reviving the grad school dream

I finally found the program. New Saint Andrew's College has a new masters program for educators in classical schools with low tuition and low residency requirements. It's lovely. Allen has already said that we can talk about how to make it work out for me to go. It's not going to be this year. I'd have to retake the gre and get just slews of paperwork together, but we're definitely looking at figuring out a way for me to apply. At three weeks a year residency requirement it's even something I could potential do with kids, so I reckon I can afford to wait a little. Until then though I can save my pennies and work on getting my credentials together. Either way I'm really excited about the opportunities here. I'm finally getting to do something important that I've wanted to do for years. It's where I want to be. Speaking of which I have a presentation on Rousseau to write.

a rant in miniature

Not voting or voting for a third party does not mean that you sold out, don't care, are a blinking ideologue, or otherwise don't deserve to be recognized as a part of the political power structure. For a lot of America not voting means expressing a no confidence vote in the candidates and the political structure. This isn't apathy. It's reality. Until the right-wing Christians realize that the Republican Party is bleeding them for their shiny happy family values and their shiny American dollars without wanting any actually part of the Sovereign Christ who established our moral foundation we're going to be in trouble. Until the bright-eyed left wing Christians realize that Democrats just want to pluck their tender heart strings and weave a soothing song of compassion into wide scale theft we're going to be in trouble. Instead of waving slogans and banners around a Washington alive to the lust of power and dead the ways of God I vote we give them a finger waggling, thumbs in the ears, "neener-neener" salute and go back to trying to be good Christians. I'd say this nation has had too much political wrangling and not enough disciplining. Votes haven't changed very much of anything for the better in my short lifetime. I think we'd all be better off doing more praying. I'm better at blogging than praying, but I'm going to give it a shot. Good night this nation is insane! The loonies are running the nuthouse, and I think somewhere along the way we gave them the keys.

Fear and Fatherhood

I've been reading an interesting book lately. It's called Holy Curiosity: Encountering Jesus' Provocative Questions and is written by Winn Collier. I picked up off a five dollar table at one of those bookstores that tend to pop up overnight in the mall during Christmas season and consists of a dozen tables with books basically poured out on them. Anyway, I picked up this book, and it's proved rather fascinating. Basically the author looks at the questions that Jesus asked his disciples (and others) during His ministry on earth and asks "Why?" What purpose could God have in asking this question and not the dozen other questions that we would have asked? What can learn from answering these questions ourselves? Why did Jesus ask this particular question at this particular time to this particular group of people? The answers that Collier comes up with are both challenging and encouraging. One chapter in particular caught my attention. In his third chapter titled "Why are you afraid? The grace of letting go," Collier looks at Jesus' question to the disciples when caught in the storm on the Sea of Galilee. On this chapter Collier has a lot of good things to say about fear and the way it works with our lives and our faith, but I was particularly struck by two things. One, Jesus was afraid (ie in the Garden of Gethsemane and again on the cross when God turned His face away). Two, often times our more superficial fears (say of monsters under the bed) are actually manifestations of our loneliness and our fear that we really do have to face the "brutality of life" by ourselves. Collier illustrates this by looking to his own discussions of bedtime monsters with his son. Collier writes:

Wyatt fears he will be left to himself to fend off the menace his imagination conjures up for him...Wyatt wants to know that, as he says it, "If I really need something, you'll come up." So, even as I tell Wyatt that there are no monsters, I want to be quicker to tell him what he needs most to hear--that his safety is not in his own hands, that if any scary creatures are foolish enough to enter my son's room, his dad will be there, hell-on-wheels, faster than he can blink, to dish out a grade-A monster butt whoopin'

Collier goes on to explain to his son how he will be there like greased lightning to pummel any monster his son sees. The reason, he tells his son, not to be afraid of monsters is not because they don't exist but because his "daddy is stronger than any monster there is."

I know that's a fairly extended quote, but I latched on to it because just last week talking to my counselor he observed that there must be times when I feel very lonely. I realized that he's right. I've spent the better part of my life not fitting in and not measuring up, and it's been lonely. On top of that I've been scared. I never really saw how the two might fit together though until I started reading this chapter. Because if you'll look at what Collier says elsewhere in this chapter he's essentially saying that to be alone is to be afraid because that means there's no one outside up to help us face up the brutal realities of life. Loneliness says that it's all up to us--there's no one I can rely on except for myself. And I don't know about the rest of the world, but I'm pretty well aware that one very determined cat could wreck some serious havoc on my rear. That's not to mention germs, cars, muggers, earthquakes, loose gravel, stray bullets, political unrest and all the other bogeymen of my imagination. Of course at this point Collier goes on to talk about our need for God, but honestly one of the things that caught me most was his portrayal of fatherhood. Growing up I always had the impression that Dad would throw himself between any of us and an oncoming car cheerfully with no hesitation. What I also learned growing up was that Dad wasn't going to stand between me and the real monsters that scarred my life. The few times I went to him saying "Dad it hurts when Mom teases me about this, can you help me" I came away discouraged and undefended. It was up to me to take the abuse, alone. I had no champion at all until Allen came along and finally asked what the hell was going on. He was the first person who attempted to fight the monsters under my bed.

I find all this immensely interesting because the way I look at my dad is (big surprise) similar to the way I look at God. If Dad wasn't big enough/loving enough to fight for me then I don't see why God would be either. And so the monsters, not seeing anyone around with proper butt kicking gear, keep trying to multiply. I keep trying to push forward into my fears instead of running away from them. And many times I still feel alone. I need to find the God who is there because to be quite honest the God I know is the one who still hasn't figured out how to keep poor children in Africa from dying of malnutrition. Yes, He died on the Cross to save us from the wrath of God. Yes, He is the perfect Creator of the Universe. Yes, He is God as revealed by His word in the Bible. Sometimes I just wish I could find the God who sits by my bed and tells me not to worry about the monsters in the closet because Jesus has a special roundhouse kick for closet monsters and He'll be here in two snaps if any monster tries anything in my bedroom. And then maybe He could help my mom.

