad at the news -happy for them but a little sad because of the mess I went through. When it's random people popping up on the facebook news feed throwing out congratulations to people who've been married six months it feels a lot more in my face.

pregnant people (can) annoy the heck out of me

1. Because so far Allen and I haven't been able to have any

2. Because some of the congratulations and well-wishes almost make it sound like the expectant mother is holier than the rest of us dumb mom wannabes.

3. Because just maybe I think God is punishing me / it's my fault that we haven't had kids yet.

4. Because I don't want to be worthless because I don't have kids or a career.

5. Because coming face to face with a brand new mom in the making brings me smack up against my own pain as a daughter and a wife.

icky sicky -future plan uncertain

Well Saturday I came down with a sure enough cold. It's one of those things where you feel reasonably alert, but every time you stand up you get the head spinning/kind of weak in the back feeling. So mostly I don't stand up that much :D Unfortunately all this isn't helping me plan what to do over Labor Day. Not having any family in town or anything like that I was thinking we might revert to a Natalie family tradition and hit the road but not knowing how long this cold is going to last I'm pretty reluctant to make reservations anywhere (assuming I still could at this late date -California parks fill up early!). If we don't go anywhere I think I'm going to campaign for us to make that bookcase I want for the living room. Anyway, I think I'm going to find me some breakfast and head for the couch. Even sitting up at the computer desk is less than ideal right now.

A minor to do list

Ok. I'm really bad and getting going in the morning. Like really bad. So if my to do list seems really belated, that ok. It's better than no to do list.

Today:

-Completely take apart and wash blender (by hand or in dishwasher)
-Unload and load dishwasher
-Start a pot of soup.
-Jump on the rebounder
-Sit down with a glass of smoothie and my Bible. See if maybe I can find this God I keep saying I believe.

We'll see how it goes. But that's the plan for this afternoon.

Flaky like a biscuit

So I realize that I haven't been posting much on here lately -particularly not much of anything worth noting. It seems like it's part of a general trend lately. My moods have been better, but as I've been in a state of accelerated mental processing it seems like my get up and go has all gone into my head -literally. I can't settle down to anything. I'd rather be talking about something than working on my dishes. It has been a long week though. I sort of pushed kind of hard when my in-laws where in town (all the time saying "it's really no trouble" -liar liar), and once they left I was sort of zonked. Then yesterday (my busy one) I randomly ended up feeling queasy most of the day. Ok then. Today I stood in line for two hours getting my California driver's license. I've done some things, but not too many things, and I'm having trouble getting my ball rolling. I'm pleased to say that this counseling seems to be going really well. At first Allen and I weren't too sure about since it has me driving an hour and fifteen minutes one way to see a male counselor. However, we got the male thing squared away. Leaving the door partially opened seems to appease the gods of propriety, and the drive really isn't that bad. When I leave in good time it can even be quite relaxing to listen to some good music and just muse along to the lyrics. The first couple of times I went I wasn't quite sure how much, how often, how worthwhile these sessions would really prove, but yesterday hit a minor jackpot. I can chatter away for hours about various things -particularly my past-, but he managed to ask a few questions that honestly made me stop talking and think. Although he didn't say it's what it all boils down to, he recommended I read a book dealing with co-dependency. Honestly that's the last thing I would have considered in my own case. After all, I'm the one who broke away and got married. To me that didn't jive with being co-dependent, but then I looked it up and read some of the markers of a co-dependent. Oof. I could see plenty of signs in both myself and my mom. Interestingly (but I don't think oddly) my mom and I have almost entirely opposite tendencies. Where she pushes I hang back. Whereas she seems to feel like things would fall about without her, I am persuaded of the hopelessness of trying to pull things together. And what I find even more interesting is that the symptoms I've thought might be depression seem more likely to be evidence of codependency. It's exciting to finally feel like I'm making some progress in understanding my own behavior and being able to (by the grace of God) change it. Speaking of God's grace, my counselor was also able to draw out some reasons why perhaps I've been ignoring God against my own desires and inclinations. Once he put out there what he saw happening it really made so much sense. Very slowly I can see things starting to change. It might not really look like it on the outside. Goodness knows that most baby steps are bigger than the fractional progress I tend to make. But I really do think that I've got more potential for pushing through some of this and becoming the woman I want to be than I ever did before. Allen's excited too. Things are definitely starting to look up.

Family in town!!!

Since Allen's folks had to fly out this direction for a conference they decided to tack on a side trip to visit the newly out of towners. Allen and I got the apartment cleaned up, and we're looking forward to a weekend of visiting with home folks. Today I'm going to show them some of our local California attractions -CA 1, Trader Joes, Apple... That covers most of the big ones. They won't have time to visit Yosemite with us unfortunately. We're hoping though that we can convince them to bring Mamaw out here with them next spring sometime and visit a few parks on the way. Anyway, I still need to change sheets and empty the dishwasher and clear junk out of the car before I go pick them up from the airport. And shower. They would appreciate the showering part I think. Then it's off to Half Moon Bay. I can smell the spicy scent of those wave met hills just thinking about it. There's certainly no smell like it anywhere back home.

Hopefully I'll get back to posting some more writing around here. I've been doing some pretty intense processing the past few weeks -the combined results of meeting new people and starting counseling. Rest assured that things are going well.

Pasta for supper

Lately I've been learning to enjoy homemade pasta sauces. Several months ago I picked up a magazine called "Perfect Pasta" put out by Cuisine at Home. I don't know if you can still find a copy around somewhere, but if you stumble across one I'd encourage you to pick it up. It starts out by explaining how to make some of the most basic pasta sauces and moves on to cover most of the classics -including salads and risottos, and I love that it has at least one picture of every recipe and prep tips to make everything come out faster and tastier. So far I've tried making the oven roasted marinara and the bolognese sauces. Both of them were a big hit with Allen. The marinara recipe in particular is amazingly simple. It's posted below along with my modifications (since I rarely leave any recipe alone!).

Oven Roasted Marinara with Summer Squash

The basic recipe calls for for:

8c quartered, fresh tomatoes
1c chopped onion
1/2c olive oil
4 cloves garlic, smashed
1tsp sugar
1tsp salt
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/4c fresh basil, sliced thin

To this basic recipe I added:

1med zucchini, rough chopped
1med yellow squash, rough chopped

I also added another cup chopped onion. (I had some large onions.)

Rough chop all the veggies and mix together with oil and seasonings in an oven safe dish. Roast them at 400 degree for 45 minutes until the tomatoes are very soft. After you've roasted everything, pulse the mixture in batches to your desired consistency, and add basil. Feel very proud of making your own spaghetti sauce - I know I did!



Tip: I ended up blending too much liquid in with my sauce and making it a bit watery. If a lot of liquid was released during roasting you might want to hold some of the liquid back -at least until you've blended part of it and judged the consistency.

More good news

Found a counselor in the city. Going to go up there soon and see if I can't get a few answers to some of my questions.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Three years today. Pretty soon Allen and I are going to rock it out with some homestyle bbq at one of our favorite joints (ok, chains) from our newly wed days. Good times.


Love you, Honey.

NIGHT RIDE!

Having attached the blinking lights of safe guidance, Allen and I did forthwith venture upon the night and found that the night received us as one of her own and did usher us gentle down the lamp strung streets of San Jose.

Ok, that's sort of hard to keep up. Sufficing to say we had fun, and no one got hurt. Hopefully we'll have another opportunity to take a night ride together sometime soon. Right now Allen want's me to get off here so we can watch another episode of Leverage.

weight loss for the reasonably healthy?

Seriously, I see all these weight loss ads/programs/herbs/whatever. What I need is something that will tell me why a girl who eats organic, homemade, balanced meals can't seem to budge a single pound. Seriously, it seems like every time I try making a lifestyle change for the better (raw food, more fruit, biking, getting my broad spectrum supplement, etc) I end up gaining weight. Or if not gaining weight then having weight shift. I know the big thing I need to add into that mix is 15 minutes of rebounding a day and some weight training, but honestly this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Little help that my mom always thought I was overweight anyway. The past few years certainly haven't done much to improve my body image. But, I can't gripe about my weight anymore just now. Betsy and I are meeting Allen at the bike shop to get a rack for B. Then it's off to meet church folks for dinner. Road meet Betsy. You have just met your doom. For these ten miles at least :D

What does depression actually look like?

