Oh a camping we will go....

I have been something of a gear head this past week as Allen and I gear up for camping season. Yeah, I know. That was summer. However, since it's pretty hard to camp here without a reservation (and reservations are snapped up months in advance through the summer months) I've been looking forward to winter for a while. Just now we've got a trip to Yosemite in the offing and another one that's still somewhat tentative but probably to King's Canyon down near Mt Whitney. The other thing I'm looking forward to is the snow. Even though this area isn't exactly known for it's snow there's plenty of it up around Yosemite, and I find that I suddenly have a passionate desire to go snowshoeing through it's beautiful forests. They even have full moon snowshoe hikes there. I told Allen, that's it we're going. I really thing we're going to have a blast this winter.

That's not all though! Once we get some gear together and find a time we're going to try some backpacking. It's something I've been interested in trying, and Allen says he's game for it. We just have to get our gear together now and find a time and place. That's probably not going to be until maybe January sometime though. Still, some exciting times coming up for us.

Equal in skincare

I just thought of something kind of funny. Think how the majority of people today seem to buy into all this "equality" rhetoric and then look at all the products marketed just for "a woman's skin" or "your unique needs." Now I think real equality is a completely silly idea, but if you look in my bathroom you'll see that Allen and I pretty much use the same shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and (occasionally) lotion. Silly? Yes. Funny? I think so.

stuffed feelings don't shout in your face

The past few weeks have really been a time of very intense processing for me. I've realized that in the past I've had trouble voicing my feelings, desires, and hurts. So many times when I thought I was expressing my feelings (like on this blog) I was either making intellectual statements (ie "I think") or making excuses for other people (ie "they didn't realize"). So rarely do I ever say simply "this hurts." If you put a huge pile of guilt and perfectionism on top of that you sort of have my everyday life. Pretty exhausting. And it plays out in the strangest ways. For instance, lately I've been thinking it would be all kinds of fun to try backpacking for a few nights. Allen says he's up for it, so away I go researching lightweight sleeping pads, wind/rain shells, water filtration systems..... the whole kit and caboodle. At first it's fun. "Hey look, REI has their BA insulated air core pads on sale right now -let's sit down and have a talk about how we see ourselves camping in the future." In a way research kind of appeals to me. But then I find myself spending five or more hours a day (yes I said a day) trying to find the perfect wind/rain jacket that's breathable, lightweight, inexpensive, etc. I need to get this right. Things will be very wrong if I don't get this right. Because of various influences I can be highly tempted to point of being absolutely compelled to sit down at the computer and painstakingly research water filters or vacation destinations while dishes and laundry pile up around me. By the time I tear myself away I'm stuck feeling lethargic and guilty with a huge pile of work that I am now mentally ill-quipped to handle. It's no fun. And now that I'm trying to express my feelings and really work though some of this junk I feel sort of like a roller coaster that's lost it's brakes. For instance, I often feel very apologetic about stuff like having a bad day or wanting to do something, and I hate feeling the need to compulsively apologize for stupid things. I really, really hate it. Lately I've found myself apologizing for stupid things and then feeling resentful about it. And if my counselor is right about anger often masking unhealed wounds then I' guessing this will only stop once we've gotten to the festering, bleeding core of things. I thought I had gotten the anger out of my system a long time ago, and here it is coming back. It's like picking at a scab that won't quite heal. I don't like feeling this way. Of course this is where my counselor would be asking "feeling what way?" Anger and resentment are pretty ugly emotions. I suppose I would say that I don't want to be feeling my feelings. And then we get back to where I was when I started going to counseling. It seems like I have to feel the feelings to get through all this and become the stronger Natalie that I hope to be one day. It's just that this stretch of the road is kind of bumpy right now.

Happy birthday to me

More later - Allen is just back with the candles, and it's now birthday cake time!

fruit of affliction

Lately I've been doing a bit of thinking about seasons of life, identity, purpose, what it actually means to live with an intentionality that deals confidently and compassionately with the past. Just today I discovered two posts on Femina very much to those points - one on affliction and the other on fruitfulness. I don't know that the good women over at Femina meant those posts to be complementary, but I believe they are. I know for myself that the particularly twists and turns of my own afflictions have made me doubt whether or not I'll ever really be the fruitful person I'd like to be. The phrase, "pensive, doubting, fearful heart," applies pretty well most days. I suppose because it's the nature of children (and indeed most everyone) to be egoists I'm more inclined to look at the various hurts and troubles I've been through and wonder "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" or "surely I must be a terrible, incompetent person to deserve this" instead inquiring of myself and God what should I be learning through all this? Along those lines Nancy Wilson writes:

The Bible has much to say about affliction in this life. God always uses such things to sanctify us, to conform us to the image of His Son, to teach us to follow Christ. It is good to be needy because we have a Savior who loves to bestow comfort in affliction, joy in suffering, and help for the helpless. If we never had need, would we have an idea of His matchless grace?

Afflictions are good for us because they are God’s schoolroom in which He teaches His children many things. Learn to listen and learn to be a good student in affliction. He does all things well. This is not an accident, but part of His good (though hard) Providence in your life. This is an opportunity for faith, without which we will not see the Lord.

Of course such a doctrine of affliction doesn't allow anyone to play the egoist. Maybe we earned the current affliction (ie the defaulting bank clerk) or maybe we didn't (ie an abused child), but either way affliction is something we should view from God's point of view and not own own. It's more a question of what God is doing in His kingdom and less of what we did or didn't do to earn our particular affliction. In some ways it's a hard doctrine and in other ways it's a freeing one. If you didn't earn it you can't even pretend to be in control of it. And yet if we really do believe the Gospel we must believe that suffering isn't arbitrary. It's always redeemed. Meaning that my issues with co-dependency and growing up with the kind of family I did is somehow part of God's ultimate plan to redeem creation. Yeah, I admit that I have no clue what part a couple of co-dependent parents and a few more or less messed up kids have to do with redeeming creation. Couldn't make up an explanation if I tried. Yet despite my own cluelessness I can't help but feel that if God is really in charge of this affliction then maybe it isn't such a crime to feel hurt. Maybe I don't have to shut down my heart and refuse to feel the pain since somehow, somewhere this pain that never quite goes away will be redeemed. It's not a wasted and wasteful emotion. By God's unfathomable grace it's part of my own redemption. That's very helpful to me because in the past I have more or less shut down in the face of pain. I've berated myself in private for wanting things to come out differently. Face it, if you expect a slap in the face, and you get a slap in the face at least you aren't disappointed. However, if you'd rather get a hug and know you might just get a cold shoulder and then get a slap in the face....well more fool you for wanting something you knew you weren't going to get. Way to pile up hurt and disappointment for yourself. So you stop wanting and you stop feeling. Every time you do that a little bit of you dies, but that's ok because at least you don't feel the hurts. At least it's ok until you get so numb that you'd rather feel anything than nothing.

As you might guess, under such circumstances it's pretty hard to be fruitful. When the Bible says "out of the overflow of his heart man speaks" I think it could also say that out of the overflow of man's heart he acts. Consider Jesus's remark that any man who harbors hatred in his heart is already guilty of murder. When you're feeling dead, dry, inadequate, and empty it's really hard to be fruitful no matter how much you might want to be. I know that for myself the fruitfulness comes in little fits and spurts -symbolic of my "pensive, doubting, fearful heart" I suppose. As I said, the connection between affliction and fruitfulness, suggested by the juxtaposition of the two latest posts at Femina, is in this case strictly from my own imagination. Whether or not they ordinarily go together I can't say. I can only speak from my own experience. And in my experience being told I couldn't cook for the longest time didn't exactly make my heart overflow with bounty once I got married and found myself having to cook. I remember I cooked spaghetti for our first meal together, and i was scared stiff. Of spaghetti my friends! Surely I had well and truly learned my own inadequacy. And this is where I found Rachel's post so encouraging. She pointed out that in the case of vines and bushes and fruit trees their fruitfulness isn't contingent on someone being there to appreciate the fruit. I don't normally block quote so much, but she puts it so well. Regarding fruitfulness Rachel says:

If you are like me, probably one of the first things you think of is Psalm 128 “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.”

But the funny thing is that in this verse, the fruitful vine is not bearing children, she is bearing fruit. The children are all off her vine long ago, and are responsible for their own fruit bearing. She is just a heavy laden vine. My mom has always taught that fruitfulness is not equal to bearing children, and here is another example of that. The mere fact of having had children does not mean you are a fruitful person. That would be like the apple trees calling it off after their first year of bearing fruit.

Fruitfulness isn't contingent upon someone being there to applaud, appreciate, or make use of what we do. In that sense fruitfulness is wasteful and supremely unconcerned with other people's reactions. We do the best we can and then drop the fruit where it may. If other people can use the fruit great. If not we just go right on producing it. I find this refreshing because this attitude makes hash of my more utilitarian sensibilities. When I think about taking up writing (and not just blogging) for my own pleasure or learning a new instrument or making something extra for supper I keep finding good reasons why not -mostly because who would they really help besides myself. But if I'm seeing this picture of fruitfulness aright then developing one's talents and putting something a little extra into supper making are in themselves fruitful activities. It doesn't matter if the husband notices or if you ever find yourself pressed up to use your talents publicly. We produce the fruit and let God worry about the harvest. And this is so not how I grew up. I've been so afraid of looking stupid or failing or not being recognized for what I do that I've really been kind of scared to do anything. Contrarily this sort of fruitfulness seems to look to God and to itself for its only justification. That's very freeing. Not having to worry about what every one else thinks.

