lazy backpacker

I'm prepping for another backpacking trip -possibly the last one this year :( For being too fond of reclining on my sit-me-down-upon* I'm constantly dreaming of unseen peaks and sunsets. I have a hard time getting all my laundry folded, but I long to head out for a stretch of meadow I've never visited and rest my eyes on the ranged peaks encircling and stretching away beyond me. At such times I'm deeply aware of my internal conflicts and compromises. I want to be uber-housewife with a sparkling kitchen, folded laundry, and tidy shelves. In practice I'm easily distracted by books, youtube, and computer games. I strive, and I fall back. For weeks and months I'll plan and dream of some trip only to discover that in the days previous I'd really like a mug of cocoa and a cozy chair from which to enjoy the view. Unfortunately some views are only had with a bit of struggling and scrabbling, and armchairs with the views I require don't come cheap. So I go out in the woods and pretend to be strong and capable, and then I come home and realize how completely lazy I tend to be. In some ways I feel it's one of the deepest disconnects in my character - this chasm between who I suspect I am and who I would really like to pretend to be. Maybe it's just part of the human condition. I think of what Paul said. At any rate, it's once more into the breach. Every day when I find I've wasted my morning or afternoon I just have to pull myself back together and go redeem some of that time - even if it's just a couple hours. Fall down. Get back up. Trip. Sprint. Fall and bash head. Get up again. Stumble about some. Rinse repeat. It's hard to call it progress, but I suppose you could blind determination not to be a slug - not to fall back and miss all the beautiful things that are hard to get and hard to hold. Like mountain sunsets.

(Although if my hiking actually looked anything like that I think I'd stay home. A bashed head ten miles into the backcountry ain't fun. Also, I really hope it's not too cold.)




Dorothy Sayers was in many ways a brilliant author.

not thinking things through

I keep feeling the need to write, to think, and to be be introspective about this whirlwind we call life. Well, I call it a whirlwind, but sometimes it seems more like one of those hills you see around here - all smooth and grass-covered. Lovely to look at on a drive up 280 but pretty boring after you've been sitting on one for a couple of hours. I look at all the tree a few times, count the ants running around a log, and decide to keep hiking 'cause I've already taken a nap and am getting pretty antsy myself. Extended descriptions aside, whether life is currently a maddening torrent or a particularly boring stretch of lazy river I like to think about what I'm doing. Lately though most of my thoughts have run more like this:

You know I really feel like I could say something about (marriage, dating, the academic elite, women in society, Dorothy Sayers, etc), but [sitting down to write a blog post] here's this implication and that implication. I really don't know enough to be writing about this.

Then I go check my e-mail again and never put in the work to sort out my thoughts on (virtual) paper. In the end I suppose that's another form of laziness. I want to have a considered life, but I don't want to put in the effort. When I do feel like putting in the effort I'm often off doing something else. So that's why I haven't been writing anything very much to the point. Also, I'm tired. My sleep cycles are completely out of whack right now, and no amount of supplements can compensate for that. Hopefully this is just another temporary dip in the search for a healthy equilibrium, but until then I'm just having to ride it out.

Lassen Volcano

Allen and I spent Labor Day over at Lassen Volcanic National Park. It's a really lovely place to visit. Maybe it's just that I was tired, but the park didn't feel as fast paced as some of the other parks I've visited. We didn't spend every hour of the day trying to see everything we could see, and we both had a really good time. We even took some time out to just lie in the hammocks reading. Still, we did a fair bit. Sunday we hiked seven miles, and read for two hours before heading back to the tent for some tortellini soup and a sip of whiskey around the campfire. There's a trail around Manzanita Lake at the base of Lassen Peak that we took both evenings we were there. It's a pleasant little two mile stroll with what are probably the best views of Lassen Peak at sunset. The alpen glow was pretty fantastic the second night in particular. I don't know that I've ever seen a mountain turn that particular shade of pink. Unfortunately I'd left my camera back at the campsite that evening and don't have a picture.

