January 25, 2007
So ends my great experiment in education
Since this past Monday I have officially not been a college student. Yes, I have given up the ghost in favor of more profitable pursuits -like not working myself sick when I have a baby inside me who needs me to be as healthy as I can be. Frankly, when I'm in college it consumes me. I can't focus on anything else. Left to myself come sickness or apathy I would stay in there because it's been so ingrained into me that I'm a student. Being a student is pretty much all I can do with any competency. Now I'm learning that I can do other things even better than I can study. I can be a wife and a mom. According to this little crumbsnatcher jostling around inside me I am a mom already. Being healthy for her and doing my best to creative a welcoming environment -physically, spiritually, and emotionally- is way more important than what Harry Berger has to say about green worlds and second worlds in the Renaissance revival of the Golden Age. Admittedly that stuff is interesting. God only knows why. Most people wouldn't give it a second thought. Just because I've left school doesn't mean that I'm about to stop learning. Instead this gives me the opportunity to learn how to do something I haven't done very well until now. Live. To quote Pratchett, "The world is my mollusk." I can teach myself to tat, read all those Schafer books I want to read, cook without worrying about what all I'm not doing, blog away to my heart's content, and scour ebay for bargains. In a way that's still hard for me to understand, I'm free. Leaving school meant leaving behind a lot of expectations about who I was supposed to be and what I thought myself to be. Now I have only God and Allen to please, and Allen's ridiculously easy to please. Best of all, I can learn how to be pleased with myself. This all might not seem directly related to school, but I had a lot of emotional investments in school that weren't all healthy. Leaving school is allowing me to distance myself from those investments and rethink how I see myself. All in all, it was a hard decision. I didn't print out that form easily. However, I believe that it was the best thing I could do.
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2 comments:
Natalie, I linked over here from your facebook page, and I just wanted to say that I think you made a really brave, wise decision. I know what you mean about school consuming you; I'm that same way, and it's why I'm not pursuing my PhD (at least not anytime soon). I am going to be a wife come June, and I want to focus on what that means and be there for my husband instead of obsessing over school. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I admire you and your decision. God bless you.
Thanks Erin. It wasn't easy. I'm glad to know that someone understands. I don't think a lot of people do. If you're getting married in town and have room for two more I'd love to come drink (or dance or throw rice) to your future happiness. Or perhaps just let you know what you're getting into -by mid-June I'll be ready to pop. Literally. Come to think of it. Don't try to squeeze two more in. You don't need some woman in the back going into labor while you two are exchanging vows. :D
Marriage is great. I'm glad you're getting married, and I'm glad you're willing to make that a priority. So many women today aren't.
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