So I know this all has been very long and rambling, but what am I trying to say? Here it is in a nutshell (if you're skimming stop here). I think any sort of non-Biblical idea of affliction is likely to produce people who either don't know how or believe that they can't be fruitful people. It's hard to have a generous heart when you've tucked it down into the furtherest cranny of yourself so as not to feel it's wounded pulse. Case in point -as women its so easy to feel that without kids we are simply waiting somewhere between contentment and despair for our fruitfulness to begin. But no, God has called His people to affliction and to fruitfulness. They can only be contrary callings if we make then be.

History

There are things that were said that cannot be unsaid. Forgiveness can't supply the missing words. There are things that were done that cannot be undone. Reconciliation won't rewind those steps. There is pain that cripples because it believes itself to be a weakness instead of a wound. There are the things that may be forgiven but should never be ignored. Like I tried to do. I made excuses for the hurts because I was not sure the kindnesses would have been better. I did not know that there are things I didn't deserve not because of any aspect of my past or anyone else's past but because of my innate dignity as a person. Perhaps I shouldn't make the same excuses for people who hurt me that they made to deny hurting me.

Maybe, just finally, I'm learning to grow up with the me that is and not the me I wish there was.

getting out of hand

Looks like the camping obsession is getting out of hand. Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about either since we haven't been camping since we went to Yosemite over a month ago. But lately it seems like I can't get away from looking at camping gear and planning what gear to get next. I just ordered a couple of mummy bags to replace/upgrade the super huge two person sleeping bag we've been dragging around with in an effort to assemble gear that we could conceivably take on a one or two night backpacking trip. Anyway I was really excited to have found some good sleeping bags on sale. I had bought my gear for the month. Wasn't looking for more. Then I got an e-mail sale flyer from Campmor (same place I bought the sleeping bags). Now I've got just over two hundred dollars of gear in my wishlist -all on sale and all of it pretty basic essentials that I'm sure we'll want. And I'm out of mad money for the month. The annoying thing is that everything I have on my wishlist I can justify pretty easily. If we're going to be camping in the mountains this fall/winter we're probably going to want at least a warm bottom base layer and probably a water/windproof shell. Fleece jackets would be a good addition to all the cotton we've got in our wardrobes. AND DID I MENTION IT'S ALL ON SALE! Jeesh. /shakes head. Of course none of this includes getting a bike rack for our car, and since we've got a spare tire I'm afraid we won't be able to get by with a fifty dollar trunk rack. It is way too easy to spend money. Way too easy.

No I can't juggle or breath fire or pull coins out of your ears

How in heaven's name did "entertaining" come to describe the heart warming practice of a person/family inviting you and perhaps a few others over to enjoy a some combination of food, conversation, and possibly cards or a board game? Every time I hear someone say "but of course we love to entertain" my brain conjures up two rival images. One image consists of people shining, polishing, and otherwise gilding their home in the hopes of dazzling the less fortunate the elegance, creativity, and tasteful ostentation of their domestic life. In this sense "entertaining" is understood to refer to that sentiment which prompts people to pay enormous fees to walk around the elegantly furnished homes of people long since dead. At least in the former instance one may reasonably expect refreshment. The second image that comes to mind is that of guests sitting around in expectant silence waiting for their host to do something astonishing such as burst out into an aria or tell a selection of appropriate humorous anecdotes. And here I thought that by cleaning up my apartment and messing up my kitchen to have friends over for a meal I was practicing hospitality. If you want entertainment there's a movie theater down the street. Otherwise I have some homemade bolognese sauce and a bottle of wine that I'd dearly love to share if you can condescend to not being entertained for a single evening.

I know in many ways it's a silly and meaningless usage, but I do rather feel that it obscures what I feel should be happening when people invite other people into their lives for a time. When the emphasis is on entertaining I get a sense more of showing off one's possessions or conversation. However, when one extends hospitality the emphasis seems to be more on making room in your life (however temporarily) for another person and their interests. Entertaining wants crab cakes and champagne. Hospitality might enjoy crab and champagne as much as the next person but will happily make do with hamburgers and iced tea. Of the two I would rather practice hospitality.

Thanksgiving in Cali?

So Allen and I are facing the prospect of a Thanksgiving in California far away from both our families. At first we were thinking that maybe we'd just bite the bullet and fly out for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but when we really thought about spending that much money for four days with family when we're going to turn around three weeks later and head right back for an extended Christmas visit...it seems the better part of stewardship to just stay in Cali for Thanksgiving. Of course if this were a book put out by your favorite Christian author this is where things would get all heart warming because one of three things would soon happen. We would A. invite an older person without family close by over and (insert heart warming moral/lesson/conclusion), B. be ourselves invited to join a family gathering (insert heartwarming moral about family being where you find it), or C. spend the day dishing up food a local shelter (insert Christian brownie points). The problem is that none of those options really appeal to me. If I wouldn't go feed homeless people any other day of the week I can't see the virtue of doing in on Thanksgiving just so I can feel all warm and virtuous; I can't think of anyone I'd care to invite over, and I'm not so sure I really want to go visit someone else. I still have enough awkward moments around my in-laws during holidays that I'm none too sure I'd want to go hang out with someone else's family. Of course there's always the "young married without family in town Thanksgiving Potluck" that I'm sure someone will end up suggesting. Can't say that really appeals to me either. I suppose at these moments I tend to revert to my mom's attitude. If there's no family to visit then by golly we've got four whole days to go see something. Pack your bags, and crank up the rv. Of course in our case this would translate into throwing the tent into the car and packing the icechest. I really don't know though. Of course if I was at home I probably wouldn't know either because there would at least be a chance that we'd have to decide among three different Thanksgiving meals. But we'd be with family. At this point it doesn't matter if we head for the mountains or the beaches or just stay here. It's still not home. But we make the best of it. If anyone has any suggestions for destinations no more than 5-6hrs from Silicon Valley area I'd love to hear them. I honestly don't know what's good to visit in November in this part of Cali.

no more flu!

Allen and I are finally pulling ourselves together from our recent bout of flu. I don't know if we had the dreaded swine flu or what, but it sure took it's sweet time. First I had a very dry cold (tight cough), then a very wet cold (kleenex flying about willy nilly), and finally a very stuffy cold (sinus pressure with nightly headaches). I feel like I've had a succession of colds to make up for the ones I seem to missed the past year. Allen's been about the same, although his symptoms have come and gone in about half the space mine did. Having missed three weeks of church I've been half expecting people to start asking Allen if I'm dead or possibly run away :D Of course now that means I have piles of back laundry and dishes that need doing. Marvelous feeling to wake up feeling better and then realize how much work you need to do. Rather makes me feel like going back to bed. We're making a bit of progress at any rate. Made supper tonight for the first time in over two weeks. We've been scraping the bottom of the barrel around here and supplementing with frozen pizza and take-out. Homemade soup is welcome change. Anyway, hopefully I'll be fully up around around in a few days. My bike panniers came in the mail last week, so now I can go to the grocery store and the library without having to carry it all on my back.

Missing Autumn

On facebook I've been seeing everyone start their annual "my football team is better than your football team" posturing, and I've realized quite suddenly that Fall should be here. Growing up Labor Day always meant another week on the road. For months we'd discuss locations -Maine, Colorado, New England, wherever our fancy and two or three day's traveling could take us. As Labor Day approached we'd check out travel books from the library and watch the weather reports. At some point us kids would be dispatched to vacuum out the rv and stash numerous boxes of cereal. Then, on a Friday afternoon, we'd put the milk in the rv fridge, put a few pizza's in the oven, and wait for Dad to come home. As soon as Dad had come home and changed we did a last check of the house to make sure faucets and ovens and irons were all off; we'd carry down the pizzas on their cardboard rounds, scramble up the steps into the rv, and wait for Mom to lock the door. I can still hear the sound of the that first twack as Mom pulled the rv door closed behind her, and the rv rumbled it's way up the driveway and out onto the road. Sitting there in the rv, eating pizza, and digging into my library I always knew we were doing something special. It was every trip was like Christmas where each day was another present unwrapping itself from the ribbon of the interstate before us. Every sunrise was an entirely new thing seen from a bouncing, swaying window while licking powdered sugar from my breakfast doughnut from my fingers. Even the rain didn't bother us because it was new rain from a new sky, and watching the storm come up over mountain or lake could be half the fun. When you go to see things it doesn't matter near so much how you see them but only that you do see them.

Unfortunately I can never return to those days. I'm even finding myself increasingly reluctant to wear my old vacation shirts because they are the last tangible memories of a time that was necessarily all too brief. Even if I wanted to though I couldn't go back. The university schedule changed much of our travel schedule. Now that we are growing up and going our own separate ways.... How I wish my memories of these days were clearer. As they are I only have snapshots of hikes and sunrises and late nights listening to old radio shows -often as not thinking about some boy I rather liked. They were good times, and I will be forever grateful that I had them.

This is just brilliant

This is a quote from Lark News article Pastor tries inauthenticity.

BEND, Ore. — For years pastor Terry Bradley of New Life Community tried to be entirely real with everyone.
That experiment is now over.
"Authenticity is bogus," he says. "It's never real. Nobody knows himself well enough to be fully authentic, and trying to self-divulge all the time breeds shallow relationships because it denies the complexity and mystery of human personalities."

If you don't read Lark News you should -this goes double if you're a Christian and triple if you're an evangelical Christian. If what you read there offends you, and you vow to never darken their links again be scared. Be very scared. Remember, the Pharisees couldn't get the joke about them meticulously straining out gnats out of their wine and then golluping a camel in their soup.