During our hikes Allen and I got to reconnect somewhat and discuss the coming months. We're going to try and introduce some basic routines into our schedules and make more space for productivity and real relaxation. Of course I'm writing this while I should be in bed. What can I say? There was a reason we needed to discuss this stuff. Of course we also talked about fun stuff - like comparing Vanity Fair to Wives and Daughters and Wives and Daughters to Mansfield Park. We really do have the best conversations when we allow time for them to ripen. Aside from literature we tackled race and class in American society and the significance of language. There's a reason we married each other. We were only the only two left chattering after everyone else had gone back to the football game. You laugh, but that did happen on more than one occasion while we were getting to know each other :)

Overall we had a very good trip, and I'm hoping to carry some of that momentum forward into Fall. It's going to get rather busy between now and Epiphany, and I'd like to be ready for it if I can.

note to self

When the doc gives you something (in my case a supplement) and says "here, this will even out your brain chemistry and help you feel more motivated" don't forget to take it (or fail to be motivated to take it) and then wonder why you aren't getting anything done. Who cares if it smells bad, and you're feeling particularly lethargic. Take the sassafrassing supplements! You'll feel human again!

Seriously, I feel like I finally woke up this week. Dopatone, you are my stinky but beloved friend.

moving forward

Got to talking with what I hope will turn out to be a new friend and discovered that there's a classical Christian school that's hiring for the school year. After calling them I decided not to apply, but I did discover an opportunity to volunteer at the school and hopefully learn something of classical Christian educational methods from the inside. As for why I didn't apply, there were several reasons.

1. They had already found a candidate for they position they liked and for whom they were preparing a job offer. Throwing myself into the mix would only have prolonged the uncertainty right before the school year started and probably unnecessarily so. Which brings me to my next two points.

2. Practically no experience teaching a class. I've tutored and things of that sort, but I've never led a class in my life. Some people would just jump right in and give it a try, and if they hadn't already had a candidate they liked I might have been tempted to myself. However I really do better knowing my boundaries and having a somewhat clear idea of what my limits are. I prefer to grow slowly rather than by constantly flinging myself from one cliff after another to test my wings.

3. The final reason I decided not to apply is because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to jump immediately into full time employment. Having found out about the position less than 24 hours previously I didn't feel confident of making a decision like that so quickly.

However, the headmaster did send me a volunteer application. This excites me tremendously because I can get some training and insight into how classical education works and hopefully use that knowledge either when we have kids or when I decide to look for a job myself. I'm somewhat passionate about education, but until I learned about classical methods I never found anything I could stomach long enough to get the necessary credentials to teach. Instead of spending a significant amount of money and time getting credentials in a pedagogy that I personally find appalling just so I could try and leverage that into a foundation for the kind of teaching position I would like to have I can (hopefully) volunteer at this school and get the sort of foundation I would need to later teach there or at another school of that type. I've been wondering what my next step needed to be, and I think I just might have found it.

Anyway, I need to go to bed 'cause tomorrow will be a long day. I've got some of Allen's friends coming over for supper, and I decided there would be lots of lovely lemony cake to go around. That means I need to get some sleep tonight, so I don't fall asleep over the lemon curd tomorrow afternoon.

Must read Shakespeare

Have you read Much Ado About Nothing lately? If so you really need to read it. Seriously. Go pick up your old Norton Anthology (or I bet you could even find it on-line) and read it. It's pretty much the best Shakespeare play ever. After you've read it go check out Kenneth Branagh's movie version. Or you could do what I did. Check out the movie from the library. Read Peter Leithart's commentary on the play. Pick up my Norton Anthology and read the play. Watch the movie again and discover that Beatrice and Benedict really do make one of the best love stories of all time. The introduction to my Norton tried to argue that Beatrice and Benedict don't really love each other, but in my opinion that's a whole lot of tosh. That critic has probably never flirted in his or her life - or at least never flirted with half the wit it takes to read a Shakespeare play. There's also a lot of good stuff in there about loyalty, wisdom, love, and honesty. Just compare how Claudio and Benedict behave towards their friends and their sweethearts. Plus, for Shakespeare it's quite readable. Got to love the insults. No one can write a good insult like Shakespeare.