Lately I've been wondering just what depression really looks like. I understand that suicidal inclinations and an inability to function because life is just too much to handle indicates real, severe depression, but is that all depression looks like? I mainly ask because for I don't know how long I've cycled through up and down moods. My up moods never really become manic phases, and my down times don't actually cripple me. Not really. My mom used to joke I was bipolar because I could cycle between up an down sooo quickly. Allen actually told me when we were dating that if I was flying too high when he picked me that was a signal to try and get me back home before my mood crashed. And still the man married me. Isn't love great. Fortunately my mood swings have gentled somewhat -or at least lengthened. I still can cycle between up and down in a day, but I don't cycle between adrenalin highs and sobbing in the corner lows. Not normally anyway. Nevertheless I still experience a cyclical pattern of highs and lows. About a week and a half ago I entered a downward swing that pretty much continued unabated until Monday. That is not to say that I didn't have good days during that time. It's just that my default mood is lower than usual. Monday though I woke up, and it was literally as though someone had flipped a switch in my brain. Although I didn't get up any earlier that day, when I did get up I had a much more positive outlook on life and the tasks that needed doing that day. Same thing today. In fact, I was actually upright and coherent when Allen left for work. Just that can be quite a feat some days. In the past I've questioned whether what I've experienced has been some form of depression (sometimes I think that would be a definite yes), but waking up Monday morning and feeling that abrupt switch in my personality has made me wondering whether or not my rolling mood swings actually constitute some sort of depression in and of themselves. I don't have an answer, but I'm thinking it might be time to find some. Yes, I've been through a stressful cross-country move, and I'm struggling to fit into a culture and geography that's strange and slightly scary. I also know that before I had my last depressive episode I was doing better than I have since Allen and I got married. Chores where getting done. I was feeling good about myself. I was looking forward getting fully settled in here and pulling out some of my long neglected projects and hobbies. Then....it all fell apart. I did have some muscular distress in my shoulder that was making deep breathing/sneezing/yawning painful, but I don't know how much of that was correlation and how much was causation. For one thing three days after I went to a massage therapist the pain was gone, and the depression lasted maybe 5-6 days longer. Could be related. At any rate I can't think of any one thing that triggers these blue moods of mine. A common frustration/complaint with me is that as soon as I get things on track I get knocked back on my back again. Could this be one of depression's many faces? If so it would explain so much of my discouragement over not being able to keep to a schedule longer than a few weeks because what can start coming naturally when I'm in a good mood can seem like an impossible burden when I'm in one of my blue phases.

One reason why I haven't sought out professional guidance on this issue is that my moods never really get that bad. I certainly become lower functioning, but I never really get dysfunctional. Heck, during this last rough patch I even managed to keep making my smoothies. Considering that when I get depressed it takes a good deal of mental effort to do anything for myself I'd call that forward progress. Peanut butter on rice cakes and frozen fruit smoothies might not be a complete and varied diet, but it sure beats what I've eaten in the past when I get down. So like I said, my down times aren't, on any absolute scale, that bad. They're just bad enough, and they keep coming back. Towards the end of last week I found swing music helping me to get moving and face the day. Maybe it's matter of environment and learning to talk my way through it. Maybe I need to find me a decompression chamber -be it bike riding, pedicures, or taking my hammock off to the park with my last Agatha Christie find. Maybe it means hanging out on the sofa trusting that my bad days will pass. I don't know, and I think it's time I start finding out. So maybe one of my next steps should be finding a Christian counselor in the area who can help me sort through all of this. If anyone knows of such a counselor (preferably reformed) then please holler out. If not I've got a feeler or two I can put out.

....with the jolly roving tars

I've figured out what we're doing for our anniversary. For some reason I'm constitutionally unable to spend $400-500 on a weekend at a bed in breakfast, and considering the accommodations at the cheaper places I will only say that I enjoy waking up in a tent. However, by dint of much searching I discovered a national historic site right on the bay that has historic sailing adventures by day and sea shanty singing on the dock by night. So that's the plan -caltrain, ships, singing, pizza, and really old arcade games. Really the perfect Saturday I should say.

anniversary coming up -ideas?

Does anyone out there have any ideas for celebrating a 3rd anniversary? It's coming up fast (Aug 5th), and I'm fresh out of ideas. It's smack-dab in the middle of the week, so we'll probably end up doing something either the weekend before or after. Day of ideas would be nice too. Monterrey is out since we're planning to go there for my birthday. Napa Valley might be nice, but I need to check prices. We were thinking it might be fun to do something in the city (ie SF), but I'm drawing complete blanks. I guess it's back to trip advisor to try finding something fun.

Bigger than ourselves

Our new pastor out here said something last Sunday that I've been thinking about all week. He was referring to an author who was writing about how on the whole Americans aren't really that ambitious -or rather, how Americans tend to be rather narrow in our ambitions. By this author's estimation American ambition is mostly concerned with upward mobility ie parent's working hard to afford a good home and good schools so their kids can get good degrees and afford even better housing and schooling for their children and so on and so forth. Apparently the author views this as a rather narrow, self-concerned ambitions. What is really ambitious, to his mind, are those Christians who say "I'm going to devote myself to the reading and studying of God's Word, the Bible." According to our pastor this fellow isn't even a Christian, and yet he realizes that to devote yourself to God's Word is to devote yourself to something far bigger and more meaningful than just ourselves. I've been thinking about that all week. I've heard of so many people talking about wanting to be part of something bigger than themselves. I've thought it myself quite a bit, and yet I don't think any of them have actually said that picking up your Bible and reading some psalms or part of the Gospels would be, in that moment, throwing ourselves into something bigger than ourselves. At some level I think we all know it, and yet I think we get caught up in thinking that there are people (missionaries, pastors, leaders of great causes) who are definitely doing something great for the world and forget that perhaps there are much smaller ways to do great things. I'll admit I'm pretty remiss in my Bible reading, but maybe next time I start thinking that my life doesn't count for so very much or that there's nothing I can do I'll take a moment to open my Bible. It's a thought.

blender recommendations?

I'm thinking that I might have to get a new blender. I know I got one only about a month ago, but every day it sounds a little more tired. Any recommendations? I'm looking for something that will make frozen fruit smoothies 4-7 times a week and not burn out on me. Since it looks like these smoothies are going to be a regular part of my diet I'd be willing to get a more expensive model if it would do the job and last me a few years.

nice try mister walking directions

In my search for biking directions around town I have often checked Google out for general to and from information. What I have learned through this experience is to very carefully zoom Google maps all the way in (or nearly) and check for walkways, overpasses, trails, etc. For instance, in getting from my place to the other side of 280 (yes, they have a 280 out here) Google would send me through two large, busy intersections. Think 280 and 1-19. About that size. Instead, there are two pedestrian/bike overpasses that should allow me to avoid the main intersections (and especially avoid trying to turn through any of them) instead take a few peaceful little roads to my destination. I'll admit I first discovered one of these overpasses using Google maps. However, it was from zooming and searching for shortcuts instead of following any of their suggested routes. I think Google walking directions have a lot more to do with satellite view than anything they actually suggest.

bike for your salad

I'm realizing it's kind of neat living in a place where you can just hop on your bike and run out to pick up some mozzarella and salad for dinner. And while you're out maybe some orange juice too. My adrenaline still gets going when I pull out on the road will all those cars, but riding my bike to the grocery store seemed a little more like adventuring and a little less like running errands. Pretty cool I'd say.

sort of but not really

Seeing so many people around me having their first (or fourth) babies has gotten me thinking about things. In these past few weeks I've finally started to feel like I'm regaining some of the strength I enjoyed during high school and most of college (before senior year and family stress sapped almost everything I ever had). It feels really good to ride my bike to the library or work out until my arms and legs are all worked out and pleasantly achy. I know that if we were to have a child sometime soon it would be that much harder just to do those simple activities -not to mention taking road trips or trying my hand at backpacking along the coast. I've always felt that my life was far too messy for me to suddenly be responsible for a completely helpless human being. Now that things seem to be turning around for me I find that part of me simply wants to enjoy the changes. The other part of me says that kids are awesome and that I really want to take my kids out into the wide world. I want them to scramble up mountains and learn Latin and take things apart and understand that failing is infinitely better than never having the guts to try. But do I want it now? I'm not sure. I feel like I want to enjoy the (hopeful) returning of my strength, but as that strength returns I can't help wondering what I'm going to do with it. It's a curious question. Fortunately (unfortunately?) there's not so much I can do about it. Que sera, sera.

In the "I bought series"...

Her name is Betsy, and eventually she will have a rack and light for hauling mystery novels around at night. First,though, I will get her a green chain because Betsy is just bad like that :D

I bought a blender!

And now I have bananas, strawberries, and blueberries in the freezer waiting for breakfast tomorrow. Yummy. Since coming to California I have come to love these things. I will confess to having had two today in the course of my out and abouting :D Getting a blender seemed the only way to save my budget from utter ruination.

How to Speak of Animals

As the unpacking continues (somehow I think movers make almost as much work as they save), I've been refreshing my sanity by reading essays out of Umberto Eco's collection How to travel with a Salmon and other essays. I just came across one essay which I must quote because I think it's so completely brilliant on the way teachers and environmentalists have skewed our view of nature.

In this essay Umberto talks about how children's conceptions of animals have changed in the schools efforts to teach that whales, wolves, and elephants should be protected. He says:

No one says [animals] are entitled to survive even if, as a rule, they are savage and carnivorous. No, they are made respectable by becoming cuddly, comic, good-natured, benevolent, wise, and prudent...We must save the whales, not because they are good, but because they are a part of nature's inventory and they contribute to the ecological equilibrium. Instead, our children our raised with whales that talk, wolves that join the Third Order of St, Francis, and, above all, an endless array of teddy bears...To make them forget how bad human beings are, they [are] taught too insistently that bears are good. Instead of being told honestly what humans are and what bears are.