Sorry for the below

I just wanted to say sorry for the sour tone of previous post, and I hope I haven't offended any of you young/new moms out there that might have stumbled across my little blog. However, I think I'm going to keep that post up because I really have felt like that in the past. I suppose I should explain that when I'm talking to a person I have a real life connection to I can genuinely be happy/sad at the news -happy for them but a little sad because of the mess I went through. When it's random people popping up on the facebook news feed throwing out congratulations to people who've been married six months it feels a lot more in my face.

pregnant people (can) annoy the heck out of me

1. Because so far Allen and I haven't been able to have any

2. Because some of the congratulations and well-wishes almost make it sound like the expectant mother is holier than the rest of us dumb mom wannabes.

3. Because just maybe I think God is punishing me / it's my fault that we haven't had kids yet.

4. Because I don't want to be worthless because I don't have kids or a career.

5. Because coming face to face with a brand new mom in the making brings me smack up against my own pain as a daughter and a wife.

icky sicky -future plan uncertain

Well Saturday I came down with a sure enough cold. It's one of those things where you feel reasonably alert, but every time you stand up you get the head spinning/kind of weak in the back feeling. So mostly I don't stand up that much :D Unfortunately all this isn't helping me plan what to do over Labor Day. Not having any family in town or anything like that I was thinking we might revert to a Natalie family tradition and hit the road but not knowing how long this cold is going to last I'm pretty reluctant to make reservations anywhere (assuming I still could at this late date -California parks fill up early!). If we don't go anywhere I think I'm going to campaign for us to make that bookcase I want for the living room. Anyway, I think I'm going to find me some breakfast and head for the couch. Even sitting up at the computer desk is less than ideal right now.

A minor to do list

Ok. I'm really bad and getting going in the morning. Like really bad. So if my to do list seems really belated, that ok. It's better than no to do list.

Today:

-Completely take apart and wash blender (by hand or in dishwasher)
-Unload and load dishwasher
-Start a pot of soup.
-Jump on the rebounder
-Sit down with a glass of smoothie and my Bible. See if maybe I can find this God I keep saying I believe.

We'll see how it goes. But that's the plan for this afternoon.

Flaky like a biscuit

So I realize that I haven't been posting much on here lately -particularly not much of anything worth noting. It seems like it's part of a general trend lately. My moods have been better, but as I've been in a state of accelerated mental processing it seems like my get up and go has all gone into my head -literally. I can't settle down to anything. I'd rather be talking about something than working on my dishes. It has been a long week though. I sort of pushed kind of hard when my in-laws where in town (all the time saying "it's really no trouble" -liar liar), and once they left I was sort of zonked. Then yesterday (my busy one) I randomly ended up feeling queasy most of the day. Ok then. Today I stood in line for two hours getting my California driver's license. I've done some things, but not too many things, and I'm having trouble getting my ball rolling. I'm pleased to say that this counseling seems to be going really well. At first Allen and I weren't too sure about since it has me driving an hour and fifteen minutes one way to see a male counselor. However, we got the male thing squared away. Leaving the door partially opened seems to appease the gods of propriety, and the drive really isn't that bad. When I leave in good time it can even be quite relaxing to listen to some good music and just muse along to the lyrics. The first couple of times I went I wasn't quite sure how much, how often, how worthwhile these sessions would really prove, but yesterday hit a minor jackpot. I can chatter away for hours about various things -particularly my past-, but he managed to ask a few questions that honestly made me stop talking and think. Although he didn't say it's what it all boils down to, he recommended I read a book dealing with co-dependency. Honestly that's the last thing I would have considered in my own case. After all, I'm the one who broke away and got married. To me that didn't jive with being co-dependent, but then I looked it up and read some of the markers of a co-dependent. Oof. I could see plenty of signs in both myself and my mom. Interestingly (but I don't think oddly) my mom and I have almost entirely opposite tendencies. Where she pushes I hang back. Whereas she seems to feel like things would fall about without her, I am persuaded of the hopelessness of trying to pull things together. And what I find even more interesting is that the symptoms I've thought might be depression seem more likely to be evidence of codependency. It's exciting to finally feel like I'm making some progress in understanding my own behavior and being able to (by the grace of God) change it. Speaking of God's grace, my counselor was also able to draw out some reasons why perhaps I've been ignoring God against my own desires and inclinations. Once he put out there what he saw happening it really made so much sense. Very slowly I can see things starting to change. It might not really look like it on the outside. Goodness knows that most baby steps are bigger than the fractional progress I tend to make. But I really do think that I've got more potential for pushing through some of this and becoming the woman I want to be than I ever did before. Allen's excited too. Things are definitely starting to look up.

Family in town!!!

Since Allen's folks had to fly out this direction for a conference they decided to tack on a side trip to visit the newly out of towners. Allen and I got the apartment cleaned up, and we're looking forward to a weekend of visiting with home folks. Today I'm going to show them some of our local California attractions -CA 1, Trader Joes, Apple... That covers most of the big ones. They won't have time to visit Yosemite with us unfortunately. We're hoping though that we can convince them to bring Mamaw out here with them next spring sometime and visit a few parks on the way. Anyway, I still need to change sheets and empty the dishwasher and clear junk out of the car before I go pick them up from the airport. And shower. They would appreciate the showering part I think. Then it's off to Half Moon Bay. I can smell the spicy scent of those wave met hills just thinking about it. There's certainly no smell like it anywhere back home.

Hopefully I'll get back to posting some more writing around here. I've been doing some pretty intense processing the past few weeks -the combined results of meeting new people and starting counseling. Rest assured that things are going well.

Pasta for supper

Lately I've been learning to enjoy homemade pasta sauces. Several months ago I picked up a magazine called "Perfect Pasta" put out by Cuisine at Home. I don't know if you can still find a copy around somewhere, but if you stumble across one I'd encourage you to pick it up. It starts out by explaining how to make some of the most basic pasta sauces and moves on to cover most of the classics -including salads and risottos, and I love that it has at least one picture of every recipe and prep tips to make everything come out faster and tastier. So far I've tried making the oven roasted marinara and the bolognese sauces. Both of them were a big hit with Allen. The marinara recipe in particular is amazingly simple. It's posted below along with my modifications (since I rarely leave any recipe alone!).

Oven Roasted Marinara with Summer Squash

The basic recipe calls for for:

8c quartered, fresh tomatoes
1c chopped onion
1/2c olive oil
4 cloves garlic, smashed
1tsp sugar
1tsp salt
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/4c fresh basil, sliced thin

To this basic recipe I added:

1med zucchini, rough chopped
1med yellow squash, rough chopped

I also added another cup chopped onion. (I had some large onions.)

Rough chop all the veggies and mix together with oil and seasonings in an oven safe dish. Roast them at 400 degree for 45 minutes until the tomatoes are very soft. After you've roasted everything, pulse the mixture in batches to your desired consistency, and add basil. Feel very proud of making your own spaghetti sauce - I know I did!



Tip: I ended up blending too much liquid in with my sauce and making it a bit watery. If a lot of liquid was released during roasting you might want to hold some of the liquid back -at least until you've blended part of it and judged the consistency.

More good news

Found a counselor in the city. Going to go up there soon and see if I can't get a few answers to some of my questions.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Three years today. Pretty soon Allen and I are going to rock it out with some homestyle bbq at one of our favorite joints (ok, chains) from our newly wed days. Good times.


Love you, Honey.

NIGHT RIDE!

Having attached the blinking lights of safe guidance, Allen and I did forthwith venture upon the night and found that the night received us as one of her own and did usher us gentle down the lamp strung streets of San Jose.

Ok, that's sort of hard to keep up. Sufficing to say we had fun, and no one got hurt. Hopefully we'll have another opportunity to take a night ride together sometime soon. Right now Allen want's me to get off here so we can watch another episode of Leverage.

weight loss for the reasonably healthy?

Seriously, I see all these weight loss ads/programs/herbs/whatever. What I need is something that will tell me why a girl who eats organic, homemade, balanced meals can't seem to budge a single pound. Seriously, it seems like every time I try making a lifestyle change for the better (raw food, more fruit, biking, getting my broad spectrum supplement, etc) I end up gaining weight. Or if not gaining weight then having weight shift. I know the big thing I need to add into that mix is 15 minutes of rebounding a day and some weight training, but honestly this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Little help that my mom always thought I was overweight anyway. The past few years certainly haven't done much to improve my body image. But, I can't gripe about my weight anymore just now. Betsy and I are meeting Allen at the bike shop to get a rack for B. Then it's off to meet church folks for dinner. Road meet Betsy. You have just met your doom. For these ten miles at least :D

What does depression actually look like?

Lately I've been wondering just what depression really looks like. I understand that suicidal inclinations and an inability to function because life is just too much to handle indicates real, severe depression, but is that all depression looks like? I mainly ask because for I don't know how long I've cycled through up and down moods. My up moods never really become manic phases, and my down times don't actually cripple me. Not really. My mom used to joke I was bipolar because I could cycle between up an down sooo quickly. Allen actually told me when we were dating that if I was flying too high when he picked me that was a signal to try and get me back home before my mood crashed. And still the man married me. Isn't love great. Fortunately my mood swings have gentled somewhat -or at least lengthened. I still can cycle between up and down in a day, but I don't cycle between adrenalin highs and sobbing in the corner lows. Not normally anyway. Nevertheless I still experience a cyclical pattern of highs and lows. About a week and a half ago I entered a downward swing that pretty much continued unabated until Monday. That is not to say that I didn't have good days during that time. It's just that my default mood is lower than usual. Monday though I woke up, and it was literally as though someone had flipped a switch in my brain. Although I didn't get up any earlier that day, when I did get up I had a much more positive outlook on life and the tasks that needed doing that day. Same thing today. In fact, I was actually upright and coherent when Allen left for work. Just that can be quite a feat some days. In the past I've questioned whether what I've experienced has been some form of depression (sometimes I think that would be a definite yes), but waking up Monday morning and feeling that abrupt switch in my personality has made me wondering whether or not my rolling mood swings actually constitute some sort of depression in and of themselves. I don't have an answer, but I'm thinking it might be time to find some. Yes, I've been through a stressful cross-country move, and I'm struggling to fit into a culture and geography that's strange and slightly scary. I also know that before I had my last depressive episode I was doing better than I have since Allen and I got married. Chores where getting done. I was feeling good about myself. I was looking forward getting fully settled in here and pulling out some of my long neglected projects and hobbies. Then....it all fell apart. I did have some muscular distress in my shoulder that was making deep breathing/sneezing/yawning painful, but I don't know how much of that was correlation and how much was causation. For one thing three days after I went to a massage therapist the pain was gone, and the depression lasted maybe 5-6 days longer. Could be related. At any rate I can't think of any one thing that triggers these blue moods of mine. A common frustration/complaint with me is that as soon as I get things on track I get knocked back on my back again. Could this be one of depression's many faces? If so it would explain so much of my discouragement over not being able to keep to a schedule longer than a few weeks because what can start coming naturally when I'm in a good mood can seem like an impossible burden when I'm in one of my blue phases.

