June 29, 2009

sort of but not really

Seeing so many people around me having their first (or fourth) babies has gotten me thinking about things. In these past few weeks I've finally started to feel like I'm regaining some of the strength I enjoyed during high school and most of college (before senior year and family stress sapped almost everything I ever had). It feels really good to ride my bike to the library or work out until my arms and legs are all worked out and pleasantly achy. I know that if we were to have a child sometime soon it would be that much harder just to do those simple activities -not to mention taking road trips or trying my hand at backpacking along the coast. I've always felt that my life was far too messy for me to suddenly be responsible for a completely helpless human being. Now that things seem to be turning around for me I find that part of me simply wants to enjoy the changes. The other part of me says that kids are awesome and that I really want to take my kids out into the wide world. I want them to scramble up mountains and learn Latin and take things apart and understand that failing is infinitely better than never having the guts to try. But do I want it now? I'm not sure. I feel like I want to enjoy the (hopeful) returning of my strength, but as that strength returns I can't help wondering what I'm going to do with it. It's a curious question. Fortunately (unfortunately?) there's not so much I can do about it. Que sera, sera.

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