I'd never thought of it that way before, but I really thing Eco is on to something. That last line in particular is a zinger. After reading this though I'm really curious as to what Eco would say about Grimm's Fairy Tales, Mother Goose, and Beatrix Potter. Something to think about while I'm trying to get my closets organized.

almost there

Spent about 8hrs yesterday unpacking boxes and woke up today with the work ethic of an unusually apathetic slug. We're almost home though.

going away present

Allen and I gave ourselves a little going away present. We traded in Allen's old nintendo ds for a new nintendo dsi. I even got to pick out a couple games which I thought was pretty cool because it's not often I get to pick any games like this - especially for a game system. The coolest part [one of the coolest parts anyway] about this system is that you can get on the internet with it. I'm actually posting this from the dsi right now.

Speaking of going away presents. I'd take a gift of sleep any time now. Probably not much chance of that until we get out on the road and away from everyone else's schedule.

sleep like a camel

So moving the move date (well the, we're coming to pack up your stuff date) up 24hrs has effectually meant no sleep tonight. The funny thing is that I'm actually feeling pretty decent. I have to wonder if I don't have a little stored sleep somewhere left over from all those 12hr sleeping binges in the past couple of months. It's like I've got a few extra hours stored in some mental camel's hump or something :D Anyway, they arrive in about an hour and a half. There's still a few things that need to be straightened out, but what isn't done already I think we can do while the movers are packing us up and moving us out.

Here's to finding out with 48hrs's warning that your prep/packing time has been cut in half!

eye bolts?

So the relocation people e-mailed Allen asking him a bunch of questions about what he wanted in an apartment and such. To that end they asked what amenities we wanted/required in a rental property. My suggestion? Strategically placed eye bolts suitable for hanging a hammock. I'm only half kidding -those things are crazy comfortable. I wish I had a place to hang it long term.

That goodbye tint

Saturday is the big day and all around me everything is taking on a certain farewell tint. As I drive down the road past trees I've seen nearly every day these past two years I keep thinking to myself, another week and I won't be here. The Cahaba will still be winding underneath this bridge, but I will be pressing further into the unknown as we drive across the country. It's a hard and exciting feeling.

Just yesterday we sat down together with our congregation for the last time in a long while. The funny thing is that I kept thinking it didn't matter how far away I went because Red Mountain Church would always be here when we're ready to come home. I know it was just a feeling, but I like to think that maybe it's actually true.

In the midst of these goodbyes we've been trying to sort out our possessions. I keep finding a dozen small tasks popping up just when I'm ready to settle down and really get something done. It's rather exhausting in a way. It doesn't help that all the mental chatter in my brain makes it hard for me to settle down and get to sleep at night. Right now I think I'm running on guts and adrenalin -I don't really want to see what happens should those suddenly give way on me!

And so life continues. There's a lot I'm going to miss while we're in California. I'm going to miss the saturated green of summer, afternoon thunderstorms, and the wonderfully homey nature of living with 90% of our family within two hour's drive. I'm going to miss driving to the gulf and the Atlantic ocean and the smell of live oaks. I'm going to miss Easter and 4th of July down at the farm riding around on 4-wheelers and wading in the creek. But I must admit, I'm starting to look forward to all the adventures we're going to be having out in California.

California resolutions

I know that New Year's is the typical time to make resolutions, but I'm thinking that moving to a new state is a pretty good time to bust out some better habits. Plus, I'm going have a lot more time by myself since Allen will be working out of the house, and I won't be working (certainly not at first anyway) So here are my California Resolutions:

1. Cook more for myself.

Cereal is easy. So is peanut butter on a rice cake. The problem is that I don't think doing so many grains is really that great for me. So top on the resolution list is buying a blender and learning to make smoothies, hummus, and other raw, low carb foods for myself. Hopefully this will improve my energy levels and shake off that stress weight I've gained.

2. Take more ownership in my kitchen.

Are you sensing a theme here? Unfortunately, most days I view cooking as a chore. I'm also more of a casserole/huge pot of soup type cook than anything, but I'd like to learn more about cooking "special meals." So the idea is start small and see if I can't learn to enjoy the process. Also, Allen does waaaaay too many dishes. I need to get on the ball about that.

3. No actually I really need to get in shape.

I know this is on every resolution list, and everyone sort of nods and understands that a couple weeks at the gym is about all anyone gets out of this. However, Apple does have a gym where I believe Allen and I could work out together. I'm also thinking about making bikability a priority wherever we decide to live.

4. Make the effort to keep up with family.

I've set up the blog for family and some church folks to keep up with us. Now I just need to keep up with it.

5. Get plugged into our new church.

We've had a church recommended to us that we're pretty sure we'll end up attending. My goal is to really plug myself in there and see if I can't use my wife without kids status to serve the church. Much better than moping because I don't have kids and aren't terribly career minded.

6. Not. Get. Lazy.

This is the meta-resolution that encompasses pretty much everything I want to do out in Cali. That's why working on my diet is number one. It's sort of hard to push your boundaries when you can't roll out of bed in the morning.

To close a chapter

I know there are probably at least a few people who have been reading my blog long enough to know about my year from hell (back when I was going through miscarriages and such), and many of those who haven't been reading my blog that long will still understand what I mean. This has been something I've been thinking about putting up for awhile, and today just feels like the day to do it.

Most of the explanation is simply this -I was going through the worst depression I've ever known, and since there were plenty of times I literally couldn't think for myself I was relying on people who either through error or ignorance misled me. I know who hurt me the most through all this, and all I can say about that is Allen and I have decided that should the occasion come up again these persons aren't going to have the same access to this portion of our lives. These happen to be people we both love and respect, so nuf said. But looking back I can see where all sorts of people, quite early on, should have looked me in the face and given me some hard facts. I can think of a couple nurse-midwives specifically who, if they had taken the time to sit down with me early on, might have averted much of this mess. Instead they just sort of exchanged looks over my head so that when people finally did try to confront me I became confused and ended up falling back on the misguided advice I'd been receiving from other sources. For people who don't see how this could happen may I suggest that you haven't dealt with any sort of long-term depression? I certainly wasn't "lock myself in my room for three weeks" depressed, but I was dealing with some sort of ongoing depression that often completely sapped my mental abilities. There were days I woke up tired and went to bed tired not having done anything more productive than play solitaire for three hours straight. In that kind of atmosphere it is really, really hard to stand up and say "I think we really need to take are hard look at what's going on here, because something sure ain't right."

There was a second aspect in play during that time I really think needs to be addressed. We've all heard people talk about "having a peace" while making a decision or feeling "a burden on their heart" or any of those other phrases signifying that they have had an authoritative feeling on some subject (usually meaning they should either go ahead with something or stop.) I certainly don't want to denigrate that because I believe the Holy Spirit certainly can and does nudge and prompt us in certain ways. We've all heard about the person who canceled their tickets at the last moment and were therefore spared some catastrophe or another. Who can say that wasn't the Holy Spirit? On the other hand, when you combine this sort of "I have certainty because I feel a certain way" with evangelical/American individualism you can run into some serious problems. Coincidences, feelings, and even denials can all become authoritative signs of God that x really is so even when there is no place in the Bible that is specifically mandated to be so. This might sound crazy, but how many of us have heard of someone taking a specific flight, choosing a certain name, or buying a particular house because of something happened to where they said "I knew God wanted me to x." Ok. Did God say so in the Bible? If not you really are sort of just guessing. It might be are really great guess, and you might be making a really wise decision, but it doesn't mean that taking one flight is right and taking another flight would be wrong. In speaking on wisdom and decision making Tom spoke about the fences and the freedom we find in God. Where there are fences (a thou shalt or thou shalt not) we have God's clearly revealed will for our lives. In the areas where He hasn't spoken we have a lot of freedom -where to live, what car to drive, how to arrange our free time, etc. There are certainly better or worse decisions we can make in those areas, but by and large we can make those decisions without running into one of God's fences. However, having individualist evangelic tendencies means that we frequently try to establish certainty where there is none -often in our emotions. I feel x, but you feel y. Whose is more authoritative? Who felt it first? Who feels it the loudest? We see this most in evangelical culture when we hear or read people talking about the finding and knowing the perfect (secret) will of God for your life. Because the secret will of God for you is just that -secret- people tend to start investing feelings and coincidences with the authority of God in order to discern this secret will. Once you do that it becomes easier and easier to believe in God sending extra-normal experiences. Although in the Bible God made it unmistakeably clear (often in a fall down on your face thinking "Oh sh**, I about to be dead" sort of way) when He was breaking the normative pattern of events, I think we evangelicals can be too quick to believe that we can all have a Moses experience where we get sent off on our life's great mission and that furthermore we should seek out that sort of experience. But since there are no more burning bushes we have to settle for seeking authority in various feelings and events. When I heard Tom speak about all this I had a huge aha moment, and much of that very hard year suddenly fell into perspective.