One reason why I haven't sought out professional guidance on this issue is that my moods never really get that bad. I certainly become lower functioning, but I never really get dysfunctional. Heck, during this last rough patch I even managed to keep making my smoothies. Considering that when I get depressed it takes a good deal of mental effort to do anything for myself I'd call that forward progress. Peanut butter on rice cakes and frozen fruit smoothies might not be a complete and varied diet, but it sure beats what I've eaten in the past when I get down. So like I said, my down times aren't, on any absolute scale, that bad. They're just bad enough, and they keep coming back. Towards the end of last week I found swing music helping me to get moving and face the day. Maybe it's matter of environment and learning to talk my way through it. Maybe I need to find me a decompression chamber -be it bike riding, pedicures, or taking my hammock off to the park with my last Agatha Christie find. Maybe it means hanging out on the sofa trusting that my bad days will pass. I don't know, and I think it's time I start finding out. So maybe one of my next steps should be finding a Christian counselor in the area who can help me sort through all of this. If anyone knows of such a counselor (preferably reformed) then please holler out. If not I've got a feeler or two I can put out.

....with the jolly roving tars

I've figured out what we're doing for our anniversary. For some reason I'm constitutionally unable to spend $400-500 on a weekend at a bed in breakfast, and considering the accommodations at the cheaper places I will only say that I enjoy waking up in a tent. However, by dint of much searching I discovered a national historic site right on the bay that has historic sailing adventures by day and sea shanty singing on the dock by night. So that's the plan -caltrain, ships, singing, pizza, and really old arcade games. Really the perfect Saturday I should say.

anniversary coming up -ideas?

Does anyone out there have any ideas for celebrating a 3rd anniversary? It's coming up fast (Aug 5th), and I'm fresh out of ideas. It's smack-dab in the middle of the week, so we'll probably end up doing something either the weekend before or after. Day of ideas would be nice too. Monterrey is out since we're planning to go there for my birthday. Napa Valley might be nice, but I need to check prices. We were thinking it might be fun to do something in the city (ie SF), but I'm drawing complete blanks. I guess it's back to trip advisor to try finding something fun.

Bigger than ourselves

Our new pastor out here said something last Sunday that I've been thinking about all week. He was referring to an author who was writing about how on the whole Americans aren't really that ambitious -or rather, how Americans tend to be rather narrow in our ambitions. By this author's estimation American ambition is mostly concerned with upward mobility ie parent's working hard to afford a good home and good schools so their kids can get good degrees and afford even better housing and schooling for their children and so on and so forth. Apparently the author views this as a rather narrow, self-concerned ambitions. What is really ambitious, to his mind, are those Christians who say "I'm going to devote myself to the reading and studying of God's Word, the Bible." According to our pastor this fellow isn't even a Christian, and yet he realizes that to devote yourself to God's Word is to devote yourself to something far bigger and more meaningful than just ourselves. I've been thinking about that all week. I've heard of so many people talking about wanting to be part of something bigger than themselves. I've thought it myself quite a bit, and yet I don't think any of them have actually said that picking up your Bible and reading some psalms or part of the Gospels would be, in that moment, throwing ourselves into something bigger than ourselves. At some level I think we all know it, and yet I think we get caught up in thinking that there are people (missionaries, pastors, leaders of great causes) who are definitely doing something great for the world and forget that perhaps there are much smaller ways to do great things. I'll admit I'm pretty remiss in my Bible reading, but maybe next time I start thinking that my life doesn't count for so very much or that there's nothing I can do I'll take a moment to open my Bible. It's a thought.

blender recommendations?

I'm thinking that I might have to get a new blender. I know I got one only about a month ago, but every day it sounds a little more tired. Any recommendations? I'm looking for something that will make frozen fruit smoothies 4-7 times a week and not burn out on me. Since it looks like these smoothies are going to be a regular part of my diet I'd be willing to get a more expensive model if it would do the job and last me a few years.

nice try mister walking directions

In my search for biking directions around town I have often checked Google out for general to and from information. What I have learned through this experience is to very carefully zoom Google maps all the way in (or nearly) and check for walkways, overpasses, trails, etc. For instance, in getting from my place to the other side of 280 (yes, they have a 280 out here) Google would send me through two large, busy intersections. Think 280 and 1-19. About that size. Instead, there are two pedestrian/bike overpasses that should allow me to avoid the main intersections (and especially avoid trying to turn through any of them) instead take a few peaceful little roads to my destination. I'll admit I first discovered one of these overpasses using Google maps. However, it was from zooming and searching for shortcuts instead of following any of their suggested routes. I think Google walking directions have a lot more to do with satellite view than anything they actually suggest.

bike for your salad

I'm realizing it's kind of neat living in a place where you can just hop on your bike and run out to pick up some mozzarella and salad for dinner. And while you're out maybe some orange juice too. My adrenaline still gets going when I pull out on the road will all those cars, but riding my bike to the grocery store seemed a little more like adventuring and a little less like running errands. Pretty cool I'd say.

sort of but not really

Seeing so many people around me having their first (or fourth) babies has gotten me thinking about things. In these past few weeks I've finally started to feel like I'm regaining some of the strength I enjoyed during high school and most of college (before senior year and family stress sapped almost everything I ever had). It feels really good to ride my bike to the library or work out until my arms and legs are all worked out and pleasantly achy. I know that if we were to have a child sometime soon it would be that much harder just to do those simple activities -not to mention taking road trips or trying my hand at backpacking along the coast. I've always felt that my life was far too messy for me to suddenly be responsible for a completely helpless human being. Now that things seem to be turning around for me I find that part of me simply wants to enjoy the changes. The other part of me says that kids are awesome and that I really want to take my kids out into the wide world. I want them to scramble up mountains and learn Latin and take things apart and understand that failing is infinitely better than never having the guts to try. But do I want it now? I'm not sure. I feel like I want to enjoy the (hopeful) returning of my strength, but as that strength returns I can't help wondering what I'm going to do with it. It's a curious question. Fortunately (unfortunately?) there's not so much I can do about it. Que sera, sera.

In the "I bought series"...

Her name is Betsy, and eventually she will have a rack and light for hauling mystery novels around at night. First,though, I will get her a green chain because Betsy is just bad like that :D

I bought a blender!

And now I have bananas, strawberries, and blueberries in the freezer waiting for breakfast tomorrow. Yummy. Since coming to California I have come to love these things. I will confess to having had two today in the course of my out and abouting :D Getting a blender seemed the only way to save my budget from utter ruination.

How to Speak of Animals

As the unpacking continues (somehow I think movers make almost as much work as they save), I've been refreshing my sanity by reading essays out of Umberto Eco's collection How to travel with a Salmon and other essays. I just came across one essay which I must quote because I think it's so completely brilliant on the way teachers and environmentalists have skewed our view of nature.

In this essay Umberto talks about how children's conceptions of animals have changed in the schools efforts to teach that whales, wolves, and elephants should be protected. He says:

No one says [animals] are entitled to survive even if, as a rule, they are savage and carnivorous. No, they are made respectable by becoming cuddly, comic, good-natured, benevolent, wise, and prudent...We must save the whales, not because they are good, but because they are a part of nature's inventory and they contribute to the ecological equilibrium. Instead, our children our raised with whales that talk, wolves that join the Third Order of St, Francis, and, above all, an endless array of teddy bears...To make them forget how bad human beings are, they [are] taught too insistently that bears are good. Instead of being told honestly what humans are and what bears are.

I'd never thought of it that way before, but I really thing Eco is on to something. That last line in particular is a zinger. After reading this though I'm really curious as to what Eco would say about Grimm's Fairy Tales, Mother Goose, and Beatrix Potter. Something to think about while I'm trying to get my closets organized.

almost there

Spent about 8hrs yesterday unpacking boxes and woke up today with the work ethic of an unusually apathetic slug. We're almost home though.

going away present

Allen and I gave ourselves a little going away present. We traded in Allen's old nintendo ds for a new nintendo dsi. I even got to pick out a couple games which I thought was pretty cool because it's not often I get to pick any games like this - especially for a game system. The coolest part [one of the coolest parts anyway] about this system is that you can get on the internet with it. I'm actually posting this from the dsi right now.

Speaking of going away presents. I'd take a gift of sleep any time now. Probably not much chance of that until we get out on the road and away from everyone else's schedule.

sleep like a camel

So moving the move date (well the, we're coming to pack up your stuff date) up 24hrs has effectually meant no sleep tonight. The funny thing is that I'm actually feeling pretty decent. I have to wonder if I don't have a little stored sleep somewhere left over from all those 12hr sleeping binges in the past couple of months. It's like I've got a few extra hours stored in some mental camel's hump or something :D Anyway, they arrive in about an hour and a half. There's still a few things that need to be straightened out, but what isn't done already I think we can do while the movers are packing us up and moving us out.

