March 31, 2008

Birthday cheers, birthday angst

Today is Allen's birthday! Since we normally have health community group on Monday anyway we're going to turn it in to a regular shindig with all sorts of good eats. Healthy eats of course but still very yummy. I'm going to pop a pecan pie in the oven as soon as I finish this post.

I want to be all upbeat and everything for Allen's birthday, but unfortunately when I think about Allen getting another year older I start thinking "Ok God, how many more birthdays before I can watch Allen playing with his own kids." Face, the guy is a kid magnet. He's probably dangled half the little boys at our church by their knees at least once. He's really, really good with kids, and he likes them. So why does God slap him with a woman who doesn't seem altogether good at getting/keeping a pregnancy going? Yes, I do know I can't blame myself over any of this. God knows I don't want to be pathetic and mope around just because I can't have this one thing I want (or this one thing I know Allen wants). Also, no Allen isn't a whiner either, and he's certainly not pressuring me. It's just...I don't have an advanced degree, or a career, or a child. Long ago I traded my desires for academic superstardom for more domestic dreams. So now, Allen's turning 27, his brother is graduating, everyone's lives are moving one, and I'm stuck here between a past desire and an unfullfilled want wondering just where the heck I fit into this crazy picture. Right now I better fit into by getting things cleaned up real quick for tonight. Jeesh, why of why can't I do this stuff earlier? Oh yeah, existential google searching. Also I got an antique rocker from freecycle. Pretty sweet, but I really didn't need to go out this afternoon when I had floors to vacuum.

Anyway, happy birthday Allen. I love you to bits, and I'm super proud of the way you've been growing and becoming an even more amazing man than the one I loved enough say yes. I'm just struggling to accept that the one thing I would most like to give you for a birthday gift isn't mine to give.


Elisa M said...

I am sorry. I know Allen, and I know you, and I am sad with you. I hope that someday you guys have kids as brave and cool as you both are!
Happy Birthday day Allen. Hope it rocks. and rolls. and whatnot.

Lauren Christine said...

Happy birthday, Allen! I *understand*, darling. But we must remember, the Lord's timing is not our timing! And keep hope alive! :)