I wish my dad had taken the time to show me that kind of God. Maybe Dad doesn't know that kind of God exists either. I wish he could have though.

thoughts for the last day of Christmas

While elsewhere people are putting up Valentine's merchandise and pulling lights down from the rafters, Allen and I are looking forward to the last official hurrah of Christmas. The living room isn't perfectly clean. There aren't any whimsical centerpieces, crackling fires, or gathered friends. There are steaks marinating on the counter though and unopened presents waiting under the tree. This isn't the Epiphany I hope to be celebrating five or ten years from now, but it's the very best Epiphany our travel wearied selves can celebrate this year. And, by God's grace, it's enough. Tonight, with steak and good wine, gingerbread and sweet potato soup, we'll quietly close out what has, in some ways, been the best Christmas we've ever celebrated.

That's the thing about getting better with practice. I don't want this Christmas to be the best Christmas ever because that means I'll spend all my other Christmases looking back to one tiny high point wishing I could go back again and capture a few fleeting moments. I want this Christmas to be the best Christmas so far - not the best one ever. But with that desire comes to the temptation to rush ahead and try to plan three or four Christmases out instead of enjoying the one I have right here. I need to rest in imperfection for a while.

So my bookcase needs organizing, and I can think of a dozen things I'll likely try to do differently next year. But I think it's been the best Christmas so far. And that is enough for this year.

A few goals for the New Year

Nothing very well thought out here but just a few wishes and intentions for the next few months.

1. Go backpacking

This is one I've been planning for and working towards for a long while. We're thinking about making a short trip just to get acclimated, but I'd love to visit Pt. Reyes and Yosemite. Pretty much just gotta get the water filter and rent some packs once we plan our first trip.

2. Go snowshoeing in Yosemite.

This one we're planning to do by the end of this month :D

3. Exercise 3 days a week

Now that I've started getting my mind in shape I'm wanting to work on my body. I don't care if it's five minutes or thirty minutes. I got a new pilates type workout set for Christmas, and I'm planning on putting it to use.

4. Lose 20lbs

Something I've been meaning to/half trying to accomplish for about 2 years but just haven't really settled down to consistently.

5. Read something interesting

Ie Emerson, Shakespeare play I've never read, Calvin, lit theory, theology, etc

6. Read my Bible more.

Yeah, we aren't going to talk about how much I don't read my Bible. However, as I'm starting to become more honest with myself I'm starting to realize just how much I really need to get in touch with the God who is instead of the God I imagine.

7. Find a job and/or volunteer position.

I think it's about time I start spreading my wings and figuring out just where I fit in this world. Besides that I've gots to keep my hands busy.

8. Invite someone over for supper/coffee/lunch.

Repeat as necessary to develop friendships and community :D

things that no longer send me into hysterics

I admit that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get all excited about gay marriage and all the various arguments Christians put up against it. I've become convinced that one man one woman no longer cuts any ice as an argument since it pretty completely misses the point. To a certain extent marriage conventions are arbitrary -there is no "obviously" right way to do marriage (or sex or romantic love for that matter). To my limited knowledge we've had polygamy, hetero plus homoerotic relationships on the side, convenient marriages with mistresses on the side, polyandry, and now a huge battle over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to make the same spectacular failure of marriage as all us clean cut, church going heteros. At this point I should probably clarify that when I say "arbitrary" I mean something that's not readily apparent to fallen man. It's not like saying that walking off cliffs is unmistakable bad for humans. So long as enough men and women are getting together to produce enough children to keep medicare from going under what do we care what all the other folks are doing?

I've come to the conclusion that I am against gay marriage for the very same reason that many other people are for it. To the secular mind (secularists correct me if I am wrong) marriage is a commitment made between two people who love each other and wish to solemnize their love in front of witnesses. It is the ultimate form of exclusivity and a proclamation to each other and to the world that this person is hereafter dearest above all to one's self -to be considered, cherished, and enjoyed above all other relationships. Women also like wearing pretty dresses and having a big to do :D I highly advocate all the above, but a Christian marriage adds something more. Beyond any other consideration a Christian marriage depicts Christ's relationship with His bride the Church. Christ (masculine) is betrothed to the Church (feminine). Christ is not betrothed to Himself, and the Church is not betrothed to herself. The secular mind sees nothing in the definition of marriage that cannot be extended to same sex couples, while I see everything. It's not about one man and one woman or two hens and and guinea pig. It's about Christ and His Bride, and because it's about Christ and His Bride it's also about masculine and feminine. And that's why I can't get too excited when people start blathering on about gay marriage. If Christians start showing the world what marriage is (and painting with God's brushes and not just whatever they had on sale at SaveMart) then I believe gay marriage will fade away in light of God's covenant awesomeness. If, on the other hand, we refuse to live together in light of Christ and His Church, then all the referendums, sign waving, and illogical babbling won't stop it.

I'm still going to vote, argue, believe that homosexual relationships aren't God's plan for the world, but I'm going to be a little less hysterical and a little more compassionate when I encounter my unsaved counterparts. I'm going to try and wave signs less and live a little harder in the Gospel. I don't plan on being ignored, but I admit I'd rather be known for my love of God than my propensity to stand about on street corners.