Here's to finding out with 48hrs's warning that your prep/packing time has been cut in half!

eye bolts?

So the relocation people e-mailed Allen asking him a bunch of questions about what he wanted in an apartment and such. To that end they asked what amenities we wanted/required in a rental property. My suggestion? Strategically placed eye bolts suitable for hanging a hammock. I'm only half kidding -those things are crazy comfortable. I wish I had a place to hang it long term.

That goodbye tint

Saturday is the big day and all around me everything is taking on a certain farewell tint. As I drive down the road past trees I've seen nearly every day these past two years I keep thinking to myself, another week and I won't be here. The Cahaba will still be winding underneath this bridge, but I will be pressing further into the unknown as we drive across the country. It's a hard and exciting feeling.

Just yesterday we sat down together with our congregation for the last time in a long while. The funny thing is that I kept thinking it didn't matter how far away I went because Red Mountain Church would always be here when we're ready to come home. I know it was just a feeling, but I like to think that maybe it's actually true.

In the midst of these goodbyes we've been trying to sort out our possessions. I keep finding a dozen small tasks popping up just when I'm ready to settle down and really get something done. It's rather exhausting in a way. It doesn't help that all the mental chatter in my brain makes it hard for me to settle down and get to sleep at night. Right now I think I'm running on guts and adrenalin -I don't really want to see what happens should those suddenly give way on me!

And so life continues. There's a lot I'm going to miss while we're in California. I'm going to miss the saturated green of summer, afternoon thunderstorms, and the wonderfully homey nature of living with 90% of our family within two hour's drive. I'm going to miss driving to the gulf and the Atlantic ocean and the smell of live oaks. I'm going to miss Easter and 4th of July down at the farm riding around on 4-wheelers and wading in the creek. But I must admit, I'm starting to look forward to all the adventures we're going to be having out in California.

California resolutions

I know that New Year's is the typical time to make resolutions, but I'm thinking that moving to a new state is a pretty good time to bust out some better habits. Plus, I'm going have a lot more time by myself since Allen will be working out of the house, and I won't be working (certainly not at first anyway) So here are my California Resolutions:

1. Cook more for myself.

Cereal is easy. So is peanut butter on a rice cake. The problem is that I don't think doing so many grains is really that great for me. So top on the resolution list is buying a blender and learning to make smoothies, hummus, and other raw, low carb foods for myself. Hopefully this will improve my energy levels and shake off that stress weight I've gained.

2. Take more ownership in my kitchen.

Are you sensing a theme here? Unfortunately, most days I view cooking as a chore. I'm also more of a casserole/huge pot of soup type cook than anything, but I'd like to learn more about cooking "special meals." So the idea is start small and see if I can't learn to enjoy the process. Also, Allen does waaaaay too many dishes. I need to get on the ball about that.

3. No actually I really need to get in shape.

I know this is on every resolution list, and everyone sort of nods and understands that a couple weeks at the gym is about all anyone gets out of this. However, Apple does have a gym where I believe Allen and I could work out together. I'm also thinking about making bikability a priority wherever we decide to live.

4. Make the effort to keep up with family.

I've set up the blog for family and some church folks to keep up with us. Now I just need to keep up with it.

5. Get plugged into our new church.

We've had a church recommended to us that we're pretty sure we'll end up attending. My goal is to really plug myself in there and see if I can't use my wife without kids status to serve the church. Much better than moping because I don't have kids and aren't terribly career minded.

6. Not. Get. Lazy.

This is the meta-resolution that encompasses pretty much everything I want to do out in Cali. That's why working on my diet is number one. It's sort of hard to push your boundaries when you can't roll out of bed in the morning.

To close a chapter

I know there are probably at least a few people who have been reading my blog long enough to know about my year from hell (back when I was going through miscarriages and such), and many of those who haven't been reading my blog that long will still understand what I mean. This has been something I've been thinking about putting up for awhile, and today just feels like the day to do it.

Most of the explanation is simply this -I was going through the worst depression I've ever known, and since there were plenty of times I literally couldn't think for myself I was relying on people who either through error or ignorance misled me. I know who hurt me the most through all this, and all I can say about that is Allen and I have decided that should the occasion come up again these persons aren't going to have the same access to this portion of our lives. These happen to be people we both love and respect, so nuf said. But looking back I can see where all sorts of people, quite early on, should have looked me in the face and given me some hard facts. I can think of a couple nurse-midwives specifically who, if they had taken the time to sit down with me early on, might have averted much of this mess. Instead they just sort of exchanged looks over my head so that when people finally did try to confront me I became confused and ended up falling back on the misguided advice I'd been receiving from other sources. For people who don't see how this could happen may I suggest that you haven't dealt with any sort of long-term depression? I certainly wasn't "lock myself in my room for three weeks" depressed, but I was dealing with some sort of ongoing depression that often completely sapped my mental abilities. There were days I woke up tired and went to bed tired not having done anything more productive than play solitaire for three hours straight. In that kind of atmosphere it is really, really hard to stand up and say "I think we really need to take are hard look at what's going on here, because something sure ain't right."

There was a second aspect in play during that time I really think needs to be addressed. We've all heard people talk about "having a peace" while making a decision or feeling "a burden on their heart" or any of those other phrases signifying that they have had an authoritative feeling on some subject (usually meaning they should either go ahead with something or stop.) I certainly don't want to denigrate that because I believe the Holy Spirit certainly can and does nudge and prompt us in certain ways. We've all heard about the person who canceled their tickets at the last moment and were therefore spared some catastrophe or another. Who can say that wasn't the Holy Spirit? On the other hand, when you combine this sort of "I have certainty because I feel a certain way" with evangelical/American individualism you can run into some serious problems. Coincidences, feelings, and even denials can all become authoritative signs of God that x really is so even when there is no place in the Bible that is specifically mandated to be so. This might sound crazy, but how many of us have heard of someone taking a specific flight, choosing a certain name, or buying a particular house because of something happened to where they said "I knew God wanted me to x." Ok. Did God say so in the Bible? If not you really are sort of just guessing. It might be are really great guess, and you might be making a really wise decision, but it doesn't mean that taking one flight is right and taking another flight would be wrong. In speaking on wisdom and decision making Tom spoke about the fences and the freedom we find in God. Where there are fences (a thou shalt or thou shalt not) we have God's clearly revealed will for our lives. In the areas where He hasn't spoken we have a lot of freedom -where to live, what car to drive, how to arrange our free time, etc. There are certainly better or worse decisions we can make in those areas, but by and large we can make those decisions without running into one of God's fences. However, having individualist evangelic tendencies means that we frequently try to establish certainty where there is none -often in our emotions. I feel x, but you feel y. Whose is more authoritative? Who felt it first? Who feels it the loudest? We see this most in evangelical culture when we hear or read people talking about the finding and knowing the perfect (secret) will of God for your life. Because the secret will of God for you is just that -secret- people tend to start investing feelings and coincidences with the authority of God in order to discern this secret will. Once you do that it becomes easier and easier to believe in God sending extra-normal experiences. Although in the Bible God made it unmistakeably clear (often in a fall down on your face thinking "Oh sh**, I about to be dead" sort of way) when He was breaking the normative pattern of events, I think we evangelicals can be too quick to believe that we can all have a Moses experience where we get sent off on our life's great mission and that furthermore we should seek out that sort of experience. But since there are no more burning bushes we have to settle for seeking authority in various feelings and events. When I heard Tom speak about all this I had a huge aha moment, and much of that very hard year suddenly fell into perspective.

Let me see if I can pull it together in a way that would make sense. If, in the back of your mind, you have this sort of secret will of God theology operating it makes sense that you would invest all sort of coincidences, words, feelings, etc with a measure of authority and certainty or even hold them up as "proof" that "x" really is true -forgetting that when God does break into the narrative like that it's completely unmistakable. Combine this sort of theology with a measure of depression that makes you pretty reliant on what other people are telling you (and heaven forbid these people be firmly entrenched in the discerning the "secret will of God"), and you end up with one hell of a mess. There were some other people who did try to help me and tell me the truth of the situation, but many of them seemed to a. view me as a charlatan, or b. didn't have a good groundwork themselves for addressing the root of the problem -namely my depression and my faulty understanding of normative experience and the will of God.

And so with all that I would like to close what has been a rather difficult chapter in my life. If you don't understand how this could happen then let me simply say that depression + bad theology + bad advice can get a girl into a major mess. It seemed appropriate to put this up here where I wrote so much trying to work through it all both during and after.

Excess baggage?

How in the world can two people accumulate so much stuff?!? I thought I'd been pretty good at periodically purging our wares of things we no longer need/use/have room for, but you should see all the bags and boxes I've been sending out the front door either for giving away or storage with family. There's nothing like a move across the country to clear out all those things you weren't sure about keeping!