We'll miss you, Grandmom

Saturday evening Allen's grandmother went to be with the Lord. She was very good to us, and we're going to miss her a lot.

tired little girl

A while back Allen found an integrated health care practitioner and sent me to go see him. He looked at my eyes and studied my posture and had me fill out this exhaustive questionnaire and agreed that I probably had some blood sugar/thyroid/hormone imbalance. Then he sent me to have this massive blood panel done (9 vials, and I really don't like getting labs drawn), and I waited for him to sit down with the numbers and figure out what's wrong with me.

Iron deficiency.

Last thing in the pharmacopoeia I would have suspected. I cook with cast iron, eat red meat, use green vegetables, etc. Nope, not on the radar. Thyroid is a touch sluggish, but all the hormones are firing away like normal. Blood sugar is good. I just don't have enough iron in my system. Having learned that though, it explains a lot. Looking at the list of symptoms was like reading about my life for the past year. So he's got me on some supplements to try and straighten all this out, and hopefully I'll start feeling better in the next couple months.

It's also good to know that often when I didn't feel good I wasn't just lazy and not wanting to get stuff done. Doesn't help with the energy levels, but it does help with the guilt for not keeping my housekeeping up in the way I'd like.

been thinking some more

I believe my blogging comes in fits and spurts. Sometimes I write down everything. Sometimes I have to chew on things for a long time. There's a mental gestation process as I examine the world around me and seek to discover how I fit into it and where my work should be in it. This past season has been a busy one full of growth and challenges. I've hosted quite a bit of company of both the dinner and house guest varieties. I've planned more than a couple trips for myself and others. I've started to stumble into new routines and new ways of thinking. I have new friends and new goals. I'm loosing weight for pretty much the first time in 4 years. I'm seeking out ministry opportunities in places where I never thought I'd look. In short, I'm constantly picking myself up and catapulting again and again into that insane circus of life.

And now I'm thinking that it's time I started writing again. Today will be busy, but I'm going to try and get a couple thinking posts up by the end of the week. We'll see :)

vintage sewing feet

Went rooting around under the seat of my sewing stool looking for a foot suitable for making some piping for a pillow I've been making instead of getting ready for Allen's family to arrive tomorrow. Instead finding another foot for my Janome I discovered that the vintage Singer feet I had (which I found in a box under the seat after purchasing the stool from a Salvation Army thrift store)actually fit on my Janome machine. So now if I ever need to use unfolded bias binding I have the foot to do it :) More to the point, my piping came out well. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to get finished before folks come over.

getting by with some help from vimeo

I've realized that I have to actively pursue mental engagement if I'm ever going to get anything done around this place. It's not enough for me to close the computer and put down the book and put on a rousing round of folk songs, I have to have something to focus my brain on while I'm picking up the living room and such. Sometimes I forget and try to muscle through the fog of refracted thoughts bouncing around inside my head. Doesn't work so well. So I'm off to wrap my head around some exegesis of Romans - good hearty reformed stuff that should pair nicely with a clean living room :)

FIRST!

Allen went backpacking with me :) We did something like 14-15 miles (haven't added it all up yet), and over 3,000 feet elevation change over 48hrs. We were going to make it a three day trip, but since we weren't able to really plan ahead (apparently the maps for Henry Coe are only sold there) we ended up doing some fly by the seat of our pants planning at the visitor center that (coupled with an usually early start) had us cooling our heals at 1:30 with nothing else to do for the rest of the day and staring at the prospect of a long afternoon with nothing to break the lethargy but a couple of books we'd selected more for their prospective merits as conversation starters and less for their ability to while away a drowsy afternoon. So after a couple hour's nap we decided to pack up, start hiking again, and make a two day loop of it. Besides, the scenery at Coe, though pretty enough as pasture land, wasn't enough to keep me wanting to stare at it for hours on end. I've scene some places where I could just sit and wonder for hours without being bored. The hills east of San Jose....not quite so fascinating. Anyway, I'm super proud of Allen for his unexpected display of hiker prowess. That night when I was feeling headachey and tired he inflated the sleeping pad, fixed supper, and read to me. Then we got up, hit the trail, and made it out in time to get showers and head to church. Based on our experiences I think we'll make a pretty good go of the Sierra's this summer once we're able to get up in them.