grief apart

Recently found out the fiancee of someone in Allen's programming circle has been hospitalized with (as I heard it) pretty much zero hope of ever leaving it. He told Allen that they were getting married this evening. It's one of those situations where you don't know what to do and it feels like every possible course of action is wrong. We're planning to get them a wedding gift as soon as we can figure out what to get them. A nice vase or some crystal candle sticks seems pretty silly and useless when you know the marriage is going to be all too short, but giving them a new mixer just emphasizes the disparity between what is and what they wanted. It really doesn't help any that they're atheists. Death and hope in the face of death are pretty hard subjects for Christians and atheists to grapple with over a hospital bed. All the old sticks about love being eternal ring pretty hollow when you're talking about people who don't believe in God or heaven. I'm really trying hard not to think about the alternatives here. It's kind of ripping me up inside that there are two people who love each other and are standing by each other through one of them more horrific things two lovers can experience, and I'm over here praying desperately "Lord, have mercy." I truly believe that love is the ultimate defiance of death because love is the only thing is this miserable, fallen love that's large enough to reach eternity. As the Bible says, "and the greatest of these is love." "Love never fails." Love existed before creation, and it will exist after this heaven and earth have faded away. To Christians going through pain this can be a comfort. I know for a certainty that if either Allen or I died tomorrow we would be with each other again. Can't say that either of us would really feel like living through that reality, but it would still be real. Atheists don't know this. It's not the way their world works. When you give up the sacrifice at the cross you give up its hope too. I wish God would look into this couple's lives and make the pain stop. I wish God would "prove" Himself, but the fact of the matter is that the Bible says He already has. God gets to decide what constitutes evidence -not us. I can't say I blame Him either. Jesus said that people who didn't understand Jesus and His mission from the Law and Prophets wouldn't believe even if someone where raised from the dead. Well you had Lazarus, and you had Jesus. These events didn't take place in some little backwater town where no one knew what was going on either. Here you have Jesus and Lazarus walking around talking to people and people who should have known still didn't believe. We ask God to prove Himself and forget how many times He already has proven Himself to a people intent on going their own way. This includes me. The reality of God is sitting there in front of us, and we can't even see it. Our lives are filled with pain. With defiant eyes we raise our futile hands to the sky and condemn the Maker we hate for not giving us parents that loved us or life instead of sickness. The only difference between me and the rest of them is that I'm searching for, waiting for the God who loves me not just enough to die for me but to put up with my sloppiness, my temper, and my inattention. And I desperately wish I could give hope to people going through these kinds of situations. How do you give hope, though, to someone saying "God, if you're real, you can make it stop, and if you could make it stop but you don't then you're no kind of God at all." I don't know what to say. I've asked time and again "God, why does it have to hurt so much?" I still don't have an answer, but I do have hope that one day I'll be beyond all this hurt and sorrow.

So enough with all this rambling. What am I going to do? Well someone closer to this couple has offered to get some information for us about suitable wedding gifts, and I'm going to pray really hard that God has mercy. It's the only damn hope any of us have.

fruit of affliction

Lately I've been doing a bit of thinking about seasons of life, identity, purpose, what it actually means to live with an intentionality that deals confidently and compassionately with the past. Just today I discovered two posts on Femina very much to those points - one on affliction and the other on fruitfulness. I don't know that the good women over at Femina meant those posts to be complementary, but I believe they are. I know for myself that the particularly twists and turns of my own afflictions have made me doubt whether or not I'll ever really be the fruitful person I'd like to be. The phrase, "pensive, doubting, fearful heart," applies pretty well most days. I suppose because it's the nature of children (and indeed most everyone) to be egoists I'm more inclined to look at the various hurts and troubles I've been through and wonder "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" or "surely I must be a terrible, incompetent person to deserve this" instead inquiring of myself and God what should I be learning through all this? Along those lines Nancy Wilson writes:

The Bible has much to say about affliction in this life. God always uses such things to sanctify us, to conform us to the image of His Son, to teach us to follow Christ. It is good to be needy because we have a Savior who loves to bestow comfort in affliction, joy in suffering, and help for the helpless. If we never had need, would we have an idea of His matchless grace?

Afflictions are good for us because they are God’s schoolroom in which He teaches His children many things. Learn to listen and learn to be a good student in affliction. He does all things well. This is not an accident, but part of His good (though hard) Providence in your life. This is an opportunity for faith, without which we will not see the Lord.

Of course such a doctrine of affliction doesn't allow anyone to play the egoist. Maybe we earned the current affliction (ie the defaulting bank clerk) or maybe we didn't (ie an abused child), but either way affliction is something we should view from God's point of view and not own own. It's more a question of what God is doing in His kingdom and less of what we did or didn't do to earn our particular affliction. In some ways it's a hard doctrine and in other ways it's a freeing one. If you didn't earn it you can't even pretend to be in control of it. And yet if we really do believe the Gospel we must believe that suffering isn't arbitrary. It's always redeemed. Meaning that my issues with co-dependency and growing up with the kind of family I did is somehow part of God's ultimate plan to redeem creation. Yeah, I admit that I have no clue what part a couple of co-dependent parents and a few more or less messed up kids have to do with redeeming creation. Couldn't make up an explanation if I tried. Yet despite my own cluelessness I can't help but feel that if God is really in charge of this affliction then maybe it isn't such a crime to feel hurt. Maybe I don't have to shut down my heart and refuse to feel the pain since somehow, somewhere this pain that never quite goes away will be redeemed. It's not a wasted and wasteful emotion. By God's unfathomable grace it's part of my own redemption. That's very helpful to me because in the past I have more or less shut down in the face of pain. I've berated myself in private for wanting things to come out differently. Face it, if you expect a slap in the face, and you get a slap in the face at least you aren't disappointed. However, if you'd rather get a hug and know you might just get a cold shoulder and then get a slap in the face....well more fool you for wanting something you knew you weren't going to get. Way to pile up hurt and disappointment for yourself. So you stop wanting and you stop feeling. Every time you do that a little bit of you dies, but that's ok because at least you don't feel the hurts. At least it's ok until you get so numb that you'd rather feel anything than nothing.

As you might guess, under such circumstances it's pretty hard to be fruitful. When the Bible says "out of the overflow of his heart man speaks" I think it could also say that out of the overflow of man's heart he acts. Consider Jesus's remark that any man who harbors hatred in his heart is already guilty of murder. When you're feeling dead, dry, inadequate, and empty it's really hard to be fruitful no matter how much you might want to be. I know that for myself the fruitfulness comes in little fits and spurts -symbolic of my "pensive, doubting, fearful heart" I suppose. As I said, the connection between affliction and fruitfulness, suggested by the juxtaposition of the two latest posts at Femina, is in this case strictly from my own imagination. Whether or not they ordinarily go together I can't say. I can only speak from my own experience. And in my experience being told I couldn't cook for the longest time didn't exactly make my heart overflow with bounty once I got married and found myself having to cook. I remember I cooked spaghetti for our first meal together, and i was scared stiff. Of spaghetti my friends! Surely I had well and truly learned my own inadequacy. And this is where I found Rachel's post so encouraging. She pointed out that in the case of vines and bushes and fruit trees their fruitfulness isn't contingent on someone being there to appreciate the fruit. I don't normally block quote so much, but she puts it so well. Regarding fruitfulness Rachel says:

If you are like me, probably one of the first things you think of is Psalm 128 “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.”