Let me see if I can pull it together in a way that would make sense. If, in the back of your mind, you have this sort of secret will of God theology operating it makes sense that you would invest all sort of coincidences, words, feelings, etc with a measure of authority and certainty or even hold them up as "proof" that "x" really is true -forgetting that when God does break into the narrative like that it's completely unmistakable. Combine this sort of theology with a measure of depression that makes you pretty reliant on what other people are telling you (and heaven forbid these people be firmly entrenched in the discerning the "secret will of God"), and you end up with one hell of a mess. There were some other people who did try to help me and tell me the truth of the situation, but many of them seemed to a. view me as a charlatan, or b. didn't have a good groundwork themselves for addressing the root of the problem -namely my depression and my faulty understanding of normative experience and the will of God.

And so with all that I would like to close what has been a rather difficult chapter in my life. If you don't understand how this could happen then let me simply say that depression + bad theology + bad advice can get a girl into a major mess. It seemed appropriate to put this up here where I wrote so much trying to work through it all both during and after.

Excess baggage?

How in the world can two people accumulate so much stuff?!? I thought I'd been pretty good at periodically purging our wares of things we no longer need/use/have room for, but you should see all the bags and boxes I've been sending out the front door either for giving away or storage with family. There's nothing like a move across the country to clear out all those things you weren't sure about keeping!

A caricature nicely drawn

I've started reading Sinclair Lewis's Elmer Gantry, and I must say that I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I know it satirizes Christianity and the ministry, and that the Southern Baptist Convention probably had three fits when it came out, but for all that I'm finding it a very thoughtful read. Even though I haven't met any really sympathetic characters I have encountered quite a few scenes addressing calling, faith, wimps in the church, the seductions of power vis a vis the pulpit, Christian education, the challenges of the pastorate, atheism, etc. I certainly wouldn't say that in these first few chapters Lewis has painted the whole of Christianity, but the part he paints I'd say he paints quite fairly. All the things he caricatures are things that Christians, both individually and corporately/organizationally, wrestle with on a ongoing basis. I think one of the reasons Lewis's critique is so valuable is that the characters are (primarily) drawn from inside the church. For instance, Elmer Gantry isn't a profane fellow who decides that being a used car salesman is too much work and turns to selling salvation instead. Rather, imagine a young man growing up whose mind is completely formed by life in the church. Aside from a few college songs his entire imagination is formed by Sunday morning worship -the marching rhythm of its hymns, the rolling thunder of the preacher's voice expounding on the juicier bits of the Bible, the stained glass giving forth gaudily behind the choir, and all the various kings of the Old Testament adorned with gold, silver, crimson, and purple. Imagine a young man growing up with a mind shaped to the liturgy who nevertheless knew nothing of grace and doctrine and who (together with a friend) assuaged his hours of boredom with drunkenness and easy affection. That is Elmer Gantry at the point before he "converts" and is persuaded to attend seminary. To a large degree that is still Elmer Gantry when he sits before the crowd of parishioners to be ordained. Where he goes from there it's rather easy to guess.

We're marching onward to Zion...

Well, we decided not to hit Yellowstone after all. First we decided it really would be a bit cold for us to find it enjoyable and then we ended up changing our plans so we could attend a family reunion to be held a two days after we'd originally planned on leaving. It's going to be really great though, because it's going to be perfect weather for visiting all those national parks out West between Colorado Springs and the Grand Canyon.

Why didn't anyone tell me they closed the roads???

Being the simple Alabama girl that I am, it didn't occur to me that May would be the August Bank Holiday of the wild and woolies. Seriously. Hardly anything is open in May. All the winter activities have closed down, but very few of the spring activities have started. Maybe I should replan our trips? On one hand five nights in Yellowstone followed by a couple in Teton while folks are far away waiting for the summer rafting and horsepacking seasons to open seems like the ideal way to get up close to some really amazing scenery. On the other hand, that might mean getting close and personal with freezing or below temperatures and muddy trails. Hmmmm, what to do...Make an abbreviated trip? Bypass these parks entirely? Drive through Colorado and leave Wyoming for a more auspicious season? I have a friend who knows a lot about these sorts of things. Maybe I'll ask him. Of I could call my dad. They went there a year or two ago I think.

Any advice from my readers?

I really appreciate all the comments and encouragement I've been getting from all of you lately. This has not been an easy thing for me to contemplate doing. I'd like a bit of advice on something though. Everything so far has seemed to be pointing us to an earlier leave date -something like the last Wednesday of this month. Of course considering that I've only been thinking about moving to Cali for the past week and a half this seems entirely too fast, but from a purely practical perspective we could do it. So on one hand this all seems entirely too fast; I'll miss a young friend's dance recital; I'll miss a church party that has been anticipated, postponed, and on the calendar for over a month now, and I do feel rather as though I've been pulled up rudely by my roots. Would staying around longer is a hotel or someone's spare bedroom give me more closure?

On the other hand: our lease runs out this month, we really do want to take a tour of the West on our way out (although this could be trimmed down), Allen's new manager at Apple wants him out there sooner rather than later, and in the end would moving all our things around and living out of a suitcase for the last week and a half before heading out on the road really be less stressful than simply heading out on the road? (Tom, if you're reading this -the young'uns could use some advice -you've moved about quite a bit. How does one handle it?) Oh yes, one final bit of thinking. If we moved out earlier rather than later we'd be able to use Memorial Day as a free traveling day to go poking around a bit in Cali. We're trying to maximize Allen's vacation time so we'll be able to stay to fly back home and reconnect with family without using up all his vacation days so that Allen and I don't get any time off just to ourselves.

Thoughts? Support? Sympathetic sounding noises?

Faces towards the west

Well that's what it feels like. Apple called yesterday talking about salaries, start dates, and relocations. Allen and I have roughed out our 4,500 mile road trip to get us from Alabama to Silicon Valley while taking in a few sights along the way. Tentative leaving date -way too soon. We're looking at about three weeks here, which to my mind kind of stinks because that will mean missing the bake sale and hoedown that our church has coming up a month from now. I had been looking forward to this party for at least a month, but with our apartment lease running out at the end of this month there's really no good way to stay in town for another week and a half (that we can think of). Once upon a time we could have stayed with Grandmom and Granddad, but they haven't been doing the best lately and Allen agrees that would be much too large an imposition. On the positive side though our itinerary includes Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Zion, and the Grand Canyon (north rim). We've got two weeks and Apple will even cover some of our expenses (ie gas). So now I just have to figure out what to take, what to store, what to give away, and what to pack for our road trip. Allen isn't quite so sure about this whole road trip thing (what will we look like at the end I wonder?) but agrees that it's a wonderful opportunity to see a lot of places we've never seen before and revisit a few I enjoyed seeing with my family. So long as we keep a sense of humor about things and don't let ourselves get too rushed I think we'll be ok. Considering that our itinerary includes several days marked out for simply wandering around, I don't think we'll get too frazzled. We won't be able to visit the Rocky Mountains, but I also discovered that Mt Whitney is within a three-day or weekend trip's reach from where we'll be living.

All the same I'm not thrilled about moving so very far away from everyone and everything I love. I wish there was a wormhole somewhere a couple hours east of town that would put us out somewhere in the Sierra Mountains. It'd make it much easier getting to and from Mamaw's that's for sure. Unfortunately no such thing exists, and as is I really don't look forward to saying goodbye to all these wonderful folks.

I can be bribed.........with camping!

So I've been doing a little doing and checking on this whole California thing. Looks like there's Big Sur about two hours south of SV; we'll have a national seashore about an hour and a half north of us, and Yosemite is about three hours east. Looks like there are compensations for moving all the way across the continent. I must admit there's something attractive about living close enough to a place like Yosemite to enjoy it through the changing seasons. We'll have this spring and summer to get acquainted with it's various peaks and valleys. Then in the winter Allen and I can head back up there and play in the snow! I'm already planning to go try some cross-country skiing once the snows again. It's not Alabama, but even I can see the attraction of being able to spend one weekend hiking along some of America's most spectacular coastlines and then being able to spend the next weekend way high up in the mountains looking for waterfalls.

Hmmmm, now if we could just get some family to come out and play with us something that would be just about perfect.

This before that

Lol, so apparently nothing can really happen until they do a background check and determine that Allen really is basically a clean-cut twenty-something year old with rather good credit (does one have good credit when one has never borrowed money?). With everything happening so fast it's good to know that I'm going to have about a week to start figuring things out before the hiring manager and the recruiter are both asking Allen when he can start and how soon they can come pack up our stuff.

Part of me is still a bit anxious since Allen won't be receiving a formal offer until after the background check, (many's the slip betwixt cup and lip, etc) but really I can't see what there is to prevent it happening. I'm excited for Allen, but mostly at this point I'm simply tired from the speed at which my head has been spinning for the past few days/hours.

Apple called

They want to offer Allen the job. I'm feeling shell shocked right now. My mind is spinning with all things I need to consider -packing, visiting family, sorting through our possessions. Allen has to come up with figures and times for salary and moving. I need to come up with a sort of itinerary for driving out there in a few weeks. I'm literally shaking right now.