I'm not dead

Wow, popped back over here only to realize I haven't posted anything in well over a month. Well, I guess everything has its season, and I've just been busy poking away at other things. Hopefully I'll soon be back here on a more regular basis -plenty of blog posts whirling about in my head if only I'll sit down and bang them out.

surprised by pain

Every time I think I've got a handle on it, something will happen, and all the pain of losing my family will rush back over me and take my breath away. I wonder what my sister is fixing for dinner and whether my brother likes a girl. I wonder if they feel the weight of lost years like I do. I wonder if they stop and stare numbly at pictures on a facebook profile wondering what happened to kids who used to read books together and chase each other around the yard. I wish becoming me didn't mean losing you.

pretty glacier, pretty valley

I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that some of our nations most magnificent scenery is the result of some vast, glorious glacier melting away and leaving behind such splendid rock work as can be seen 24/7/365 at Yosemite National Park. I would therefore submit that glacier melt is not inherently bad. Whether or not it's bad right this moment is for wiser souls to determine.

a rant in miniature

Not voting or voting for a third party does not mean that you sold out, don't care, are a blinking ideologue, or otherwise don't deserve to be recognized as a part of the political power structure. For a lot of America not voting means expressing a no confidence vote in the candidates and the political structure. This isn't apathy. It's reality. Until the right-wing Christians realize that the Republican Party is bleeding them for their shiny happy family values and their shiny American dollars without wanting any actually part of the Sovereign Christ who established our moral foundation we're going to be in trouble. Until the bright-eyed left wing Christians realize that Democrats just want to pluck their tender heart strings and weave a soothing song of compassion into wide scale theft we're going to be in trouble. Instead of waving slogans and banners around a Washington alive to the lust of power and dead the ways of God I vote we give them a finger waggling, thumbs in the ears, "neener-neener" salute and go back to trying to be good Christians. I'd say this nation has had too much political wrangling and not enough disciplining. Votes haven't changed very much of anything for the better in my short lifetime. I think we'd all be better off doing more praying. I'm better at blogging than praying, but I'm going to give it a shot. Good night this nation is insane! The loonies are running the nuthouse, and I think somewhere along the way we gave them the keys.

both feet and a dehydrator

I think Allen's right about me tending to jump into things with both feet. Now that I've been trying to plan backpacking meals (I didn't realize that we've got at least 15 trail days planned for this summer -love it!) I'm realizing just how much I tend to dive into things. I mean, who wants to eat freeze dried Mountain House breakfasts when you could eating hot buckwheat cereal full of dried fruit, nuts, and spices? Ok, I can dehydrate cooked grains in my oven super easy. What about dinner though? Freeze dried is expensive, foil pouch chicken is boring (and tinned meat is just suspicious to me), and all the cheap dehydrated veggie mixes contain things we don't like -namely green peas. I can't have Allen getting sick 15-20 miles from a trail head. Turns out I have a friend who can loan me her dehydrator, so now I'm looking at prepping a whole season's worth of dried veggies and sauces =D which I suppose will also double as our emergency food supply should Loma Prieta strike again. Of course in a situation where things fall down I'm not sure where to actually store this supply...It's not like I can put it a shed in the middle of the yard in case the house is structurally unstable. Maybe we just keep praying that we don't have another Loma Prieta down here. Anyway, I'm excited because this will mean I can have backpacking meals for virtually the same cost as eating at home and with about the same nutritional value. However that does mean prepping something over 22 quarts of veggies for dehydrating. This doesn't count ground meats or rice/pasta. Oh boy. Is it too late to just buy them? :D The good news is that once on the trail meals should mostly be confined to pouring the contents of a bag into a pot and boiling up with some water and a little oil to replace the fats you have to take out to dehydrate your meat.

Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice and Curry

I've had this huge (we're talking gigantic) butternut squash sitting around my kitchen for the past month or so. I bought it at the end of a soup for lunch kick and just never got around to cooking it. But since my theme for this week was using up the various vegetables I had lying around I decide to crack it open and try making some soup. I spent an hour peeling, slicing, and removing seeds. (Next time we're roasting it.) My knife needs sharpening, and my wrist got pretty sore by the time I'd finished.