But the funny thing is that in this verse, the fruitful vine is not bearing children, she is bearing fruit. The children are all off her vine long ago, and are responsible for their own fruit bearing. She is just a heavy laden vine. My mom has always taught that fruitfulness is not equal to bearing children, and here is another example of that. The mere fact of having had children does not mean you are a fruitful person. That would be like the apple trees calling it off after their first year of bearing fruit.

Fruitfulness isn't contingent upon someone being there to applaud, appreciate, or make use of what we do. In that sense fruitfulness is wasteful and supremely unconcerned with other people's reactions. We do the best we can and then drop the fruit where it may. If other people can use the fruit great. If not we just go right on producing it. I find this refreshing because this attitude makes hash of my more utilitarian sensibilities. When I think about taking up writing (and not just blogging) for my own pleasure or learning a new instrument or making something extra for supper I keep finding good reasons why not -mostly because who would they really help besides myself. But if I'm seeing this picture of fruitfulness aright then developing one's talents and putting something a little extra into supper making are in themselves fruitful activities. It doesn't matter if the husband notices or if you ever find yourself pressed up to use your talents publicly. We produce the fruit and let God worry about the harvest. And this is so not how I grew up. I've been so afraid of looking stupid or failing or not being recognized for what I do that I've really been kind of scared to do anything. Contrarily this sort of fruitfulness seems to look to God and to itself for its only justification. That's very freeing. Not having to worry about what every one else thinks.

So I know this all has been very long and rambling, but what am I trying to say? Here it is in a nutshell (if you're skimming stop here). I think any sort of non-Biblical idea of affliction is likely to produce people who either don't know how or believe that they can't be fruitful people. It's hard to have a generous heart when you've tucked it down into the furtherest cranny of yourself so as not to feel it's wounded pulse. Case in point -as women its so easy to feel that without kids we are simply waiting somewhere between contentment and despair for our fruitfulness to begin. But no, God has called His people to affliction and to fruitfulness. They can only be contrary callings if we make then be.

Missing Autumn

On facebook I've been seeing everyone start their annual "my football team is better than your football team" posturing, and I've realized quite suddenly that Fall should be here. Growing up Labor Day always meant another week on the road. For months we'd discuss locations -Maine, Colorado, New England, wherever our fancy and two or three day's traveling could take us. As Labor Day approached we'd check out travel books from the library and watch the weather reports. At some point us kids would be dispatched to vacuum out the rv and stash numerous boxes of cereal. Then, on a Friday afternoon, we'd put the milk in the rv fridge, put a few pizza's in the oven, and wait for Dad to come home. As soon as Dad had come home and changed we did a last check of the house to make sure faucets and ovens and irons were all off; we'd carry down the pizzas on their cardboard rounds, scramble up the steps into the rv, and wait for Mom to lock the door. I can still hear the sound of the that first twack as Mom pulled the rv door closed behind her, and the rv rumbled it's way up the driveway and out onto the road. Sitting there in the rv, eating pizza, and digging into my library I always knew we were doing something special. It was every trip was like Christmas where each day was another present unwrapping itself from the ribbon of the interstate before us. Every sunrise was an entirely new thing seen from a bouncing, swaying window while licking powdered sugar from my breakfast doughnut from my fingers. Even the rain didn't bother us because it was new rain from a new sky, and watching the storm come up over mountain or lake could be half the fun. When you go to see things it doesn't matter near so much how you see them but only that you do see them.

Unfortunately I can never return to those days. I'm even finding myself increasingly reluctant to wear my old vacation shirts because they are the last tangible memories of a time that was necessarily all too brief. Even if I wanted to though I couldn't go back. The university schedule changed much of our travel schedule. Now that we are growing up and going our own separate ways.... How I wish my memories of these days were clearer. As they are I only have snapshots of hikes and sunrises and late nights listening to old radio shows -often as not thinking about some boy I rather liked. They were good times, and I will be forever grateful that I had them.

This is just brilliant

This is a quote from Lark News article Pastor tries inauthenticity.

BEND, Ore. — For years pastor Terry Bradley of New Life Community tried to be entirely real with everyone.
That experiment is now over.
"Authenticity is bogus," he says. "It's never real. Nobody knows himself well enough to be fully authentic, and trying to self-divulge all the time breeds shallow relationships because it denies the complexity and mystery of human personalities."

If you don't read Lark News you should -this goes double if you're a Christian and triple if you're an evangelical Christian. If what you read there offends you, and you vow to never darken their links again be scared. Be very scared. Remember, the Pharisees couldn't get the joke about them meticulously straining out gnats out of their wine and then golluping a camel in their soup.

Bigger than ourselves

Our new pastor out here said something last Sunday that I've been thinking about all week. He was referring to an author who was writing about how on the whole Americans aren't really that ambitious -or rather, how Americans tend to be rather narrow in our ambitions. By this author's estimation American ambition is mostly concerned with upward mobility ie parent's working hard to afford a good home and good schools so their kids can get good degrees and afford even better housing and schooling for their children and so on and so forth. Apparently the author views this as a rather narrow, self-concerned ambitions. What is really ambitious, to his mind, are those Christians who say "I'm going to devote myself to the reading and studying of God's Word, the Bible." According to our pastor this fellow isn't even a Christian, and yet he realizes that to devote yourself to God's Word is to devote yourself to something far bigger and more meaningful than just ourselves. I've been thinking about that all week. I've heard of so many people talking about wanting to be part of something bigger than themselves. I've thought it myself quite a bit, and yet I don't think any of them have actually said that picking up your Bible and reading some psalms or part of the Gospels would be, in that moment, throwing ourselves into something bigger than ourselves. At some level I think we all know it, and yet I think we get caught up in thinking that there are people (missionaries, pastors, leaders of great causes) who are definitely doing something great for the world and forget that perhaps there are much smaller ways to do great things. I'll admit I'm pretty remiss in my Bible reading, but maybe next time I start thinking that my life doesn't count for so very much or that there's nothing I can do I'll take a moment to open my Bible. It's a thought.

To close a chapter

I know there are probably at least a few people who have been reading my blog long enough to know about my year from hell (back when I was going through miscarriages and such), and many of those who haven't been reading my blog that long will still understand what I mean. This has been something I've been thinking about putting up for awhile, and today just feels like the day to do it.