Back from the left coast

Things have definitely been moving fast around here. Wednesday Allen got a call that we had tickets, hotel reservations, and a rental car waiting for us if we could be on a 7:30 flight the next morning. One mad round of cleaning and packing later, we were all set. The flight over was uneventful. The most annoying part of it was Allen and I getting middle seats one behind the other for the second leg of our flight. I ended up sitting bodkin between two men. I'm grateful they were both rather clean cut and inclined to ignore me as opposed to some the other, more scruffy, specimens I saw scattered throughout the cabin. After we'd landed and gotten our rental car we headed out towards the Santa Cruz mountains and the Pacific Ocean. I'll admit my first glimpse of that great ocean was something less than awe inspiring -the ocean being tamed by both the bay area around Santa Cruz and the wharf coming out from the boardwalk. Heading north along California 1 though.....it's completely different than anything I've seen on the East Coast. The waves and general shape of the coastline are about what you'd see up along the coast of Maine, but the mountains are definitely western. Unfortunately we were trying to cover a bit of distance in a short amount of time, and we only took a tiny handful of pictures. We did stop one place with some trees growing right along the bluff edges and sling up Allen's new hammock for a few minutes to enjoy the view. Along the way up the coast we saw a lot of kite and wind surfers, and in Pacifica we even saw a Taco Bell right on the water. It looked like a beach shack where you'd get snow cones and overpriced hot dogs down around Panama City beach. As always the food was cheap, but for a view like that I'd eat 79 cent burritos most every day. Once we'd gotten up past Pacifica we turned inwards towards San Francisco and the bay. We made it there just in time to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge while the remnants of a sunset lingered among the clouds. I'd hopes to get there in time to walk about a bit, but since we hadn't we contented ourselves with driving up and down the hills of San Francisco -including a twisty jaunt down Lombard. By that point we were both plenty tired and decided to head back to Cupertino and check into our hotel.

The next day we roamed around the area trying to get a feel for the place and where we might want to live should Allen get the job. After lunch, I dropped Allen off for five hours of interviews and heading up to Ikea in Palo Alto. Didn't buy anything but got a few ideas for how to squeeze us into a smaller apartment. As anywhere, space equally money, but in Cupertino it can equal rather a bit of money. Once I'd finally figured out how to exit the store (Ikea can be rather confusing at times) I decided to go exploring some more and cut across to the coast again only to turn off after a while to head back into the mountains and get a look at some of the mountain towns. Some people commute into town from them, and I was wondering if it'd possibly be worth it. I will add that Allen asked them to get us a car with gps. I've never used one before, and I loved it. Except for a couple of times in San Francisco it never steered us wrong. I was wandering along all kinds of tiny little twisty mountain roads, and I never got lost. I did almost run out of gas, but I didn't get lost :D

That evening Allen and I headed back up into San Francisco to have dinner with a friend of his and subsequently got a lesson in what traffic would be like for Allen if we tried living up towards the bay area. From thence our time mainly consisted of packing up, getting to the airport, and hoping we'd get seats together. We did, and the journey home was spectacularly uneventful.

Allen feels quite good about the whole process. We both feel rather good about California. I don't feel compelled to move there, but then again I don't see anything much the matter with it (except for perhaps the cost of housing). Once I found out that if Allen got the job we'd get ample time to come home and visit folks for Christmas and whatnot I felt rather better about the whole thing. Our pastor has told up about a church up there. We might even be able to rent a house for the cost of an apartment, and I've been rather wanting to live in an actual house again. The coast is beautiful, and as I mentioned it appears that with careful husbanding of our vacation time we'd be able to visit family and even have time to do a little exploring ourselves. I still feel rather ambivalent about leaving Alabama, but I do hope that Allen gets this job. Lord willing I'm hoping we'll know something in the next couple days.

When will it stop?

It seems like every time I see a picture of my sibling, come across their tracks on facebook, accidentally run into them it's like ripping off a bandage. Sometimes I wonder when it will ever stop hurting. What with us maybe moving to Cali it's all been in the back of my mind. Even if my folks don't talk to me at least I'm close to them. If they would just pick up the phone I could be there in under half an hour. Thinking about moving though -I don't know if I'd even get to see them before we left. I wonder. Would anyone even tell me if Dad or Granny got sick? Would I get a chance to see them? You'd think it'd be easy to move away from a family that won't speak to you. It's not.

California Dreamin'

Well apparently Allen has made it past two of the door keepers and will be heading off to beard the dragon in his lair sometime in the next two weeks. Translated: they're flying both Allen and me out to Cali including car rental and two nights stay. I'm pretty excited about it because it means that no matter what happens with that interview I get to see the Pacific Ocean! It's been on my to do list, and I had no idea when I'd ever get the chance. Looks like I'm getting it now.

Seriously though, as much as I would hate leaving my church, family, friends, the South -I really hope Allen gets this job. It's really time someone started paying him what he's worth. The guys he works with now are really wonderful guys who I would love to see him work with again in the future, but right now I want to see Allen have the satisfaction of earning what he's worth. So while I don't really feel so much better about being all the way across the country, I'm really excited about this opportunity.



Also, I'm really, really addicted to the word "really." Really!

adventures?

So everyone once in a while it seems like the world is about to go all topsy turvy on me. It's been a close to a year though, and really moving to Boston area didn't sound all that bad as far as ripping yourself up by roots and heading up into yankee territory goes. I could see advantages to it. Well, apparently it's that time of year again. By all accounts it would be quite the career coup if Allen swung this job. By his estimation there are about 3-4 equally or better qualified than him -all he believes to be happily employed. So it would appear that Allen has a pretty good shot at it. It would mean promotion, a HUGE salary increase, a very sweet entry on his resume, an opportunity to work with something he's helped develop over that past half dozen years, and (the biggie) a move to Silicon Valley.

Wifey dearest is mildly freaking out. Which is to say I'm exhausted just thinking about it. There is this huge part of me that really hopes Allen gets this job and makes good in a huge way. For one thing we could use a few more pennies in our piggy bank, but I would really love to see Allen come into his own as a respected figure in his field. If that means moving to California I'm all for it. (That was the proud, loyal wife speaking.) There is this other part of me that is absolutely screaming, fists pounding on the floor, at the thought of moving to California. Visit? Yes. Move? No. I actually like Alabama thank you very much. Granny and Mamaw and Grandmom and Granddad all live here. Not to mention siblings, parents, cousins, etc. Did I mention my church? I'd have to leave my church. And I'd end up in California. There's a part of me that's ready for something to happen -for us to really grow into our married lives and for Allen to grow into his career. I just never thought that would involve us moving to California. Never. Nope. (Ok, being a programmer's wife I knew Silicon Valley might loom in my future, but most of the geeks I know are perfectly able to get along without it.) Erg.

Anyway, this is all tentative, speculative, don't know what is actually going to happen, etc. But I'm still sort of freaking out. And my natural response to such freakoutery is to want to curl up in bed and sleep until there's an actual decision to be made. Not exactly an awesome thing to do.

(See when I say I like adventures it's more the "choose your own" type. I don't do so well being airlifted into them."

things that hurt

I'm just going to put it out there. It's hard to see people taking for granted things I never had -especially relationships. We recently found out that one of Allen's cousins eloped a year ago. No one knew anything about until a week or so ago. They flew in for Christmas at her parent's house and nobody realized they were actually married. (And just in case you're thinking it, no one thought they were living together either. This isn't cart before the horse.) Anyway, we all just found out that they've been married nearly a year, and NOW they're planning a wedding. I honestly don't get this. Her dad says he wants to give her away. What? Didn't that train leave the station long ago?

What really makes this so hard for me to see is that she gets to elope without telling her parents, not tell them for nearly a year, and still have her big family wedding. On the other hand, I really did try to do everything I could to placate my parents, but in the end I either had to walk away or be smothered into virtual nonexistence. I chose to leave. That meant my dad telling me he would not being giving me away (because by reaching out for my own, separate existence I had in my father's eyes nullified his authority) and my whole family in general having nothing to do with the wedding. They did come, but even then they tried to get away without speaking to us. Our cousin, on the other hand, voluntarily left her family out of her plans, and then gets everything I desperately wanted. It's hard. There have been times in the past few days when I've really wanted to lash into her -to point out how absolutely inconsiderate I think she's acted and loudly protest the unfairness of it all. But I can't. It's not her fault that my family acted the way they did. I'm a Christian for crying out loud. It shouldn't be in me to complain about someone else receiving an extra ounce of temporal grace and mercy when I myself have received so much. And yet it still hurts. However usual Allen and I may find weddings that take place after first anniversaries, the truth is that it just hurts to see her able to have her big family wedding after all of this. A reception to publicly announce their daughter's marriage? Sure. A wedding? Ouch. And I know that part of this whole wedding thing is for the parents and grandparents who have long looked forward to her wedding. I understand that. Of course it doesn't make me feel so much better because my parents rather easily dispensed with that side of things. Anyway, like I said it's not her fault I'm having this emotional reaction to everything.