A caricature nicely drawn

I've started reading Sinclair Lewis's Elmer Gantry, and I must say that I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I know it satirizes Christianity and the ministry, and that the Southern Baptist Convention probably had three fits when it came out, but for all that I'm finding it a very thoughtful read. Even though I haven't met any really sympathetic characters I have encountered quite a few scenes addressing calling, faith, wimps in the church, the seductions of power vis a vis the pulpit, Christian education, the challenges of the pastorate, atheism, etc. I certainly wouldn't say that in these first few chapters Lewis has painted the whole of Christianity, but the part he paints I'd say he paints quite fairly. All the things he caricatures are things that Christians, both individually and corporately/organizationally, wrestle with on a ongoing basis. I think one of the reasons Lewis's critique is so valuable is that the characters are (primarily) drawn from inside the church. For instance, Elmer Gantry isn't a profane fellow who decides that being a used car salesman is too much work and turns to selling salvation instead. Rather, imagine a young man growing up whose mind is completely formed by life in the church. Aside from a few college songs his entire imagination is formed by Sunday morning worship -the marching rhythm of its hymns, the rolling thunder of the preacher's voice expounding on the juicier bits of the Bible, the stained glass giving forth gaudily behind the choir, and all the various kings of the Old Testament adorned with gold, silver, crimson, and purple. Imagine a young man growing up with a mind shaped to the liturgy who nevertheless knew nothing of grace and doctrine and who (together with a friend) assuaged his hours of boredom with drunkenness and easy affection. That is Elmer Gantry at the point before he "converts" and is persuaded to attend seminary. To a large degree that is still Elmer Gantry when he sits before the crowd of parishioners to be ordained. Where he goes from there it's rather easy to guess.

We're marching onward to Zion...

Well, we decided not to hit Yellowstone after all. First we decided it really would be a bit cold for us to find it enjoyable and then we ended up changing our plans so we could attend a family reunion to be held a two days after we'd originally planned on leaving. It's going to be really great though, because it's going to be perfect weather for visiting all those national parks out West between Colorado Springs and the Grand Canyon.

Why didn't anyone tell me they closed the roads???

Being the simple Alabama girl that I am, it didn't occur to me that May would be the August Bank Holiday of the wild and woolies. Seriously. Hardly anything is open in May. All the winter activities have closed down, but very few of the spring activities have started. Maybe I should replan our trips? On one hand five nights in Yellowstone followed by a couple in Teton while folks are far away waiting for the summer rafting and horsepacking seasons to open seems like the ideal way to get up close to some really amazing scenery. On the other hand, that might mean getting close and personal with freezing or below temperatures and muddy trails. Hmmmm, what to do...Make an abbreviated trip? Bypass these parks entirely? Drive through Colorado and leave Wyoming for a more auspicious season? I have a friend who knows a lot about these sorts of things. Maybe I'll ask him. Of I could call my dad. They went there a year or two ago I think.

Any advice from my readers?

I really appreciate all the comments and encouragement I've been getting from all of you lately. This has not been an easy thing for me to contemplate doing. I'd like a bit of advice on something though. Everything so far has seemed to be pointing us to an earlier leave date -something like the last Wednesday of this month. Of course considering that I've only been thinking about moving to Cali for the past week and a half this seems entirely too fast, but from a purely practical perspective we could do it. So on one hand this all seems entirely too fast; I'll miss a young friend's dance recital; I'll miss a church party that has been anticipated, postponed, and on the calendar for over a month now, and I do feel rather as though I've been pulled up rudely by my roots. Would staying around longer is a hotel or someone's spare bedroom give me more closure?

On the other hand: our lease runs out this month, we really do want to take a tour of the West on our way out (although this could be trimmed down), Allen's new manager at Apple wants him out there sooner rather than later, and in the end would moving all our things around and living out of a suitcase for the last week and a half before heading out on the road really be less stressful than simply heading out on the road? (Tom, if you're reading this -the young'uns could use some advice -you've moved about quite a bit. How does one handle it?) Oh yes, one final bit of thinking. If we moved out earlier rather than later we'd be able to use Memorial Day as a free traveling day to go poking around a bit in Cali. We're trying to maximize Allen's vacation time so we'll be able to stay to fly back home and reconnect with family without using up all his vacation days so that Allen and I don't get any time off just to ourselves.

Thoughts? Support? Sympathetic sounding noises?

Faces towards the west

Well that's what it feels like. Apple called yesterday talking about salaries, start dates, and relocations. Allen and I have roughed out our 4,500 mile road trip to get us from Alabama to Silicon Valley while taking in a few sights along the way. Tentative leaving date -way too soon. We're looking at about three weeks here, which to my mind kind of stinks because that will mean missing the bake sale and hoedown that our church has coming up a month from now. I had been looking forward to this party for at least a month, but with our apartment lease running out at the end of this month there's really no good way to stay in town for another week and a half (that we can think of). Once upon a time we could have stayed with Grandmom and Granddad, but they haven't been doing the best lately and Allen agrees that would be much too large an imposition. On the positive side though our itinerary includes Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Zion, and the Grand Canyon (north rim). We've got two weeks and Apple will even cover some of our expenses (ie gas). So now I just have to figure out what to take, what to store, what to give away, and what to pack for our road trip. Allen isn't quite so sure about this whole road trip thing (what will we look like at the end I wonder?) but agrees that it's a wonderful opportunity to see a lot of places we've never seen before and revisit a few I enjoyed seeing with my family. So long as we keep a sense of humor about things and don't let ourselves get too rushed I think we'll be ok. Considering that our itinerary includes several days marked out for simply wandering around, I don't think we'll get too frazzled. We won't be able to visit the Rocky Mountains, but I also discovered that Mt Whitney is within a three-day or weekend trip's reach from where we'll be living.

All the same I'm not thrilled about moving so very far away from everyone and everything I love. I wish there was a wormhole somewhere a couple hours east of town that would put us out somewhere in the Sierra Mountains. It'd make it much easier getting to and from Mamaw's that's for sure. Unfortunately no such thing exists, and as is I really don't look forward to saying goodbye to all these wonderful folks.

I can be bribed.........with camping!

So I've been doing a little doing and checking on this whole California thing. Looks like there's Big Sur about two hours south of SV; we'll have a national seashore about an hour and a half north of us, and Yosemite is about three hours east. Looks like there are compensations for moving all the way across the continent. I must admit there's something attractive about living close enough to a place like Yosemite to enjoy it through the changing seasons. We'll have this spring and summer to get acquainted with it's various peaks and valleys. Then in the winter Allen and I can head back up there and play in the snow! I'm already planning to go try some cross-country skiing once the snows again. It's not Alabama, but even I can see the attraction of being able to spend one weekend hiking along some of America's most spectacular coastlines and then being able to spend the next weekend way high up in the mountains looking for waterfalls.

Hmmmm, now if we could just get some family to come out and play with us something that would be just about perfect.

This before that

Lol, so apparently nothing can really happen until they do a background check and determine that Allen really is basically a clean-cut twenty-something year old with rather good credit (does one have good credit when one has never borrowed money?). With everything happening so fast it's good to know that I'm going to have about a week to start figuring things out before the hiring manager and the recruiter are both asking Allen when he can start and how soon they can come pack up our stuff.

Part of me is still a bit anxious since Allen won't be receiving a formal offer until after the background check, (many's the slip betwixt cup and lip, etc) but really I can't see what there is to prevent it happening. I'm excited for Allen, but mostly at this point I'm simply tired from the speed at which my head has been spinning for the past few days/hours.

Apple called

They want to offer Allen the job. I'm feeling shell shocked right now. My mind is spinning with all things I need to consider -packing, visiting family, sorting through our possessions. Allen has to come up with figures and times for salary and moving. I need to come up with a sort of itinerary for driving out there in a few weeks. I'm literally shaking right now.

Back from the left coast

Things have definitely been moving fast around here. Wednesday Allen got a call that we had tickets, hotel reservations, and a rental car waiting for us if we could be on a 7:30 flight the next morning. One mad round of cleaning and packing later, we were all set. The flight over was uneventful. The most annoying part of it was Allen and I getting middle seats one behind the other for the second leg of our flight. I ended up sitting bodkin between two men. I'm grateful they were both rather clean cut and inclined to ignore me as opposed to some the other, more scruffy, specimens I saw scattered throughout the cabin. After we'd landed and gotten our rental car we headed out towards the Santa Cruz mountains and the Pacific Ocean. I'll admit my first glimpse of that great ocean was something less than awe inspiring -the ocean being tamed by both the bay area around Santa Cruz and the wharf coming out from the boardwalk. Heading north along California 1 though.....it's completely different than anything I've seen on the East Coast. The waves and general shape of the coastline are about what you'd see up along the coast of Maine, but the mountains are definitely western. Unfortunately we were trying to cover a bit of distance in a short amount of time, and we only took a tiny handful of pictures. We did stop one place with some trees growing right along the bluff edges and sling up Allen's new hammock for a few minutes to enjoy the view. Along the way up the coast we saw a lot of kite and wind surfers, and in Pacifica we even saw a Taco Bell right on the water. It looked like a beach shack where you'd get snow cones and overpriced hot dogs down around Panama City beach. As always the food was cheap, but for a view like that I'd eat 79 cent burritos most every day. Once we'd gotten up past Pacifica we turned inwards towards San Francisco and the bay. We made it there just in time to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge while the remnants of a sunset lingered among the clouds. I'd hopes to get there in time to walk about a bit, but since we hadn't we contented ourselves with driving up and down the hills of San Francisco -including a twisty jaunt down Lombard. By that point we were both plenty tired and decided to head back to Cupertino and check into our hotel.

The next day we roamed around the area trying to get a feel for the place and where we might want to live should Allen get the job. After lunch, I dropped Allen off for five hours of interviews and heading up to Ikea in Palo Alto. Didn't buy anything but got a few ideas for how to squeeze us into a smaller apartment. As anywhere, space equally money, but in Cupertino it can equal rather a bit of money. Once I'd finally figured out how to exit the store (Ikea can be rather confusing at times) I decided to go exploring some more and cut across to the coast again only to turn off after a while to head back into the mountains and get a look at some of the mountain towns. Some people commute into town from them, and I was wondering if it'd possibly be worth it. I will add that Allen asked them to get us a car with gps. I've never used one before, and I loved it. Except for a couple of times in San Francisco it never steered us wrong. I was wandering along all kinds of tiny little twisty mountain roads, and I never got lost. I did almost run out of gas, but I didn't get lost :D

That evening Allen and I headed back up into San Francisco to have dinner with a friend of his and subsequently got a lesson in what traffic would be like for Allen if we tried living up towards the bay area. From thence our time mainly consisted of packing up, getting to the airport, and hoping we'd get seats together. We did, and the journey home was spectacularly uneventful.