Most of the explanation is simply this -I was going through the worst depression I've ever known, and since there were plenty of times I literally couldn't think for myself I was relying on people who either through error or ignorance misled me. I know who hurt me the most through all this, and all I can say about that is Allen and I have decided that should the occasion come up again these persons aren't going to have the same access to this portion of our lives. These happen to be people we both love and respect, so nuf said. But looking back I can see where all sorts of people, quite early on, should have looked me in the face and given me some hard facts. I can think of a couple nurse-midwives specifically who, if they had taken the time to sit down with me early on, might have averted much of this mess. Instead they just sort of exchanged looks over my head so that when people finally did try to confront me I became confused and ended up falling back on the misguided advice I'd been receiving from other sources. For people who don't see how this could happen may I suggest that you haven't dealt with any sort of long-term depression? I certainly wasn't "lock myself in my room for three weeks" depressed, but I was dealing with some sort of ongoing depression that often completely sapped my mental abilities. There were days I woke up tired and went to bed tired not having done anything more productive than play solitaire for three hours straight. In that kind of atmosphere it is really, really hard to stand up and say "I think we really need to take are hard look at what's going on here, because something sure ain't right."

There was a second aspect in play during that time I really think needs to be addressed. We've all heard people talk about "having a peace" while making a decision or feeling "a burden on their heart" or any of those other phrases signifying that they have had an authoritative feeling on some subject (usually meaning they should either go ahead with something or stop.) I certainly don't want to denigrate that because I believe the Holy Spirit certainly can and does nudge and prompt us in certain ways. We've all heard about the person who canceled their tickets at the last moment and were therefore spared some catastrophe or another. Who can say that wasn't the Holy Spirit? On the other hand, when you combine this sort of "I have certainty because I feel a certain way" with evangelical/American individualism you can run into some serious problems. Coincidences, feelings, and even denials can all become authoritative signs of God that x really is so even when there is no place in the Bible that is specifically mandated to be so. This might sound crazy, but how many of us have heard of someone taking a specific flight, choosing a certain name, or buying a particular house because of something happened to where they said "I knew God wanted me to x." Ok. Did God say so in the Bible? If not you really are sort of just guessing. It might be are really great guess, and you might be making a really wise decision, but it doesn't mean that taking one flight is right and taking another flight would be wrong. In speaking on wisdom and decision making Tom spoke about the fences and the freedom we find in God. Where there are fences (a thou shalt or thou shalt not) we have God's clearly revealed will for our lives. In the areas where He hasn't spoken we have a lot of freedom -where to live, what car to drive, how to arrange our free time, etc. There are certainly better or worse decisions we can make in those areas, but by and large we can make those decisions without running into one of God's fences. However, having individualist evangelic tendencies means that we frequently try to establish certainty where there is none -often in our emotions. I feel x, but you feel y. Whose is more authoritative? Who felt it first? Who feels it the loudest? We see this most in evangelical culture when we hear or read people talking about the finding and knowing the perfect (secret) will of God for your life. Because the secret will of God for you is just that -secret- people tend to start investing feelings and coincidences with the authority of God in order to discern this secret will. Once you do that it becomes easier and easier to believe in God sending extra-normal experiences. Although in the Bible God made it unmistakeably clear (often in a fall down on your face thinking "Oh sh**, I about to be dead" sort of way) when He was breaking the normative pattern of events, I think we evangelicals can be too quick to believe that we can all have a Moses experience where we get sent off on our life's great mission and that furthermore we should seek out that sort of experience. But since there are no more burning bushes we have to settle for seeking authority in various feelings and events. When I heard Tom speak about all this I had a huge aha moment, and much of that very hard year suddenly fell into perspective.

Let me see if I can pull it together in a way that would make sense. If, in the back of your mind, you have this sort of secret will of God theology operating it makes sense that you would invest all sort of coincidences, words, feelings, etc with a measure of authority and certainty or even hold them up as "proof" that "x" really is true -forgetting that when God does break into the narrative like that it's completely unmistakable. Combine this sort of theology with a measure of depression that makes you pretty reliant on what other people are telling you (and heaven forbid these people be firmly entrenched in the discerning the "secret will of God"), and you end up with one hell of a mess. There were some other people who did try to help me and tell me the truth of the situation, but many of them seemed to a. view me as a charlatan, or b. didn't have a good groundwork themselves for addressing the root of the problem -namely my depression and my faulty understanding of normative experience and the will of God.

And so with all that I would like to close what has been a rather difficult chapter in my life. If you don't understand how this could happen then let me simply say that depression + bad theology + bad advice can get a girl into a major mess. It seemed appropriate to put this up here where I wrote so much trying to work through it all both during and after.

thoughts on sacraments

In the car this evening Allen and I ended up talking about people's approach (namely in our church) the the sacraments -specifically communion. We tend to lean rather towards the paedo end of things ourselves. For those who aren't familiar with the debate going on in some circles, there are people of the baby baptizing persuasion who believe that all baptized children capable of eating and drinking should be permitted/encouraged/brought forward to take communion barring extraordinary behavior on the child's part (such as the sort which would bar any other Christian from the Table). The way I understand it, the argument goes thusly:

1. Infant baptism recognizes/affirms that "the promise is to you and to your children" and that simply being born to believing parents puts a child in a particular covenantal relationship with God. In this way baptism is analogous to circumcision. Like the Jewish born child born under the old covenant, a baptized infant born to believing parents today is born into certain obligations towards God -namely to love God and keep His commandments.

2. God ordained the Lord's Table for the benefit of those in His family -those people in covenantal relationship with Him.

3. Since we believe baptized infants are in a real sense part of God's family and under covanental obligations we shouldn't bar them from receiving this very real means of grace.