Reading through this again I think a few caveats are in order. First, I don't have anything against elopements. If you want to be together and don't want to wait until everyone can dress up and traipse down the aisle with you then please go ahead and get married. Just tell someone afterwards. It doesn't seem quite kosher to me to, post elopement, come hang out with the family over six months later disporting yourselves as a dating couple. Second, maybe I have an odd view of sacraments (and related such things), but I honestly don't see a whole lot of point in going through the vows a second time. But then again I also don't see the point in getting baptized again because the first one "didn't take." Of course it took -you just weren't faithful to your covenant obligations. Thirdly, I realize that my opinions about all such things have absolutely no bearing on what her family should or should not do. There's no law in heaven or on earth against any of this. If I have a problem with any of this it's just that -my problem. All that aside, her husband seems pretty cool, and I hope they will be very happy together.

thoughts on sacraments

In the car this evening Allen and I ended up talking about people's approach (namely in our church) the the sacraments -specifically communion. We tend to lean rather towards the paedo end of things ourselves. For those who aren't familiar with the debate going on in some circles, there are people of the baby baptizing persuasion who believe that all baptized children capable of eating and drinking should be permitted/encouraged/brought forward to take communion barring extraordinary behavior on the child's part (such as the sort which would bar any other Christian from the Table). The way I understand it, the argument goes thusly:

1. Infant baptism recognizes/affirms that "the promise is to you and to your children" and that simply being born to believing parents puts a child in a particular covenantal relationship with God. In this way baptism is analogous to circumcision. Like the Jewish born child born under the old covenant, a baptized infant born to believing parents today is born into certain obligations towards God -namely to love God and keep His commandments.

2. God ordained the Lord's Table for the benefit of those in His family -those people in covenantal relationship with Him.

3. Since we believe baptized infants are in a real sense part of God's family and under covanental obligations we shouldn't bar them from receiving this very real means of grace.


All that to say that Allen and I tend towards the "bring 'em young" approach. If they can articulate a basic love of God and understanding of salvation I really don't see the problem letting take communion. What I do see a problem with is people who don't teach their kids (or their congregations) that communion is something we need to be anticipating. In the Table we encounter God's grace in a tangible way and receive strength to in the petty glories of life on earth. Whether you think your kid should come to the table at 3 or 12, letting them remain apathetic about communion doesn't seem like a good option. And of course I say this having (for an evangelical) a pretty high view of communion. I honestly don't understand churches who don't have weekly communion. I've heard the arguments for infrequent communion, and I don't buy them. I must admit that one of the silliest arguments I've heard is that it will make visiting non-believers feel excluded. Seriously, what do you say to that? The Gospel is an invitation -a command even- to put away our sinful, rebellious ways and come to Christ. You who are not sons and daughters may now become children of God. You who stand outside the doors hungry and naked may come to be clothed and fed. That's not exclusive, but communion is?

Anyway, all that to say I'm really glad I go to a church that values communion so highly and invites us week after week to meet Christ where He presides over the table He has laid for His children, and every week I love watching a certain little girl dancing in the aisle as she waits to dip her bit of bread in the wine cup. The eagerness in her upturned face confronts my jadedness and reminds me what it means to approach God with the joyous expectation of a child.

Speaking of hair....

I cut mine today. By which I don't mean that I plunked down cash at some salon or ever convinced a friend cut it for me. I mean I cut it. Myself. Mostly myself anyway. I asked Allen to check the back to make sure it was even. Other than that I just spent an unearthly amount of time combing and snipping until I got something that looked about right. Overall I ended up taking off about 2-3 inches, but since my hair was approaching hip length anyway I wasn't too worried about snipping it all too short trying to get things even. At any rate I figured I couldn't do worse than my last hair cut which I ended up recutting a couple of days after visiting the salon. Plus, this way I can spend my mad money on something I want (and can't make myself).

Salmon with Cheesy Grits

Since Allen can't eat fish I've started making this for my lunch a couple times a week. It might sound a little odd, but it's really very, very good.

Ingredients:

1 Salmon burger (I found mine at Whole Foods)
large pinch each cumin, garlic salt, and onion powder
dash cayenne
1-2 tbs grape seed oil

1/2c grits
1 1/2c water
salt
pepper
sharp cheddar cheese (handful grated)
2tbs butter

Method:

Mix seasoning together with grape seed oil and saute salmon on med/low heat until done. While the burger is cooking bring the water to a boil and add the grits along with a pinch of salt and good grinding of pepper. Once the grits have started to thicken stir in cheese and butter. Adjust seasonings as necessary. After reaching the desired consistency, pour the grits into a bowl, lay the salmon on top, lick the spoon you used to stir the grits, and enjoy.

what not to grow

Just saw a picture of our pastor "back in the day" sporting a goatee, it reminded me how much I like Allen's beard. (A few years about when he came back after having grown out his beard I promptly told him he wasn't allowed to shave. Dear thing that he is he hasn't.) I have to say that for most guys the goatee just isn't a good look. Brian Murphy gets away with it best of anyone I can recall. Must be his ninja barber.

laundry list of jazz moves

The instructor said she'd e-mail me a list of all the jazz moves she covered in her class, but I thought I would go ahead and post all the names I can remember. If any of you out there know of good links or videos for these moves I'd appreciate it.

1. Charleston
2. C with cross body kick
3. Scarecrow
4. Itch
5. Eggbeater
6. Eggbeater with turn (I think this might be a break?)
7. Eagle something or another
8. Spank the Baby
9. Boogie forward
10. Boogie back
11. Drunken sailor
12. Mess around
13. Suzy Q
14. Pivot turn
15. Down low
16. Gaze afar
17. Swim
18. Gypsy Jumps
19. Hallejulah rocks
20. Shorty George
21. Ankle bends
22. Jazz square
23. Clap it out (1,2,3,hold,4)
24. Shouts
25. Mambo kicks
26. Knee slaps
27. Shimmy
28. Stomps? (maintaining weight on left foot stomp right foot forward and drag back)
29. Cake Walk
30. Apple jacks
31. Break a leg
32. London Bridge

That's about all I can think of right now.

veni vici lindy

Allen and I just got back from Cumberland Shuffle in Nashville -tired, sore, and happy. I'm particularly glad we went because they put a lot of emphasis on solo Charleston/Jazz and creativity which is wonderful because I think all those moves (and their endless variations) are really going to broaden my range of possibilities both as a follow and a solo dancer. I also really appreciated how the teachers pushed the limits of how fast we could dance. I know that in general Allen and I have been pretty slow dancers as far as lindy goes, but I'd say we've up our range of danceable music pretty significantly. And we got to learn aerials! So much fun.

The weekend was good in other ways as well. A conversation I had this weekend sort of made me rethink my dedication to the general. I'm a dabbler. I know it well. I'm never going to be the finest knitter, seamstress, cook, or dancer. I'll never be the most well read or informed. My political involvement will likely be as sporadic as my principles are firm, and I really, really doubt I'll ever hike one of the seven peaks of complete a through hike, but I still expect to see some pretty neat things before I die. Coming out of a workshop like this one it's easy to want to throw my energies into dance....for the next month before I decide that I really want to go sea kayaking or whatever it is. With that in mind I've sort of realized two things: 1. that Allen isn't as into lindy (and dance in general) as I am and 2. that it's ok for me to go places and dance while Allen is reading his book or working on his laptop. With that in mind I think I'm going to try and work on my dance some more these next few months just using what we have available around town. I'm still firmly committed to being a dilettante, but it would be nice if I could attain a higher level of dancing. We'll see what happens.

Toes in the mud

Last weekend down at the farm I got to help with my first controlled burn, and I must say I'm pretty good at setting fires. I thought it rather novel experience to be standing by the side of the road starting fires while being watched by a passel of neighborhood dogs in varying stages of curiosity. One of them, a cute little gray and brown brindled pup, kept following us around. I had been calling him to get away from the fires, and he just tagged along when Allen and I headed into the field towards his dad and brothers where they were burning a back line. It was like something out of Mordor seeing the blackened smokey ground with it's little wisps of flame flickering as they slowly licked their way up towards the hill. Of course once we got there the men folk started teasing me about being out there in "flip-flops." (actually tevas) I didn't mind though. Allen and I stayed out there for several more hours with pine branches in our hands to beat out the back line of the fire as we burned our way towards the creek. Once we got towards the creek though it became pretty obvious that we weren't going to get much more burning done until things dried out a bit more. There was a couple of places where I sank up to my ankles in mud and ash, but there the vegetation had been thick enough to keep the fire moving. Closer to the creek it became too sparse and damp in patches to even keep it going. Tired and muddy though I was there have been fewer more peaceful times than I had sitting by the creek talking to one of my brothers (in-law), resting my eyes on the green pasture across, and watching the remaining flames flicker even more brightly as dusk rose up around us. Afterwards the four of us traipsed back through the mud, across the silent, black fields punctuated by great gnarled trees and standing groves -back to our cars and back to Mamaw's bright kitchen.

reasons not to answer the phone when tired:

A couple of our regular follows are out of town this coming weekend, so our dance instructor had to tag the old married woman to help out with class. He finally called this evening to see when I could practice with him. I'm so glad Allen answered the phone because the first thing that came into my head was "no you can't have my body right now, I'm too tired," and as tired as I feel right now I just might have said it. To the great embarrassment of all. The moral of the story is -if you call me when I'm tired YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Seriously, it's been a loooooong stressful week. A hormonal, sleep cycle off, found an awesome apartment only to realize our lease is up next month (stupid 13 month lease), had a bad dream this morning. woke up with a headache, and I watched one of my parakeets die, all around not so fun bad week.