Allen feels quite good about the whole process. We both feel rather good about California. I don't feel compelled to move there, but then again I don't see anything much the matter with it (except for perhaps the cost of housing). Once I found out that if Allen got the job we'd get ample time to come home and visit folks for Christmas and whatnot I felt rather better about the whole thing. Our pastor has told up about a church up there. We might even be able to rent a house for the cost of an apartment, and I've been rather wanting to live in an actual house again. The coast is beautiful, and as I mentioned it appears that with careful husbanding of our vacation time we'd be able to visit family and even have time to do a little exploring ourselves. I still feel rather ambivalent about leaving Alabama, but I do hope that Allen gets this job. Lord willing I'm hoping we'll know something in the next couple days.

When will it stop?

It seems like every time I see a picture of my sibling, come across their tracks on facebook, accidentally run into them it's like ripping off a bandage. Sometimes I wonder when it will ever stop hurting. What with us maybe moving to Cali it's all been in the back of my mind. Even if my folks don't talk to me at least I'm close to them. If they would just pick up the phone I could be there in under half an hour. Thinking about moving though -I don't know if I'd even get to see them before we left. I wonder. Would anyone even tell me if Dad or Granny got sick? Would I get a chance to see them? You'd think it'd be easy to move away from a family that won't speak to you. It's not.

California Dreamin'

Well apparently Allen has made it past two of the door keepers and will be heading off to beard the dragon in his lair sometime in the next two weeks. Translated: they're flying both Allen and me out to Cali including car rental and two nights stay. I'm pretty excited about it because it means that no matter what happens with that interview I get to see the Pacific Ocean! It's been on my to do list, and I had no idea when I'd ever get the chance. Looks like I'm getting it now.

Seriously though, as much as I would hate leaving my church, family, friends, the South -I really hope Allen gets this job. It's really time someone started paying him what he's worth. The guys he works with now are really wonderful guys who I would love to see him work with again in the future, but right now I want to see Allen have the satisfaction of earning what he's worth. So while I don't really feel so much better about being all the way across the country, I'm really excited about this opportunity.



Also, I'm really, really addicted to the word "really." Really!

adventures?

So everyone once in a while it seems like the world is about to go all topsy turvy on me. It's been a close to a year though, and really moving to Boston area didn't sound all that bad as far as ripping yourself up by roots and heading up into yankee territory goes. I could see advantages to it. Well, apparently it's that time of year again. By all accounts it would be quite the career coup if Allen swung this job. By his estimation there are about 3-4 equally or better qualified than him -all he believes to be happily employed. So it would appear that Allen has a pretty good shot at it. It would mean promotion, a HUGE salary increase, a very sweet entry on his resume, an opportunity to work with something he's helped develop over that past half dozen years, and (the biggie) a move to Silicon Valley.

Wifey dearest is mildly freaking out. Which is to say I'm exhausted just thinking about it. There is this huge part of me that really hopes Allen gets this job and makes good in a huge way. For one thing we could use a few more pennies in our piggy bank, but I would really love to see Allen come into his own as a respected figure in his field. If that means moving to California I'm all for it. (That was the proud, loyal wife speaking.) There is this other part of me that is absolutely screaming, fists pounding on the floor, at the thought of moving to California. Visit? Yes. Move? No. I actually like Alabama thank you very much. Granny and Mamaw and Grandmom and Granddad all live here. Not to mention siblings, parents, cousins, etc. Did I mention my church? I'd have to leave my church. And I'd end up in California. There's a part of me that's ready for something to happen -for us to really grow into our married lives and for Allen to grow into his career. I just never thought that would involve us moving to California. Never. Nope. (Ok, being a programmer's wife I knew Silicon Valley might loom in my future, but most of the geeks I know are perfectly able to get along without it.) Erg.

Anyway, this is all tentative, speculative, don't know what is actually going to happen, etc. But I'm still sort of freaking out. And my natural response to such freakoutery is to want to curl up in bed and sleep until there's an actual decision to be made. Not exactly an awesome thing to do.

(See when I say I like adventures it's more the "choose your own" type. I don't do so well being airlifted into them."

things that hurt

I'm just going to put it out there. It's hard to see people taking for granted things I never had -especially relationships. We recently found out that one of Allen's cousins eloped a year ago. No one knew anything about until a week or so ago. They flew in for Christmas at her parent's house and nobody realized they were actually married. (And just in case you're thinking it, no one thought they were living together either. This isn't cart before the horse.) Anyway, we all just found out that they've been married nearly a year, and NOW they're planning a wedding. I honestly don't get this. Her dad says he wants to give her away. What? Didn't that train leave the station long ago?

What really makes this so hard for me to see is that she gets to elope without telling her parents, not tell them for nearly a year, and still have her big family wedding. On the other hand, I really did try to do everything I could to placate my parents, but in the end I either had to walk away or be smothered into virtual nonexistence. I chose to leave. That meant my dad telling me he would not being giving me away (because by reaching out for my own, separate existence I had in my father's eyes nullified his authority) and my whole family in general having nothing to do with the wedding. They did come, but even then they tried to get away without speaking to us. Our cousin, on the other hand, voluntarily left her family out of her plans, and then gets everything I desperately wanted. It's hard. There have been times in the past few days when I've really wanted to lash into her -to point out how absolutely inconsiderate I think she's acted and loudly protest the unfairness of it all. But I can't. It's not her fault that my family acted the way they did. I'm a Christian for crying out loud. It shouldn't be in me to complain about someone else receiving an extra ounce of temporal grace and mercy when I myself have received so much. And yet it still hurts. However usual Allen and I may find weddings that take place after first anniversaries, the truth is that it just hurts to see her able to have her big family wedding after all of this. A reception to publicly announce their daughter's marriage? Sure. A wedding? Ouch. And I know that part of this whole wedding thing is for the parents and grandparents who have long looked forward to her wedding. I understand that. Of course it doesn't make me feel so much better because my parents rather easily dispensed with that side of things. Anyway, like I said it's not her fault I'm having this emotional reaction to everything.



Reading through this again I think a few caveats are in order. First, I don't have anything against elopements. If you want to be together and don't want to wait until everyone can dress up and traipse down the aisle with you then please go ahead and get married. Just tell someone afterwards. It doesn't seem quite kosher to me to, post elopement, come hang out with the family over six months later disporting yourselves as a dating couple. Second, maybe I have an odd view of sacraments (and related such things), but I honestly don't see a whole lot of point in going through the vows a second time. But then again I also don't see the point in getting baptized again because the first one "didn't take." Of course it took -you just weren't faithful to your covenant obligations. Thirdly, I realize that my opinions about all such things have absolutely no bearing on what her family should or should not do. There's no law in heaven or on earth against any of this. If I have a problem with any of this it's just that -my problem. All that aside, her husband seems pretty cool, and I hope they will be very happy together.

thoughts on sacraments

In the car this evening Allen and I ended up talking about people's approach (namely in our church) the the sacraments -specifically communion. We tend to lean rather towards the paedo end of things ourselves. For those who aren't familiar with the debate going on in some circles, there are people of the baby baptizing persuasion who believe that all baptized children capable of eating and drinking should be permitted/encouraged/brought forward to take communion barring extraordinary behavior on the child's part (such as the sort which would bar any other Christian from the Table). The way I understand it, the argument goes thusly:

1. Infant baptism recognizes/affirms that "the promise is to you and to your children" and that simply being born to believing parents puts a child in a particular covenantal relationship with God. In this way baptism is analogous to circumcision. Like the Jewish born child born under the old covenant, a baptized infant born to believing parents today is born into certain obligations towards God -namely to love God and keep His commandments.

2. God ordained the Lord's Table for the benefit of those in His family -those people in covenantal relationship with Him.

3. Since we believe baptized infants are in a real sense part of God's family and under covanental obligations we shouldn't bar them from receiving this very real means of grace.


All that to say that Allen and I tend towards the "bring 'em young" approach. If they can articulate a basic love of God and understanding of salvation I really don't see the problem letting take communion. What I do see a problem with is people who don't teach their kids (or their congregations) that communion is something we need to be anticipating. In the Table we encounter God's grace in a tangible way and receive strength to in the petty glories of life on earth. Whether you think your kid should come to the table at 3 or 12, letting them remain apathetic about communion doesn't seem like a good option. And of course I say this having (for an evangelical) a pretty high view of communion. I honestly don't understand churches who don't have weekly communion. I've heard the arguments for infrequent communion, and I don't buy them. I must admit that one of the silliest arguments I've heard is that it will make visiting non-believers feel excluded. Seriously, what do you say to that? The Gospel is an invitation -a command even- to put away our sinful, rebellious ways and come to Christ. You who are not sons and daughters may now become children of God. You who stand outside the doors hungry and naked may come to be clothed and fed. That's not exclusive, but communion is?

Anyway, all that to say I'm really glad I go to a church that values communion so highly and invites us week after week to meet Christ where He presides over the table He has laid for His children, and every week I love watching a certain little girl dancing in the aisle as she waits to dip her bit of bread in the wine cup. The eagerness in her upturned face confronts my jadedness and reminds me what it means to approach God with the joyous expectation of a child.

Speaking of hair....