All that to say that Allen and I tend towards the "bring 'em young" approach. If they can articulate a basic love of God and understanding of salvation I really don't see the problem letting take communion. What I do see a problem with is people who don't teach their kids (or their congregations) that communion is something we need to be anticipating. In the Table we encounter God's grace in a tangible way and receive strength to in the petty glories of life on earth. Whether you think your kid should come to the table at 3 or 12, letting them remain apathetic about communion doesn't seem like a good option. And of course I say this having (for an evangelical) a pretty high view of communion. I honestly don't understand churches who don't have weekly communion. I've heard the arguments for infrequent communion, and I don't buy them. I must admit that one of the silliest arguments I've heard is that it will make visiting non-believers feel excluded. Seriously, what do you say to that? The Gospel is an invitation -a command even- to put away our sinful, rebellious ways and come to Christ. You who are not sons and daughters may now become children of God. You who stand outside the doors hungry and naked may come to be clothed and fed. That's not exclusive, but communion is?

Anyway, all that to say I'm really glad I go to a church that values communion so highly and invites us week after week to meet Christ where He presides over the table He has laid for His children, and every week I love watching a certain little girl dancing in the aisle as she waits to dip her bit of bread in the wine cup. The eagerness in her upturned face confronts my jadedness and reminds me what it means to approach God with the joyous expectation of a child.

warming? swarming? let's just say I like dirt.

It's sort of disheartening reading about these various environmental groups. A lot of them seem very into social programs, government incentives, and at times a distrust of free-markets/private property. As you may guess I'm very into the latter and not so much into the former. Now I actually think that a strong view of private property can help environmental causes and that free-markets can provide some effectual checks to corporate excesses. For instance, if I own a piece of land who's waterways running through it are negatively impacted by strip-mining (or manufacturing) upstream, a strong view of private property says "Your practices are impinging my property rights. Quit it." In the same manner I think that for changes to be durable they need to competitive in the marketplace. (Understandably, in today's markets government subsidies artificially skew prices. In the US, right now, we aren't dealing with free market conditions.) If electricity plants stop burning cheap, dirty coal and change to some more expensive way of producing electricity....well they won't unless you make them. BUT! If you can find a cheaper, more efficient way of producing electricity you won't have to make anyone switch over. They'll all be chomping at the bit, and the change will be long-lasting. Plus you won't have to deal with increased commodity prices due to increased production costs or the corresponding lessening of consumer buying power as a result of a. regulation, b. subsidization, or c. both. Of course at this point we could go into this whole thing about how government actions are effectively inhibiting companies and investors from having the incentives or opportunities to do this as rapidly as they could, but that's for another rant. Sufficing to say that it's a snarl.

To go back to what I said about government incentives, there's a sense in which I understand that this is the government with which we're dealing. Incentives are a fact of life. Use them. Haggle for them. Deal. Go ahead and point out that government subsidies go to bloated corporations, hurt farmers, contribute to national obesity, or whatever it is they do, but don't forget that subsidies are bad business no matter who gets them. It's not like Jones Valley Urban Farms getting subsidies = good and Conagra getting subsidies = bad. They still skew the marketplace and take money out of potential investor's (and consumer's) hands. So yes, we have to deal with government incentives and subsidies, but don't expect me to get all happy clappy when I hear that Congress has passed a bill to subsidize organic peanuts in Mississippi. As for my thoughts on social programs see the above. I love them when people come together and buy a plot of ground together to create a neighborhood garden. I don't love it when the government comes in and starts doing what people ought to be doing with their own two hands. The government is big enough thank you. It can darn well keep its mits off my locally grown arugula.

Having said all that, I'm generally in favor of smaller landfills, cleaner air and water, healthier soil, fewer endangered species, and fair trade coffee. I'm just think I'm in it for different reasons. As such, I don't feel comfortable calling myself an environmentalist. Allen has suggested "conservationist." I wonder if maybe I'm not something like an environmental humanist -by which I mean someone who's environmental concerns and goals are driven by human needs rather than any particular regard for the earth as a thing apart. To further illustrate, I like clean air because I breathe air. I'm in favor of fewer and smaller landfills because they are unsightly and smelly things to have in one's backyard. Healthy soil grows nutritious plants that keep me living longer and feeling better. Good environmental practices are often good for people, and I don't think that should be accidental. I think it's all part of dominion, stewardship, and making this earth into a beautiful garden to welcome Christ's return. To that end I hope to see urban gardens, backyard swings, vast sweeps of virgin timber, and steel high rises all intermingled to the glory of God and the service of His people.

Personal application of a sermon

Last night Tom preached on envy, which is honestly probably one of my more significant failings as a Christian. Probably. Allen might say it's leaving the mustard out on the counter all week. Anyway, here's how it works. For people outside my group I think, "wow that is so cool I wish I could do something awesome like start a non-profit/hike the cascades/start a lindy scene/have x cool job/etc. That's more a "be content with where I am today" type issue. When I'm in a group it's a different story. Take lindy hop for instance (since that's sort of my thing). I have struggled tremendously watching various girls in our group develop as dancers because every time they learn a new swivel or break I feel threatened as a dancer. This is nonsense yes? But there it is. I have to very consciously remind myself over and over again that everything they learn is added to the community closet so to speak. We learn from each other, and their progress makes me a better dancer. But the problem is that I'm no longer the "best" dancer. Of course I wasn't anyway because there are always the instructors. However, some dark spot in my psyche was content being the best among the students. However, as the scene has grown other girls have joined who've proved singularly adept at the step, step, triple step. For my better nature that has been a tremendous blessing -people to learn from and with, more styles brought into the dance, a bigger scene, etc. For my sin nature it's been very hard coping with being better without being best. I'm a better dancer by far since other people have started even though my absolute ranking in the area may have fallen (if there even was such a thing.) And this is the nonsensical part of my struggle with envy. Envy would rather be on top even if that means I remain I worse dancer/friend/organizer/etc. The quality of the work doesn't matter so much as remaining the undisputed top dog.

Call me pompous but I really don't think I was meant for envy. I don't mean in the theological sense that humans were made for the garden of Eden either. I mean in the day to day sense. I don't like it. If it's one of my besetting sins it's also the one of which I'm possibly most aware and over which I most grieve. It's also the one in which I was possibly most trained. Who trains a kid in envy you may ask? Possibly my parents. Among us kids there were a couple of mentalities competing. One was a sort of school mentality. Stick together or the sharks will get you. It was five kids trying to understand a mom who was (and probably still is) very likely seriously, clinically depressed. However that was another competing mentality more along the nature of sharks. The line was pretty nigh impossible for anyone to toe, but sometimes someone would give a fairly good impression of it. That meant that all the parental heat was off of her/him and on the rest of you. Enter the sharks. Self-preservation said bring that sibling down before we all die here. I'll give you an example. My mom would (no kidding) ask people "So who do you think has the higher gpa, Natalie or Claire?" You might think this sounds deplorable no matter what the gpa. But let me tell you something -my gpa was three hundredths of a point lower than my sister's and that furthermore I was a junior/senior and she was a freshman/sophomore. See what I mean when I tell you I was trained in envy? My good grades became a foil for my sister's better ones. In the end that's about all the were good for. Growing up it wasn't so much about toeing the line as being closer to it than anyone else. One kid looking good frequently (admittedly not always) made the rest of us look bad.