I think I'm going to go to a clinic and get needles stuck in me. My friend recommended a wellness care clinic that seems to be herbal granola girl friendly. I guess we'll see.

warming? swarming? let's just say I like dirt.

It's sort of disheartening reading about these various environmental groups. A lot of them seem very into social programs, government incentives, and at times a distrust of free-markets/private property. As you may guess I'm very into the latter and not so much into the former. Now I actually think that a strong view of private property can help environmental causes and that free-markets can provide some effectual checks to corporate excesses. For instance, if I own a piece of land who's waterways running through it are negatively impacted by strip-mining (or manufacturing) upstream, a strong view of private property says "Your practices are impinging my property rights. Quit it." In the same manner I think that for changes to be durable they need to competitive in the marketplace. (Understandably, in today's markets government subsidies artificially skew prices. In the US, right now, we aren't dealing with free market conditions.) If electricity plants stop burning cheap, dirty coal and change to some more expensive way of producing electricity....well they won't unless you make them. BUT! If you can find a cheaper, more efficient way of producing electricity you won't have to make anyone switch over. They'll all be chomping at the bit, and the change will be long-lasting. Plus you won't have to deal with increased commodity prices due to increased production costs or the corresponding lessening of consumer buying power as a result of a. regulation, b. subsidization, or c. both. Of course at this point we could go into this whole thing about how government actions are effectively inhibiting companies and investors from having the incentives or opportunities to do this as rapidly as they could, but that's for another rant. Sufficing to say that it's a snarl.

To go back to what I said about government incentives, there's a sense in which I understand that this is the government with which we're dealing. Incentives are a fact of life. Use them. Haggle for them. Deal. Go ahead and point out that government subsidies go to bloated corporations, hurt farmers, contribute to national obesity, or whatever it is they do, but don't forget that subsidies are bad business no matter who gets them. It's not like Jones Valley Urban Farms getting subsidies = good and Conagra getting subsidies = bad. They still skew the marketplace and take money out of potential investor's (and consumer's) hands. So yes, we have to deal with government incentives and subsidies, but don't expect me to get all happy clappy when I hear that Congress has passed a bill to subsidize organic peanuts in Mississippi. As for my thoughts on social programs see the above. I love them when people come together and buy a plot of ground together to create a neighborhood garden. I don't love it when the government comes in and starts doing what people ought to be doing with their own two hands. The government is big enough thank you. It can darn well keep its mits off my locally grown arugula.

Having said all that, I'm generally in favor of smaller landfills, cleaner air and water, healthier soil, fewer endangered species, and fair trade coffee. I'm just think I'm in it for different reasons. As such, I don't feel comfortable calling myself an environmentalist. Allen has suggested "conservationist." I wonder if maybe I'm not something like an environmental humanist -by which I mean someone who's environmental concerns and goals are driven by human needs rather than any particular regard for the earth as a thing apart. To further illustrate, I like clean air because I breathe air. I'm in favor of fewer and smaller landfills because they are unsightly and smelly things to have in one's backyard. Healthy soil grows nutritious plants that keep me living longer and feeling better. Good environmental practices are often good for people, and I don't think that should be accidental. I think it's all part of dominion, stewardship, and making this earth into a beautiful garden to welcome Christ's return. To that end I hope to see urban gardens, backyard swings, vast sweeps of virgin timber, and steel high rises all intermingled to the glory of God and the service of His people.

my latest crush

It's a Eureka tetragon 8, and it's finally mine. On the way home from bookclub I thought. "I don't have any fires to put out at home. I think I'll wander down and see if that tent is one sale." It was, so I bought it. Then I wondered if this other place might have it cheaper. They did. Plus their box included the rebate tag. That was double score. Triple score came when, while returning my earlier purchase, I asked if they did price matching. I ended up getting a brand new $120 tent for $40. Now I can't wait to go try it out. Now I just have to decide where I want to go first.....



image credit W. Van Pelt"packhound" on amazon.

my only excuse for the past hour spent on youtube

Also this:

it is or it isn't (a disjointed rambling)

Reading some the Pandora comments for an artist (Plumb I think?) I noticed someone asking in frantic caps "IS THIS ARTIST CHRISTIAN??????" To which someone else replied with "What does it matter if you like it?" Now I can understand some of the question because honestly some of the songs that come up on Pandora I thumb down simply because the lyrics are so contrary to my beliefs that I can't enjoy the song. On the other hand when Harry James comes up on Pandora it doesn't even cross my mind to wonder whether the band playing "King Porter Stomp" was lead by a born again Christian. The whole horn section could have been Rastafarians, and it wouldn't make the song any less enjoyable. On the other hand some people (mainly evangelicals with a bumper sticker theology mentality) seem to think that "Christian" is an acceptable substitute for "well crafted." It's like the Left Behind books. Who care's if they're any good? The way some people talk it's like Jenkins and LaHaye went to the Isle of Patmos and unearthed a whole nother set of scrolls. Literary quality isn't the important thing to these people. Same thing with those radioactive Kindcaide paintings. Same thing with a fair portion of Christian music. Which is not to say that a large portion of secular or mainstream music isn't pure musical chaff. But jeesh people listening to bad music because it's Christian doesn't make you a better Christian. It just makes you a bad judge of music. Allen and I were talking about this last night on our way to church and came up with two criteria for music (and I would say most artistic pursuits). 1. Is it good? 2. Is it edifying? Either it is or it isn't. Baring personal tastes of course. Considering my inability to understand anything said in a rap song much less appreciate it I wouldn't be likely to find even very good rap edifying or well executed.

Of course I know this opens up a huge window to talk about what is good. Some people would exclude country. Some people would exclude hip hip or techno. Others honestly do prefer Bach and Handel to pretty much everything you hear on the radio today. The window is good because it means that finally we're talking about good Christian books versus bad Christian literature or possibly even good literature versus bad literature instead of merely Christian v secular. Once upon Christian wrote the great literature of the day, wrote the finest symphonies, and painted the most beautiful women. Now we mass produce plastic WWJD bracelets. Blah blah culture, downfall of standards, etc. Are we even trying?

once more with feeling

I know I've been posting a lot of random stuff, but I'm feeling the need to post me a list because here it is nearly one, and I haven't done much besides eat lunch. So here's my (short) Saturday list:

1. clear dishes and junk mail out of the living room
2. run a load of laundry
3. clear laundry out of bedroom
4. make a pan of ziti
5. drink water
6. change sheets
7. not worry about what I didn't get around too
8. play Team Fortress :D

conversations I still have with myself

not that kind of girl

It's kind of funny. I over on Quietude I noticed Laura posting about her china pattern. Not having a china pattern of my own I immediately went out looked up some just to see what's out there and was again quickly reminded that I'm really more of an urban cottage style girl than I formal tea style kind. (After a conversation with a friend this afternoon I really doubt I'm even very urban minded, but it's a convenient way to label my affection for some of the wares sold by Ikea and Urban Outfitters.) There's some fine china I could tolerate and even a few patterns I could admire but I'm continually being attracted to stone and earthenware dishes. This is my new recent favorite from Pottery Barn called Emma. I really think I'd rather have it than almost any china pattern I've seen.
It's just sort of funny though to read all the comments on Laura's post on how much these women enjoy using "real" china and wondering why people don't register for it anymore. Of course I don't really understand people getting those dishes in odd "organic" shapes. At least, I can understand some people might find them attractive in the same way people find formal platinum banded china attractive, but personally I don't get it. Anyway, seeing as how I don't have room for any more dishes it's all somewhat moot, but wouldn't these make wonderful Sabbath dishes?

Personal application of a sermon

Last night Tom preached on envy, which is honestly probably one of my more significant failings as a Christian. Probably. Allen might say it's leaving the mustard out on the counter all week. Anyway, here's how it works. For people outside my group I think, "wow that is so cool I wish I could do something awesome like start a non-profit/hike the cascades/start a lindy scene/have x cool job/etc. That's more a "be content with where I am today" type issue. When I'm in a group it's a different story. Take lindy hop for instance (since that's sort of my thing). I have struggled tremendously watching various girls in our group develop as dancers because every time they learn a new swivel or break I feel threatened as a dancer. This is nonsense yes? But there it is. I have to very consciously remind myself over and over again that everything they learn is added to the community closet so to speak. We learn from each other, and their progress makes me a better dancer. But the problem is that I'm no longer the "best" dancer. Of course I wasn't anyway because there are always the instructors. However, some dark spot in my psyche was content being the best among the students. However, as the scene has grown other girls have joined who've proved singularly adept at the step, step, triple step. For my better nature that has been a tremendous blessing -people to learn from and with, more styles brought into the dance, a bigger scene, etc. For my sin nature it's been very hard coping with being better without being best. I'm a better dancer by far since other people have started even though my absolute ranking in the area may have fallen (if there even was such a thing.) And this is the nonsensical part of my struggle with envy. Envy would rather be on top even if that means I remain I worse dancer/friend/organizer/etc. The quality of the work doesn't matter so much as remaining the undisputed top dog.

