Ergh! I hate, hate, hate jealousy. It's stupid and destructive and abso-freaking-lutely drives me up the wall. I stil get jealous. The craziest part is that I get jealous of people when I would never in a million years actually want to switch places with them. I'm jealous of who people who are close to their sisters, who's fathers are giving them away instead of watching from a back row, who have backyards. I want their funny houses and vacations and rosemary bushes and best friends, but I don't want to give up any of my neat stuff. I want my Allen and my green sofa and my cast iron pots. I want my books and my interests. I still want your stuff too. Is that pathetic or what? If I'm jealous of other people's lives maybe I should just get up off my sorry rear and make something of my own? Maybe I should think about that one a little harder? Gosh. It's pathetic. I'm most jealous of community though. For years growing up I heard comments: "you're so sweet," "you're so smart," "you inspire me," "I enjoy watching you." All of which were accompanied by various hugs and head nodding gestures meant to convey warmth and sincerity. I can literally count on one hand the number of times that actually turned in a friendship of any kind. Actually take away half my fingers on one hand, and I still think I could do it. Yeah, major pity party. Whatever. I'm tired of being treated as wall art!!! I'm not around to passively decorate your personal world. Jeesh. Put up or shut up here.* I want to have a decently large network of friends who look after each other and care for each other. I just don't know how to make it work.
Ok, I confess. I'm self-centered. Also, I grew up talking more to adults than to peers. With adults you just talked about yourself, and they were happy. With peers (who now happen to be adults) it's a little different. They don't just want to hear about me. I know this. And how many times do I completely miss the cue to ask about their life? Tons. It's embarrasing. I know I do it so much, and I don't know how to stop. I'm just not one of those people who can get inside your life story in ten minutes. I don't know how to do. I want to care about people and laugh and suffer with them, but I'm such a self-centered, messed up bundle of insecurities that I tend to bungle it a lot. Try not to hold it against me. If possible be my friend.
Ok, angsted out. I really do have a wonderful life in many ways. I have some good friends whom I look forward to getting to know better. I just needed to get some of that out. If anyone is reading this who I know personally...I promise not be whiny and pathetic just because you were invited to Freddy Foobar's birthday party and I wasn't. I may however blog about it :D
*This does not apply to anyone to whom I haven't made previous overtures. If I owe you an e-mail, send me a mirror, and I'll lecture myself for a while. If you knew me in highschool or even possibly college this probably completely applies. Not that I'm carrying specific grudges. It just got old quickly.