I know that regardless of what I learned growing up that my sin is still my sin. I can't just look at something my parents inadvertently did and pass that buck back. Wrapped up as it is though in my search for love and approval and my desire to be a "good kid" envy has been a pretty tough one to root out. I don't want to be the bad kid. I don't want to lose approval. I want to be loved and accepted and commended. If that meant stomping on a few fingers....Father hunger is a strong emotion. The interesting thing though, to go back my lindy hop example, is that I'm in no less demand as a dancer now that I was before. I would say the reverse is true. Other people's successes have made me stronger and I believe will continue to make me stronger. I'm not as envious of other people as I was a year or two ago, and I believe I owe that in many ways to my church family because I don't have to scrape and connive to get these people to care for me and to approve. The masks can come down. It's ok to be unsure, faltering, and imperfect. And in that I see the face of God. I don't have to be better than Jennifer, Allen, Scot, Laura, etc because God loves me independent of and without thought for where they are in their walks. It's a very beautiful and very free thing. No more competing. No more being glad when the best dancer/biker/babysitter/etc moves out of town and you get to move up a rank. It's a good place to be whenever I can maintain the altitude.

A quick confession

I have issues with money. For as long as I can remember my family has been careful with its pennies. Although by some standard we did have a lot, a lot of planning went into almost everything we bought, and thankfully the years brought their rewards. I remember one summer as a child when the family voted to do without air conditioning for a month so we could have enough money to go on vacation. I remember my dad driving an old truck he didn't like, and spending endless hours going back to school so he could get a better job. And I did indeed marry a man capable of supporting me in the manner to which I'd been accustomed. Let me assure you I mean that as no slight. In this day and age marrying a man without debt is no small blessing. We might not have much, but everything we have is freehold. And yet I must confess that somewhere in the inner recesses of my soul is the desire to spend money like water (in which I think I'm hardly unique). At first the list doesn't seem too long -a house with a decent sized yard, maybe a new Honda, perhaps a modest ski boat, two or three days horseback riding in Yellowstone. That's hardly the lifestyle of a multimillionaire. But even as I say that I can see my list getting longer -tickets to Broadway revivals in NYC, a home on several acres, a cabin on Lake Martin, pretty dishes, more traveling, nicer clothes, jewelry -the bigger my budget the longer my list. In the long run, it doesn't matter how big or small my budget is. There are just times when I want to reach out my hands and grasp, and I hate it because I know that impulse is futile and destructive. When you start grasping do you ever find a place where you can stop and be content? I don't think so. Ultimately I think I want to grab because I want to be secure. I want to have so much stuff that nothing can hurt me. Hearing talk about economic downturn scares me because I don't want to suffer and give up things. I get angry at the thought of giving up my little indulgences when I see other people routinely incurring expenses I couldn't manage in a month of Sundays. And then I feel bad because somewhere out there a mother of three or four who has to feed her family for a month on what I spend in a week or two at Whole Foods. It's hard for me to know how I should think about these things. I know that grasping doesn't lead anywhere, and hopefully I'm too good a Christian and a capitalist to begrudge my neighbors their good fortune. I just want to be safe. I want to know that I'll always be able to go on making soup in the years ahead and that if I never rise above shopping clearance racks then at least I'll never fall below them. As often as I may struggle with our need to save and plan I can all too easily imagine a time when even the opportunity to save would be a luxury. At those times I want to grasp onto everything I can. I suppose there's really no way to get around it that in such cases I need God more than ever. Then I remember that when God sent Israel into exile it wasn't only the evil who went, and I have a hard time dealing with God when I'm seeing that side of His face. Those are the times I want to just eat -to physically fill myself with all that may one day be lacking. Fortunately I don't tend to keep anything around that's worse than spaghetti or beef and vegetable soup, but even that it bad enough. I don't like feeling empty, and I don't like getting a second helping of ziti or soup because I'm feeling insecure about the future. I suppose that means I'd better come to terms with God and the righteous exiles.

faith and new things

So last night I was feeling a little bit sick to my stomach about the thought of Obamessiah actually being president. McCain may not have been my choice, but I was at least familiar with the brand of large gov, war hawk, hands across the isle conservatism he offered. Obama.....is an unknown quantity. Potentially less war. More abortion. More paranoia about gun owning families. More bad economics. However, at least he can't say he's doing this as a Bible-thumping conservative, and maybe this will wake up a few of those Bible thumping conservatives who like to view voting as a sacred duty and would sooner miss taking the sacraments than missing an election. Anyway, scooting over to femina to see if I could find a dose of post-election sanity I found several women -none of them hysterical- saying "now this is going to be interesting to watch." It reminded me of that passage from Habbakuk where the Lord says, "Behold I am doing a new thing," and as Christians I am supposing that an appropriate response to that would be, "Praise the Lord." I'm still not happy about the elections, but I think I have a little more perspective now.

More on slave wives and the question of divorce

One of my commentors has asked me to provide a verse explaining why a Christian wife may leave her husband for abuse. I provide the asked for background more for the sake of completeness than with the intention of changing anyone's mind. That said, the text is question is Ex 21:7-11.

7 “When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she shall not go out as the male slaves do. 8 If she does not please her master, who has designated her [1] for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed. He shall have no right to sell her to a foreign people, since he has broken faith with her. 9 If he designates her for his son, he shall deal with her as with a daughter. 10 If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or her marital rights. 11 And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.