I cut mine today. By which I don't mean that I plunked down cash at some salon or ever convinced a friend cut it for me. I mean I cut it. Myself. Mostly myself anyway. I asked Allen to check the back to make sure it was even. Other than that I just spent an unearthly amount of time combing and snipping until I got something that looked about right. Overall I ended up taking off about 2-3 inches, but since my hair was approaching hip length anyway I wasn't too worried about snipping it all too short trying to get things even. At any rate I figured I couldn't do worse than my last hair cut which I ended up recutting a couple of days after visiting the salon. Plus, this way I can spend my mad money on something I want (and can't make myself).

Salmon with Cheesy Grits

Since Allen can't eat fish I've started making this for my lunch a couple times a week. It might sound a little odd, but it's really very, very good.

Ingredients:

1 Salmon burger (I found mine at Whole Foods)
large pinch each cumin, garlic salt, and onion powder
dash cayenne
1-2 tbs grape seed oil

1/2c grits
1 1/2c water
salt
pepper
sharp cheddar cheese (handful grated)
2tbs butter

Method:

Mix seasoning together with grape seed oil and saute salmon on med/low heat until done. While the burger is cooking bring the water to a boil and add the grits along with a pinch of salt and good grinding of pepper. Once the grits have started to thicken stir in cheese and butter. Adjust seasonings as necessary. After reaching the desired consistency, pour the grits into a bowl, lay the salmon on top, lick the spoon you used to stir the grits, and enjoy.

what not to grow

Just saw a picture of our pastor "back in the day" sporting a goatee, it reminded me how much I like Allen's beard. (A few years about when he came back after having grown out his beard I promptly told him he wasn't allowed to shave. Dear thing that he is he hasn't.) I have to say that for most guys the goatee just isn't a good look. Brian Murphy gets away with it best of anyone I can recall. Must be his ninja barber.

laundry list of jazz moves

The instructor said she'd e-mail me a list of all the jazz moves she covered in her class, but I thought I would go ahead and post all the names I can remember. If any of you out there know of good links or videos for these moves I'd appreciate it.

1. Charleston
2. C with cross body kick
3. Scarecrow
4. Itch
5. Eggbeater
6. Eggbeater with turn (I think this might be a break?)
7. Eagle something or another
8. Spank the Baby
9. Boogie forward
10. Boogie back
11. Drunken sailor
12. Mess around
13. Suzy Q
14. Pivot turn
15. Down low
16. Gaze afar
17. Swim
18. Gypsy Jumps
19. Hallejulah rocks
20. Shorty George
21. Ankle bends
22. Jazz square
23. Clap it out (1,2,3,hold,4)
24. Shouts
25. Mambo kicks
26. Knee slaps
27. Shimmy
28. Stomps? (maintaining weight on left foot stomp right foot forward and drag back)
29. Cake Walk
30. Apple jacks
31. Break a leg
32. London Bridge

That's about all I can think of right now.

veni vici lindy

Allen and I just got back from Cumberland Shuffle in Nashville -tired, sore, and happy. I'm particularly glad we went because they put a lot of emphasis on solo Charleston/Jazz and creativity which is wonderful because I think all those moves (and their endless variations) are really going to broaden my range of possibilities both as a follow and a solo dancer. I also really appreciated how the teachers pushed the limits of how fast we could dance. I know that in general Allen and I have been pretty slow dancers as far as lindy goes, but I'd say we've up our range of danceable music pretty significantly. And we got to learn aerials! So much fun.

The weekend was good in other ways as well. A conversation I had this weekend sort of made me rethink my dedication to the general. I'm a dabbler. I know it well. I'm never going to be the finest knitter, seamstress, cook, or dancer. I'll never be the most well read or informed. My political involvement will likely be as sporadic as my principles are firm, and I really, really doubt I'll ever hike one of the seven peaks of complete a through hike, but I still expect to see some pretty neat things before I die. Coming out of a workshop like this one it's easy to want to throw my energies into dance....for the next month before I decide that I really want to go sea kayaking or whatever it is. With that in mind I've sort of realized two things: 1. that Allen isn't as into lindy (and dance in general) as I am and 2. that it's ok for me to go places and dance while Allen is reading his book or working on his laptop. With that in mind I think I'm going to try and work on my dance some more these next few months just using what we have available around town. I'm still firmly committed to being a dilettante, but it would be nice if I could attain a higher level of dancing. We'll see what happens.

Toes in the mud

Last weekend down at the farm I got to help with my first controlled burn, and I must say I'm pretty good at setting fires. I thought it rather novel experience to be standing by the side of the road starting fires while being watched by a passel of neighborhood dogs in varying stages of curiosity. One of them, a cute little gray and brown brindled pup, kept following us around. I had been calling him to get away from the fires, and he just tagged along when Allen and I headed into the field towards his dad and brothers where they were burning a back line. It was like something out of Mordor seeing the blackened smokey ground with it's little wisps of flame flickering as they slowly licked their way up towards the hill. Of course once we got there the men folk started teasing me about being out there in "flip-flops." (actually tevas) I didn't mind though. Allen and I stayed out there for several more hours with pine branches in our hands to beat out the back line of the fire as we burned our way towards the creek. Once we got towards the creek though it became pretty obvious that we weren't going to get much more burning done until things dried out a bit more. There was a couple of places where I sank up to my ankles in mud and ash, but there the vegetation had been thick enough to keep the fire moving. Closer to the creek it became too sparse and damp in patches to even keep it going. Tired and muddy though I was there have been fewer more peaceful times than I had sitting by the creek talking to one of my brothers (in-law), resting my eyes on the green pasture across, and watching the remaining flames flicker even more brightly as dusk rose up around us. Afterwards the four of us traipsed back through the mud, across the silent, black fields punctuated by great gnarled trees and standing groves -back to our cars and back to Mamaw's bright kitchen.

reasons not to answer the phone when tired:

A couple of our regular follows are out of town this coming weekend, so our dance instructor had to tag the old married woman to help out with class. He finally called this evening to see when I could practice with him. I'm so glad Allen answered the phone because the first thing that came into my head was "no you can't have my body right now, I'm too tired," and as tired as I feel right now I just might have said it. To the great embarrassment of all. The moral of the story is -if you call me when I'm tired YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Seriously, it's been a loooooong stressful week. A hormonal, sleep cycle off, found an awesome apartment only to realize our lease is up next month (stupid 13 month lease), had a bad dream this morning. woke up with a headache, and I watched one of my parakeets die, all around not so fun bad week.

I think I'm going to go to a clinic and get needles stuck in me. My friend recommended a wellness care clinic that seems to be herbal granola girl friendly. I guess we'll see.

warming? swarming? let's just say I like dirt.

It's sort of disheartening reading about these various environmental groups. A lot of them seem very into social programs, government incentives, and at times a distrust of free-markets/private property. As you may guess I'm very into the latter and not so much into the former. Now I actually think that a strong view of private property can help environmental causes and that free-markets can provide some effectual checks to corporate excesses. For instance, if I own a piece of land who's waterways running through it are negatively impacted by strip-mining (or manufacturing) upstream, a strong view of private property says "Your practices are impinging my property rights. Quit it." In the same manner I think that for changes to be durable they need to competitive in the marketplace. (Understandably, in today's markets government subsidies artificially skew prices. In the US, right now, we aren't dealing with free market conditions.) If electricity plants stop burning cheap, dirty coal and change to some more expensive way of producing electricity....well they won't unless you make them. BUT! If you can find a cheaper, more efficient way of producing electricity you won't have to make anyone switch over. They'll all be chomping at the bit, and the change will be long-lasting. Plus you won't have to deal with increased commodity prices due to increased production costs or the corresponding lessening of consumer buying power as a result of a. regulation, b. subsidization, or c. both. Of course at this point we could go into this whole thing about how government actions are effectively inhibiting companies and investors from having the incentives or opportunities to do this as rapidly as they could, but that's for another rant. Sufficing to say that it's a snarl.

To go back to what I said about government incentives, there's a sense in which I understand that this is the government with which we're dealing. Incentives are a fact of life. Use them. Haggle for them. Deal. Go ahead and point out that government subsidies go to bloated corporations, hurt farmers, contribute to national obesity, or whatever it is they do, but don't forget that subsidies are bad business no matter who gets them. It's not like Jones Valley Urban Farms getting subsidies = good and Conagra getting subsidies = bad. They still skew the marketplace and take money out of potential investor's (and consumer's) hands. So yes, we have to deal with government incentives and subsidies, but don't expect me to get all happy clappy when I hear that Congress has passed a bill to subsidize organic peanuts in Mississippi. As for my thoughts on social programs see the above. I love them when people come together and buy a plot of ground together to create a neighborhood garden. I don't love it when the government comes in and starts doing what people ought to be doing with their own two hands. The government is big enough thank you. It can darn well keep its mits off my locally grown arugula.

Having said all that, I'm generally in favor of smaller landfills, cleaner air and water, healthier soil, fewer endangered species, and fair trade coffee. I'm just think I'm in it for different reasons. As such, I don't feel comfortable calling myself an environmentalist. Allen has suggested "conservationist." I wonder if maybe I'm not something like an environmental humanist -by which I mean someone who's environmental concerns and goals are driven by human needs rather than any particular regard for the earth as a thing apart. To further illustrate, I like clean air because I breathe air. I'm in favor of fewer and smaller landfills because they are unsightly and smelly things to have in one's backyard. Healthy soil grows nutritious plants that keep me living longer and feeling better. Good environmental practices are often good for people, and I don't think that should be accidental. I think it's all part of dominion, stewardship, and making this earth into a beautiful garden to welcome Christ's return. To that end I hope to see urban gardens, backyard swings, vast sweeps of virgin timber, and steel high rises all intermingled to the glory of God and the service of His people.