Call me pompous but I really don't think I was meant for envy. I don't mean in the theological sense that humans were made for the garden of Eden either. I mean in the day to day sense. I don't like it. If it's one of my besetting sins it's also the one of which I'm possibly most aware and over which I most grieve. It's also the one in which I was possibly most trained. Who trains a kid in envy you may ask? Possibly my parents. Among us kids there were a couple of mentalities competing. One was a sort of school mentality. Stick together or the sharks will get you. It was five kids trying to understand a mom who was (and probably still is) very likely seriously, clinically depressed. However that was another competing mentality more along the nature of sharks. The line was pretty nigh impossible for anyone to toe, but sometimes someone would give a fairly good impression of it. That meant that all the parental heat was off of her/him and on the rest of you. Enter the sharks. Self-preservation said bring that sibling down before we all die here. I'll give you an example. My mom would (no kidding) ask people "So who do you think has the higher gpa, Natalie or Claire?" You might think this sounds deplorable no matter what the gpa. But let me tell you something -my gpa was three hundredths of a point lower than my sister's and that furthermore I was a junior/senior and she was a freshman/sophomore. See what I mean when I tell you I was trained in envy? My good grades became a foil for my sister's better ones. In the end that's about all the were good for. Growing up it wasn't so much about toeing the line as being closer to it than anyone else. One kid looking good frequently (admittedly not always) made the rest of us look bad.

I know that regardless of what I learned growing up that my sin is still my sin. I can't just look at something my parents inadvertently did and pass that buck back. Wrapped up as it is though in my search for love and approval and my desire to be a "good kid" envy has been a pretty tough one to root out. I don't want to be the bad kid. I don't want to lose approval. I want to be loved and accepted and commended. If that meant stomping on a few fingers....Father hunger is a strong emotion. The interesting thing though, to go back my lindy hop example, is that I'm in no less demand as a dancer now that I was before. I would say the reverse is true. Other people's successes have made me stronger and I believe will continue to make me stronger. I'm not as envious of other people as I was a year or two ago, and I believe I owe that in many ways to my church family because I don't have to scrape and connive to get these people to care for me and to approve. The masks can come down. It's ok to be unsure, faltering, and imperfect. And in that I see the face of God. I don't have to be better than Jennifer, Allen, Scot, Laura, etc because God loves me independent of and without thought for where they are in their walks. It's a very beautiful and very free thing. No more competing. No more being glad when the best dancer/biker/babysitter/etc moves out of town and you get to move up a rank. It's a good place to be whenever I can maintain the altitude.

Happy Valentine's Day

Not a very happy day here with Allen in bed sleeping off a fever, but I hope the rest of you are enjoying chocolate and pink hearts aplenty. Maybe Allen and I can do something next weekend.

This explains a few things

Somewhere underneath this conservative, grew up nice-girl, exterior I think there might a crazier girl who would like to go backpacking in grizzly bear country. But since I'm not bat-guano insane I'd go in with a can of bear spray strapped to my hip and a portable gps unit. Anyway, I think this song explain a few things.



Btw, has Dierks Bentley gotten cuter since he first showed up?

on blogging coolness

Poking around a few of my church's blogs I've realized that I lead a pretty banal blog life. For instance, most of my music choices are weird. Not cool weird mind you like all those people posting music reviews on their blogs that sound like something out of "Interesting person's guide to cool music." My stuff is really just weird. Apparently it takes a special kind of person to get worked up about the Pogues. Maybe I'm in the wrong denomination to like this kind of music? The only person I know who's into that sort of thing is a whiskey drinking Irish Catholic. Makes me wonder whether I have a Canadian Irish Catholic doppelganger who just can't get enough of blue-grass and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Actually, now that I consider, the problem is that I don't get the "Beatles." That is what has kept me back from music blog review cool-dom all these years -lack of a classical education.

But there's more to my little blog than lack of cool music reviews. No cute baby pictures. None, zero, nada, not even preggo (that I know of). So the cool mommy blog thing is out. As likewise is the hip single girl blog chronicling one girl's hopes and dreams through the tangled web of hideous brides maid's dresses, unsympathetic bosses, out of touch males, and challenging life decisions. Yeah, I never even had a nodding acquaintance with that girl in my single days. Being an overprotected fundamentalist kid with nearly no fashion sense will do that to you.

Let's continue here. I haven't started any cool groups. I don't read eye-brow crunching books and give reviews. My job is very cool, but I don't feel the need to obsessively compulsively write about someone else's kids. I guess that just leaves me right here where I am. Three days a week (occasionally more) I look after some kids. Seven days a week I look after one husband. While doing so I often listen to sea shanties and irish punk rock. Sometimes I go dancing. Sometimes I think about things that I want to write down. That's not all of me, but that's a fair part. I guess that's what comes of being a jill of all trades type who can't stand the thought of getting an office job.

civilization and the joys of indoor plumbing

As some of you may know I'm contemplating a trip out west this coming spring/summer. To that end I've been researching destinations, gear, activities, etc, and I've come across multiple outfitters offering canoe and pack trips into the Yellowstone Wilderness and immediately I start thinking about getting off the asphalt and seeing what few people have ever seen -clear waters, high peaks, and gorgeous meadows. Then I make the mistake of clicking on the rates page. Apparently getting away from it all and pretending to live like a wandering cowboy requires a thorough knowledge of Wall Street. The mind attempts to seize alternatives. Rental? We could rent a canoe, stash our tent in it, and do a little meandering of our own. Except I read here that if you flip your boat over you have approximately 28min to get out of the water before you die of hypothermia. Also the water can go from smooth as glass to 4ft waves in a remarkably short space of time. Did I mention that if you fall out of the boat you have under 30min to get out of the water? 4ft waves notwithstanding? Hmmmm....I'm thinking that might be a little beyond our skill level. Combine all the previous with the fact that I believe indoor plumbing was a great advancement in civilization, and I'm starting to appreciate the glowing lights of civilization. In fact I'm beginning to suspect that I'm really just a very tame house cat who like to fluff out my fur and preen whenever I see a real lion on tv. I have a certain admiration for people who get their thrills standing on a peak in the Cascades, but snuggling up comfortably on the couch with a book as it's comforts as well.

moderate desire

A few weeks back I had a friend asking me if working for my friend taking care of her kids didn't give me baby fever -especially considering how I'd go on about the cute baby. The short answer is yes and no. I will free admit that I adore the baby I get to keep and really enjoy the two older kids as well. I would love to have kids someday. Yet, I'm also seeing how much I simply get to walk away from that I wouldn't as a mom. At most we're talking 6 hours and that not with all three at once and that not even every day. I don't have to make sure school uniforms are clean, lunches are packed, rooms are cleans, hair is washed, etc. If the kids are having a fractious day I know that in a few more hours I'll be able to come home, put on a cup of tea, and pick up my book. In other words, there are distinct advantages to not having kids. There are just some things that are easier for me to do. On the other hand, the more time I spend with those kids the more I enjoy them. The oldest wants to come help me cook, the boy wants to climb on my back and show me his trains, and the baby is as cute and snuggly as a rosy cheeked girl can be. Some days are longer than other, but on the whole I love my job. I finally feel like I'm doing the sort of thing I'd want to do even if I didn't get paid for it, and for a girl who'd like to have kids that's really encouraging. That's why I say yes and no when people ask me about baby fever. Yes I want kids, but I also realize that I have an opportunity now to soak up some of the health, strength, discipline, and resourcefulness that would be sorely lacking if I was trying to juggle a couple of my own right now. That's all.

Things I want to do:

So I've been mulling over a possible list of to dos for this year (or at least the foreseeable future), and I've come up with rather a short one.

1. Knit with friends -I'm part of the way there as I've actually started something, and several of my friends knit and/or crochet.

2. Visit Yellowstone -still in the planning stages, as of the current financial situation somewhat iffy, but definitely something I want to make happen.

3. Fall in love with my mountain dulcimer -Although I love folksy music and instruments (and own several) I've been a long time really learning to play them. After you've played "Boil them Cabbage Down" (or whatever it's called) for the fiftieth time I get sort of bored. Therefore I want to explore music that I would like to play specifically I want to learn how to play our church's music.

4. Find a cheaper apartment -this would have to be done sometime in the next 4-6 weeks. Basically Allen and I could be paying less and living in a more fun location. Suburbia is ok accessibility-wise, but there's more to life that being able to get to Target in under 15min.

5. Recover my rocking chair cushions -this has been in the works for months. I have the material. At one point I even started cutting them out. But alas I haven't made any significant strides towards getting this done.

So there's my list short as it may be for now. At any rate this should get me through the spring. At which time I just may start a summer list.