Well I tossed that mountain of squash in my dutch oven along with a container of browned ground turkey from the freezer and a couple cups of chicken stock (also from the freezer). I added some water and went to check my e-mail. Once the squash was soft I mashed it up quickly with my little potato masher and tossed in a couple cups of chopped celery, three carrots halved and sliced, a diced onion, one cup brown rice, and half a cup wild rice. For seasoning I added salt, pepper, a tsp of coriander, 1/2 tsp cardamon, 1T curry powder, garlic powder, and a pinch of red pepper flakes. It turned out quite well -rather savory with balance of sweet and spicy flavors and easy to adjust once dished out by sprinkling on more red pepper or curry powder. It's very colorful as well. You should give me a try and let me know how it comes out. I love soup variations.

and she said Allen wouldn't camp

So many times I don't understand the world in which I live. For instance, I remember my mom getting very upset that I was contemplating marriage to a man who didn't camp. She was upset that I could see giving up something that I'd enjoyed for so long. Then she turned on me and accused me of never really enjoying it, of lying and pretending to enjoy something that had been part of our family culture and figured so largely in some of my most precious family memories. In the end I think she was accusing me of not being a member of the family. Now that I'm in the middle of planning trips and looking up backpacking meal ideas I recall how upset she was that night in the car where we sat talking while waiting for the younger kids to come out of church. She never came back and said she was mistaken about Allen. She condemned him for not being a certain kind of man, but when he surpassed everyone's expectations by sleeping on the ground and strapping on snowshoes she never apologized. She never said that perhaps she was mistaken about this aspect of his character or interests or his capacity to willingly do a thing because he loves me. That didn't change her. I wonder. What was that argument really about. When I was trying to defend my interest in man who'd said he'd like to go see Colorado National Monument with me, what was that really about? I don't think it was about camping. I don't know if was even really about me. It was probably about her, but I really don't even think that matters much. Listening to that argument one would think she feared breaking the family culture -that I would go off and be a person whom I had not been before and live a life different from hers. When Allen and I married we taught each other new interests. We carry on the cultures of both families and don't belong wholly to either. I wish that could be enough. Why it isn't I don't know.

remembering Yosemite

Amid all the hustling with maps and guidebooks, trying to figure out vacation time in the most efficient way possible, I feel like I've lost something. Thinking back to the first time Allen and I visited Yosemite I recall how Allen and I didn't have everything figured out. We took a few wrong turns (bad signage in part) and got the campground so late that wouldn't even let us come in and set up. We ended up sleeping in the car with our necks cricked awkwardly and fleece blankets tucked in the windows in an attempt to block the blaring light of the parking lot. As one might guess we arose early with the energy of sore limbs prodding us to be anywhere but there. Pulling out of our would be campground we rolled east through early morning mists that banded about the stands of pine trees on either side, eager to forget our aching necks in the wonder of this fabled valley. As we drove through the mountains we joined up with the Merced river flowing out from Yosemite's moist valleys. The road swept us up into a cleft in the mountain range as we followed the river ever inward. Finally, the mountains opened, and the whole force of the Yosemite Valley broke upon us. With the sun still drifting gently upwards from the rim of the valley, I recall how everything seemed shrouded in golden wraps -El Capitan and Half Dome thrusting their heads through misty draperies that pooled on the valley floor. Against the other wall the silken scarf of Bridalveil Falls waved and danced in greeting. It seemed a lost corner of Eden sent to refresh the souls of men. That is how I first saw Yosemite.

Remembering my first awestruck enjoyment of the peaks and valleys now become so much more family I wonder if perhaps I lose something with my everlasting counting of miles and researching of trailheads. I will never see all there is to see, and there are little to no bad directions. Should I perhaps, in trips planning as well as life, learn to let things go a little? I will never see all there is to behold, and the work I can find for my hands will never be done. Sometimes I think the hardest part of being human is learning to be incomplete and unfinished. Even the majestic Yosemite is thing always changing and never complete. And God has had many more lifetimes to mold that granite than to shape my stubborn heart.