I'm sure that people quibble about this passage frequently, but the point that Jordan (and others) are making is that there are three things a husband must provide his wife -food, clothing, and love/intimacy. If he doesn't then a wife may request a divorce. Of course as with many Biblical teachings this is a case for discernment rather than hasty judgments. A husband who works hard to provide his wife with ground chuck and Craft Mac is a faithful husband. A husband who eats sirloin and Stilton while his wife eats ground chuck and Craft Mac seriously needs a visit from the church elders. Not being able to shop Sax 5th Ave isn't legitimate grounds for divorce. Shopping at thrift stores while your husband collects Lear jets....bring back the elders. I'm trying to make this clear because I don't want anyone to say that I support divorce because a wife is discontent with how her husband provides for her. I am saying that a selfish husband who makes his wife eat rotten leftovers to teach her not to waste his money that way and then turns around and buys a gallon of Bluebell for himself probably deserves whatever is coming. Another thing I want to point out is that the woman doesn't appear to be getting any alimony out of this. This presumably encourages several things in a Christian community namely A. the abuse is real and not merely discontentment, and B. the community approves her leaving and is willing to help her transition. If you back to Jordan's article you'll see he theorizes that this could hardly happen in the case of free women since they had a great deal of control over their own property and could (in essence) largely look out for themselves. One may also postulate that a woman of property likely also had family ties that would make physical abuse detrimental to the abuser. This would be the same as a wife today having a sizable bank account of her, possibly even her own house on the beach, and relatives/connections that would make life for an abusive husband very difficult.

I think the truth is that husbands (as well as wives) need accountability. They need to know that there's a point beyond which their wives don't have to put up with their shenanigans. Admittedly both need to understand just where that point is and how far from the reality of a loving (or even moderately exasperating) marriage it is, but they need to know it exists. I'll be very honest and say that one reason I trust Allen as a husband is because I trust his father and brothers. I know that Allen is a trustworthy, stalwart, and faithful husband. I also know that if I ever needed to I could go to Allen's family, and they would take care of us. Although I can't imagine ever needing to it's nice to know I could.

So. I hope that has helped settle any questions that may have come up from my previous post. If not I'm terribly sorry, and I hope you'll still pop back around occasionally.

What does your kid's God look like?

Mostly when I get those flylady testimonials I just trash them, but every once in a while I'll open one that strikes my eye. Tonight I opened one talking about how clutter affects our children. Even if I don't have kids I'm still interested in how our environment affects us. What I read in there is that a mother has decided she's going to practice "tough love" on her temperamental 5 year old son. To that end she gets rid of most of his toys and explains to him that all she owes him is a bed and food -anything else he has to earn. Lo and behold he calms down and begins playing much more nicely with the toys he has left. When his mom says he's been good enough to earn more toys he asks her to do an activity with him instead. (Angels sing) Small child has learned there are better things in life than having three dozen cars and assorted other toys. Also, he's much calmer and better disciplined. Where's the downside? I think is probably a good example of doing a decent thing for rather deplorable reasons. We can probably grant that the kid likely had too many toys piling up in his room and that the over stimulation and clutter were contributing to his bad behavior. What I really don't get is this "tough love" attitude that says "I owe you the bare minimum, and buster you better sweat for the rest." I mean, what the heck is this telling our children about God? God owes us nothing and yet we're told to ask and ask again believing that God delights to give us good things simply because he loves us so much more than we can ever imagine. Earning just isn't in the picture when it comes to God's gifts to us. I don't want anyone reading this to think I believe parents should be pushovers either or that things can't be earned. There are economic realities built into this world -working is correlated with eating. Kids need to learn this. There are also times when parents need to draw a firm line and hold it. Grant, given, and amen.

Here's what concerns me about this attitude. Looking back at my growing up years I'm realizing just how much of my day to day theology came out of our home culture -the way Mom and Dad acted towards us and each other. There were plenty of times when home theology actually trumped Bible theology since it was what I lived day to day. Hopefully this kid in the e-mail is getting plenty of good, true home theology that will teach him experientially the nature of God's love towards us. If not then this kid's definitions of love and provision are likely to be radically skewed when he tries to understand God's love and provision in terms of what he already knows from his family.

However, what this mom has done obviously had positive benefits for her and her son since she reports that he appears to be more content and less troublesome with fewer toys cluttering up his room. As I mentioned before I'd consider this a case of doing a fairly sensible thing for fairly bad reasons (or using faulty logic/theology). Instead of establishing these troubling (dare I say unBiblical?) ideas of owing and earning as described, there are Biblical paradigms that work well here without doing damage to the parent's image as a good and loving provider. Take the parable of the talents for instance. I would say it's perfectly reasonable for a parent to say, "Child, I'm sorry, but I've just given you too much to handle right now. It's obviously stressing you out, and we're going to do something out that. So here's an amount I think you can handle. When you've grown up a little and shown that you can be responsible with what you already have, and when I don't think it won't stress you out, you can try handling a little more. But for now we're going to start small so you can grow into your responsibilities and learn how to take care of things." So maybe it's a small distinction. You could still argue that the kid's still "earning" his toys by being good. At least it doesn't do violence to the child's image of God (as portrayed by his parents) as being a grudging provider whose gifts are given grudgingly as rewards for inordinate virtue rather than a bountiful Father who smallest provision we could never earn. That's what I meant by the title of my post. In some ways we all show God to each other. The only question is whether or not our portrayals will be true or false.

A favorite Boston moment

Allen and I were hanging out in the living room watching anime with our friends. We were just in the middle of the theme song when I suddenly said, "Hey! Tom preached on this a few weeks ago!" Both guys gave me the weirdest looks. Allen later confessed that he hadn't been paying attention and hadn't the slightest clue what I was talking about, but our friend seemed to find the thought a bit mind boggling -said he was going to be very disturbed if our pastor got sermon material from "Gurren Lagann." I just thought their reactions to my comment were hilarious. When I told Tom about it (and the jist of the lyrics) he immediately understood what I meant.

I suppose when you're an atheist hearing that a pastor somewhere out there has preached on something sort of relevant to the last issue you would associate with pastors is a bit disconcerting. Just goes to show that you don't really have do any extreme exegetical contortions to make the Bible "relevant." I don't expect human desires and longings have changed all that much between the time of Latin hexameter and Japanese anime. Just preach it straight at us. The Word'll do its work just fine.